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RioRacer
RioRacer Dork
7/5/11 11:12 a.m.

I did this for a about 6 months (kinda). I told her I wanted out, I was very respectful about the whole matter as well. We slept in different room, until our lease was up, once our tax returns came back we split that as we always intended to do. As long as you don't try to piss each other off, you should be fine.

Good luck, dave

nickel_dime
nickel_dime Dork
7/5/11 11:34 a.m.

I can see living together but apart working but it will take two mature adults (not many of them around) with a common goal (caring for the kids). I would recommend you go talk to a lawyer posthaste. The first step is protecting yourself and the kids. Follow the legal advice of your lawyer even if you (or her) don't like it. It's their job to protect you, listen to them.

z31maniac
z31maniac SuperDork
7/5/11 11:52 a.m.
JoeyM wrote:
MitchellC wrote: Yes, it is obvious. I experienced it as a teenager. There's no use putting off the inevitable; everything will change; the family unit will be torn apart and recreated no matter what. It's better to start the rebuilding earlier rather than later.
...and less time for negative emotions to fester and then come to the surface

As a child of divorce, I agree with this. I'm glad my parents got divorced soon enough (4th grade) that I don't really remember much other than staying at different houses for a few days (mom friends, dad's new rental, etc) while details were worked out.

But I agree with the consensus, she is USING you to finish school and bail. It's time for her to deal with that choice, if she can't take care of herself, that isn't really your problem.

It should also promote one party over another when it comes to custody.

Jerry From LA
Jerry From LA HalfDork
7/5/11 11:56 a.m.

Okay, I apologize in advance for my New England bluntness:

  1. You are being used. Please don't let your kids watch you be used, especially by their mom.

  2. In most states, if you don't sign a lease extension you are a tenant-at-will. This means all you need to give is thirty days notice.

  3. If you signed a lease extension, you can break a lease by paying rent for each month the house sits empty. Suck up the financial hardship as best you can. Offer to help the landlord clean, paint, and re-rent the house.

  4. Explain the situation to the landlord, minus the nitty-gritty details. Any landlord with half a brain realizes your situation is a powder keg waiting to blow and his or her property is the keg.

  5. Become legally separated as soon as possible.

I managed rental property in the county of Los Angeles for 11 years. I've dealt with the real estate problems caused by dissolving marriages. Do not discuss this with your wife. Tell her what you're going to do and then do it. At the very least, she will respect you.

There is a lot of good advice given in the previous pages. You'd be doing your kids and yourself a favor by following it. Just think how you'd feel if your wife brought someone home or started staying away all night. There's a lot of stuff I don't know about relationships but the one thing I do know is when a woman tells you she's fallen out of love, it's a pretty permanent situation. Take her at her word.

Good luck to you. The faster and cleaner you cut the ties, the better it will be for everyone involved, especially your kids.

HiTempguy
HiTempguy Dork
7/5/11 11:59 a.m.
I can see living together but apart working but it will take two mature adults (not many of them around)

The fact she wants a divorce pretty much sums this up nicely. What is surprising is that there has really only been one dissenting voice in this matter. Everyone else has been neutral, most have been negative. I think this is a case of people calling a spade a spade.

I hope you get it figured out, and don't get screwed in the process. My mom was batE36 M3 insane for years (34-44, basically the age of 8-18 for me), many times where I thought my parents were done. Dad never did it because she has crazy on her side of the family, he would have been a very poor person the rest of his life. Things are better now, thank god!

GregW
GregW New Reader
7/5/11 1:22 p.m.

My sympathies. Still together after 43 tumultous years. I could go with the co-hab because I need to live with someone in order to stay sane. not to mention sober.

foxtrapper
foxtrapper SuperDork
7/5/11 1:34 p.m.

I know most of the posts have been to run fast and hard, but I'm going to dissent. For it seems like immaturity to me. She's not in love with you any more and doesn't want to be married any more. Both of those statements are passive and lazy statements, not active statements.

Falling in and out of love is normal. It's part of marriage. We've all thought "what was I thinking" when we look at our spouse at various times. You work through those times. And it takes work.

The whole vows thing, for better or worse, sickness and health, etc. It isn't all racing hearts and sweaty passion. Lots of folk get lost when those passions cool and your partner is clipping toenails in bed.

True, there can come a point of enough. But I really question whether you're at that stage, or more at the stage of needing some help.

GregW
GregW New Reader
7/5/11 1:43 p.m.

Thanks for the sanity, fox.

OP - Check with a lawyer about finances and custody and, unless you want out, be patient.

