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Sonic
Sonic Dork
7/2/11 7:54 p.m.

That's a rough one. I can't say I have ever experienced it, but had to deal with ending a 9.5 year relationship.

My thoughts are to set out all of your expectations in writing. Then both of you know what is expected of you, as you live together as roommates. It will not be easy, and who the hell knows what will come of it, but setting clear rules/boundaries/expectations and keeping communications about same open, will make the best of a lousy situation.

Sorry dude. Just so you know, it's because you tried to DD a Bi-Turbo.

pigeon
pigeon Dork
7/2/11 8:16 p.m.

Sorry, nothing to add but my condolences.

Osterkraut
Osterkraut SuperDork
7/2/11 8:25 p.m.

Sounds like she met someone. I'd bailout, fast, before things got ugly.

Duke
Duke SuperDork
7/2/11 8:26 p.m.

I can't imagine it will be all too easy, and my condolences to you. But it sounds like you can make it work. I agree that comprehensive ground rules are very important. It would also help if you had separate rooms to sleep in.

I think it is doable but it will take maturity on both of your parts. Good luck, and again, sorry, man.

m4ff3w
m4ff3w SuperDork
7/2/11 8:31 p.m.
Sonic wrote: Sorry dude. Just so you know, it's because you tried to DD a Bi-Turbo.

That needs to go into the mag, I laughed rather loudly at that. Which is surprising given the situation.

m4ff3w
m4ff3w SuperDork
7/2/11 8:33 p.m.

And the idea of written ground rules is excellent, thanks. The end date is July 31, 2012. I seriously don't think she is interested in dating anyone. I could be wrong, but I don't think that is the case.

DavidinDurango
DavidinDurango Reader
7/2/11 8:46 p.m.

Sonic and Duke have good advice. (I'm a x2 loser myself)

IT won't be easy if its a perfect breakup (whatever that is)

I wonder which drawer some of the tools on this list fell out of . . . makes me ashamed of my gender.

Do the best you can for the kids. Don't forget to take care of yourself as best you can, ok?

all the best,

Dr. Hess
Dr. Hess SuperDork
7/2/11 9:00 p.m.
Osterkraut wrote: Sounds like she met someone. I'd bailout, fast, before things got ugly.

QFT

Lesley
Lesley SuperDork
7/2/11 9:02 p.m.

If you can work it out between you amicably, it's nobody's business but yours how weird it looks. My ex and I split after 13 years, no bad feelings, we just grew apart. Continued to share a house until he met someone else. We consider each other family – he's a single dad these days and I will occasionally watch his boy if he's stuck for a sitter. Don't give a damn how weird it looks to anyone else, in fact, I consider accepting it a litmus test for anyone new that I may meet. That, and being kind to animals and wait staff.

MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/2/11 9:20 p.m.

You can always get out of a lease. Get out.

MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/2/11 9:30 p.m.

Get separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, get a membership to equifax to make sure nothing new is opened, establish whose name every bill is on, etc... Lots of damage can be done right before a divorce is filed. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but she has asked you to be a reasonable adult about this and the least she can do is start preparing for a clean divorce with no surprises.

m4ff3w
m4ff3w SuperDork
7/2/11 9:35 p.m.

We'll do the different bank accounts once she is out of school and employed. Honestly, our (my) credit is E36 M3ty enough she couldn't do anything with it.

Sucks, but I'm working on getting it cleaned up.

Strizzo
Strizzo SuperDork
7/2/11 9:50 p.m.

You can get out of the lease as long as you haven't already signed for another year. Being past the deadline to give notice just means you will go to month to month rental after the original lease ends on the 29th or whatever. You still need to give your 30 or 60 days per the lease.

Sorry to hear, nothing about it will be fun.

MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/2/11 9:56 p.m.

In reply to m4ff3w:

E36 M3ty credit just means she can get stuff you are liable for with worse interest rates. She wants a divorce when it is convenient for her. Take a long hard look at what is convenient for you and best for you as a father. I would seriously consider finding someone with professional experience in divorce to talk to about protecting yourself and looking out for your interests. Could you go without seeing the kids for months? Not preparing makes that a distinct possibility.

DILYSI Dave
DILYSI Dave SuperDork
7/2/11 9:58 p.m.

PIITB.

xd
xd Reader
7/2/11 9:59 p.m.

Just move out. Are they your kids? If not just bail. If they are your kids pay support or whatever but screw it with this acting married but your single E36 M3. Either she wants to be married and get the benefits or she wants to be single not single with access to your bank account, your house, exc, exc. If you stay around you kind of look like a lap dog. Man up and move out or keep your kids there and kick her out.

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/2/11 10:06 p.m.

xd really? to the op tho altho not the same.... my partner and i were broken up and both dating other people all while still living together why? becasue well i wasnt leaving the house nor was i at the time going to pay for her to have another place. at the time i earned about 3 times her salary. we are back together now. we fell back in love due to the fact that we lived together and without the expectations of a relationship we realized why we loved eachother in the first place. it can work and may save the marriage.

fasted58
fasted58 HalfDork
7/2/11 10:07 p.m.

rule # 1: CYA

rules # 2 - 10, see rule # 1

xd
xd Reader
7/2/11 10:17 p.m.
KATYB wrote: it can work and may save the marriage.

Yea um why would you pay for you x to live anywhere. So OP is going to live with someone and share a checking account yada yada and have a roller coaster of a year trying to get her to "love" him again. Screw that. What she is doing and what your girlfriend was doing is taking advantage of a sucker. Plane and simple.
.

jrw1621
jrw1621 SuperDork
7/2/11 10:21 p.m.
jrw1621 wrote:
m4ff3w wrote: Has anyone here cohabitated after a divorce? ...The kids wouldn't know of the divorce until it is much closer to the end of cohabitation.
This first sentence seems to be critical to the topic. That is, complete the divorce right away, This will get you financially divided. Once financially divided, you could maybe be great roommates (with no emphasis on the mating part.) Or, try the loveless marriage approach. It was very popular in the era of the 40's and 50's as well is still popular with the staunchly religious set. Overall, I am very sorry to hear. Though the joke is, "It is cheaper to keep her" the fact may be that it would be wise to spend some funds on trying to put the spark back in the relationship. Counciling may be good. It worked for me. That spending may be cheaper than the cost of dividing.
MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/2/11 10:21 p.m.

In reply to jrw1621:

The "1950's loveless marriage" requires a dominant male/submissive female scenario. I am not seeing that in this situation. Honestly the divorce laws are based on a 1950's stereotype, which is why a man can get so easily screwed in a modern divorce.

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/2/11 10:24 p.m.

sucker no. i am very happily still together... we did have some different circumstances than just falling out of love..... but when you dont do that it makes both parents spend the next few years bad mouthing the other. or someone getting screwed in the divorce. split everything 5050 when you finally separate and move on.... no i dont give a damn if one person earned 95% of the money. its a partnership therefor everything that comes out of it gets split.

Grizz
Grizz Reader
7/2/11 11:08 p.m.

Get it over with quickly, I've yet to see the whole cohabitation thing work out after divorces, or even simple old breakups.

MitchellC
MitchellC Dork
7/2/11 11:24 p.m.
KATYB wrote: Split everything 5050 when you finally separate and move on.... no i dont give a damn if one person earned 95% of the money. its a partnership therefor everything that comes out of it gets split.

Can the education be split as well? Instead of her getting one bachelor's degree, can both of them get an associates?

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/2/11 11:26 p.m.

mitchell no, i was speaking of monetary things. and no alimoney or childsupport shall be paid unless one person is an unfit parent or does not want partial custody,

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