Jerry From LA
Jerry From LA HalfDork
7/5/11 1:48 p.m.

True enough, foxie, but sitting around and staring at each other won't get anyone anywhere. Initiating action will either speed up the dissolution or speed up the reconciliation.

We don't know if anyone proposed counseling. I will assume anyone writing about their dissolving marriage in this space has pretty much proposed / tried everything else.

Either way, the thing to do is get some distance on it so the OP can look at his situation more objectively.

Karl La Follette
Karl La Follette Dork
7/5/11 3:25 p.m.

Save money get a good looking hooker and let her catch you in bed , you might want to have your race/football helmet nearby . Hide all kitchen knives and don't have anything boiling on the stove .

triumph5
triumph5 Dork
7/5/11 3:29 p.m.

"We don't know if anyone proposed counseling. I will assume anyone writing about their dissolving marriage in this space has pretty much proposed / tried everything else."

With all due respect, Jay, the OP could be admitting to himself here, for the first time out loud, what his wife told him. No therapist to pay, just sit down at the computer. That plus the time line in the OP. IMO and experience, counseling almost never works.

Foxtrapper is spot on with perspective.

scardeal
scardeal HalfDork
7/5/11 3:41 p.m.

Frankly, divorce is crappy for the kids, it's crappy financially, it's crappy in general. Unless you're in a situation with physical or emotional abuse, a legal divorce is not going to make things wonderfully better.

Love is a decision, not a feeling. IF you work at loving the other, the feelings follow. It sounds like you're just giving up on a marriage that has no need to end.

What you both need is marital counseling and a shot of "we need to work on our marriage" on both your parts, NOT divorce. Frankly, from what you said, your marriage does not sound like it's completely doomed if you don't want it to be.

My wife works with a marriage counselor on a daily basis. I might be able to send you a copy of one of his books if you send me your address.

fasted58
fasted58 HalfDork
7/5/11 3:42 p.m.

back in the nineties one local 'nice guy' mechanic was going to do the divorce/ cohab route w/ his divorce filing wife so she could finish nursing school..... until she wanted to move in her new BF... with THEM

I filed that in my WTF files

triumph5
triumph5 Dork
7/5/11 3:51 p.m.
scardeal wrote: Frankly, divorce is crappy for the kids, it's crappy financially, it's crappy in general. Unless you're in a situation with physical or emotional abuse, a legal divorce is not going to make things wonderfully better. Love is a decision, not a feeling. IF you work at loving the other, the feelings follow. It sounds like you're just giving up on a marriage that has no need to end. What you both need is marital counseling and a shot of "we need to work on our marriage" on both your parts, NOT divorce.

No. Kids coming home to a high-tension house day after day, constant arguments, yelling, ....as someone who went through that crap, THE best day was when the divorce went through. You want to bring up a hostile, problem-filled kid, that type of household is perfect. And if it crosses the line to physical abuse, you're teaching a future abuser. NO. There are many, many times when divorce IS better for the kids.

scardeal
scardeal HalfDork
7/5/11 4:07 p.m.

Triumph5,

  1. There are some people who shouldn't be married. Abuse (physical, emotional, of spouse or children) should never be tolerated. Given and agree. However, those cases are by far the minority. It sounds like that was your parents' case. The OP does not sound like this is the case.
  2. There are plenty of people whose marriages fall apart because they do not maintain their relationship. This is the majority of marriages that end in divorce. They have the marriage equivalent of a broken furnace or even leaky faucets. They claim the marriage house is fundamentally broken when it just needs some maintenance that will need to happen on any house.
  3. There are also plenty of people who never really thought about what the hell marriage really is and what it demands of a person. They never really chose to get married, but "slid" into it by dating and when they didn't break up after a couple years, they decided to "make it official" or got married under some form of pressure. Then they wake up one day and decide "I'm not in love anymore, I guess we should get a divorce." These people can fall into either category above.
DuctTape&Bondo
DuctTape&Bondo Reader
7/5/11 4:21 p.m.

Careful cutting and running with the finances. Some states have something called abandonment/desertion. It may or may not sway things unfavorably in court. The idea is to not let them paint you as the bad guy, but sometimes the scales are tipped against you.

I agree with the majority who say CYA and don't get used.

Not divorced, never married, but as a single father with not a blemish or mark against me who got put through the wringer by a man hating mediator only to return one year later and win full legal and full physical I can tell you, you can't expect anyone to act like an adult, fairly or even do their job as specified.

xd
xd Reader
7/5/11 4:32 p.m.
scardeal wrote: Triumph5, 1. There are some people who shouldn't be married. Abuse (physical, emotional, of spouse or children) should never be tolerated. Given and agree. However, those cases are by far the minority. It sounds like that was your parents' case. The OP does not sound like this is the case. 2. There are plenty of people whose marriages fall apart because they do not maintain their relationship. This is the majority of marriages that end in divorce. They have the marriage equivalent of a broken furnace or even leaky faucets. They claim the marriage house is fundamentally broken when it just needs some maintenance that will need to happen on any house. 3. There are also plenty of people who never really thought about what the hell marriage really is and what it demands of a person. They never really chose to get married, but "slid" into it by dating and when they didn't break up after a couple years, they decided to "make it official" or got married under some form of pressure. Then they wake up one day and decide "I'm not in love anymore, I guess we should get a divorce." These people can fall into either category above.

What kind of quack BullE36 M3 is that. What category does his wife is getting the pipe laid to her by some other guy and wants him to finish paying for her school So that she can have a better life with her new stud muffin when he finally graduates and stops living on student loans. Trust us! Its tainted bail now or risk getting boned harder in the future. Screw that whole honey I love you lets work it out coffee house bullE36 M3.

scardeal
scardeal HalfDork
7/5/11 5:12 p.m.

In reply to xd:

The OP mentioned that he didn't think that there was another guy in the picture. I have no reason to disbelieve him. I'd rather see a marriage blossom from the depths of trials than a divorce from lack of trying.

RX Reven'
RX Reven' Reader
7/5/11 5:39 p.m.

She’s just not in love anymore”

I bet if she flunked her finals and you won the lottery, she’d experience a miraculous recovery.

Your top priority should be to get court admissible documentation in place showing that she instigated this…put the burden where it belongs, on her.

Once this is accomplished, discretely go and get laid…not for spite but to reprogram yourself to no longer see her as the owner of your fulfillment.

I don’t see anything wrong with helping her finish school…the more money she makes, the less you’ll be on the hook for later and the courts will recognize your cooperation.

Take care

geomiata
geomiata Reader
7/5/11 5:43 p.m.

scardeal makes alot of sense to me.

dankspeed
dankspeed Reader
7/8/11 10:37 a.m.

Can't help but wonder how the OP is doing. I do have to say that it's terribly hard to give advice not knowing how long they've been married, how old the children are, and if they've talked to a marriage counselor. Best of luck to you either way. Like others have said take care of yourself and your children.

I'll also add that my parents separated when I was twelve (dad moved out) and it was better for me that way. I no longer had to listen to them fight and argue. It's not worth staying together for the kids if the love is gone. I wouldn't want my kid to stay in a loveless marriage just because. Everyone deserves happiness and love. That being said I'd never end a marriage without giving it 110% to try and make it work and to absolutely see a counselor. It might take seeing a couple to find the right one but when you do can work wonders.

YaNi
YaNi Reader
7/8/11 12:53 p.m.
Curmudgeon wrote: triumph5 speaks truth. Kids KNOW. My daughter once asked me why we stayed together since we were not happy. I didn't think it was that obvious.

Precisely.

As a kid that grew up with parents that loathe each other, you are doing the kid no service by "staying together for the kids." They go through more emotional ups and downs wondering whether you are going to stay together or leave than if the marriage just ended and everyone could come to peace with the fact. If she wants to pull the plug, yank it like you're starting a mower. A counselor WILL NOT WORK if she doesn't even want to fight for the marriage; she's already checked out. I would not be surprised if she was cheating, not necessarily sexually but quite possibly an emotional affair. No need to reiterate protect yourself and your kid.

dankspeed
dankspeed Reader
7/8/11 1:15 p.m.

A counselor CAN work but only if both parties are open to it. My sister and her husband were having problems and she wanted them to see a counselor together but he refused. That only pushed her further away from him. A year down the road when she dropped the D word and said she wanted out he finally said he would go to a counselor with her. Sadly it was too late and she had moved passed a point of return. I don't see why some people are absolutely against going to talk to someone with their spouse, what have you got to lose?

Ian F
Ian F SuperDork
7/8/11 1:30 p.m.

Because many see talking and/or asking for help as weakness.

My situation with my g/f of 9+ years is too berkeleyed up for me to be offering relationship advice.

dj06482
dj06482 HalfDork
7/8/11 1:32 p.m.

I'd echo the advise given earlier:

1) separate finances immediately 2) divorce immediately 3) move out immediately

You don't know the reasons she's asking for a divorce, in a lot of cases it's because they've already found someone else. I wouldn't want to be living in the same place when she confirms that.

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