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SVreX
SVreX SuperDork
7/10/11 12:44 p.m.

People are always in the position they can hurt you.

Forgiving someone for what they have done includes the knowledge that they have the capacity to hurt you again. It doesn't give license to do so, but it does understand the potential.

MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/10/11 12:50 p.m.
SVreX wrote: People are always in the position they can hurt you. Forgiving someone for what they have done includes the knowledge that they have the capacity to hurt you again. It doesn't give license to do so, but it does understand the potential.

My comments were in relation to being Married and living together. I could not live with or stayed married to someone who keeps breaking the commitment. M4ff3w will have to decide if she is willing to be an equal partner and take actions to change. I don't see it from what we have heard.

Curmudgeon
Curmudgeon SuperDork
7/10/11 1:21 p.m.

'Let he who is without sin', etc... I am NOT without sin. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Believe me, I did some crappy things when I was younger, there are a couple of girlfriends who I really should apologize to. Notice it was girlfriends, not wives. Yeah I know it's a crappy rationalization, just remember it came from the head of a 20 something.

Not wanting to change my wandering ways was one of the reasons I waited a long time to get married. Once I took that plunge, I took the whole 'no adultery' thing quite seriously. Still do, as a matter of fact. I can tell you this: when my marriage imploded adultery (at least on my part) was NOT one of the reasons.

If I were married to someone who decided they couldn't keep that particular commitment but said it was 'just this once', well that tells me maybe they aren't as adult as they claim to be. I may forgive, but forget is another story entirely. Hence, on that one it is one bite and one bite only.

The whole thing about supporting her till she gets out of school is IMHO just the OP being used. Speaking of being used, I talked to an old GF a while back; it seems her ex had an affair with a 24 y/o and got her pregnant (his wife couldn't have kids) and actually had the balls to ASK HIS WIFE TO STAY WITH HIM AND RAISE THE KID AS THEIR OWN! She is a wise woman; she dropped him like a hot potato. I still shake my head over that one.

I too wish the OP well, and I would like to remind him the decisions he makes now will revebrate all through the rest of his life and that of the kids.

xd
xd Reader
7/10/11 2:09 p.m.
KATYB wrote: xd your a moron.... seriously..... if he is trying to save a promise he made before god to love forever in good and bad and sickness and in health and your giving him issues. all meanwhile probably cheating on your own girl... (assuming you have one altho id be surprised if you did)

Please make assumptions about my life! Please please bring god into this. . Would you like me to make some assumptions about your life? We can go there if you like. I have my bible right here if you would like to expand on what god has to say. For reference never cheated and Been with same woman for about 10 years.

P.S Deuteronomy 22:5

Osterkraut
Osterkraut SuperDork
7/10/11 3:19 p.m.

I prefer a later section of Deuteronomy: 22:13-21

Karl La Follette
Karl La Follette Dork
7/10/11 3:25 p.m.

It still might be best to see how it feels to screw another women even if things are all better . Hey maybe see what it looks like from the other side of the fence .Hey she probably will forgive you . Not

Salanis
Salanis SuperDork
7/10/11 3:38 p.m.

Maybe instead of floundering this thread and making a tough situation even tougher we should accept that fact that the OP has already made his decision. I'm certain that there are a LOT more details and specifics of the situation that have not and should not be shared.

Only time will tell whether or not he has made the right decision. Everyone telling him what an idiot he is needs to shut the hell up.

Maybe leave it at something like: You're a strong man doing a tough thing. Best of luck making it work. Keep your eyes open and be sure you're protecting yourself and your kids.

Lesley
Lesley SuperDork
7/10/11 3:51 p.m.

Well said.

joey48442
joey48442 SuperDork
7/10/11 6:15 p.m.
SVreX wrote: Keep up the good work, m4ff3w. Sure are a lot of hypocrites here. "She broke her word, therefore doesn't deserve forgiveness". Ummm, last time I checked, we have likely ALL broken our word, and NONE of us deserves forgiveness. That's what forgiveness IS- unearned and undeserved. Oxford Dictionary: "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt". And frankly, a man who is more concerned about what she may have put in her mouth than in how he can begin to forgive her has probably put some things in his own that he would never admit to. It's obvious by what is coming out. What we DESERVE and have EARNED is judgement. Forgiveness is much harder, and much better. Good job, m4ff3w.

I don't know if I understand what your getting at? Who is being a hypocrit?
Forgive? Sure, I need to forgive for my own well being. But get out of my house. If all I knew of this situation was this thread, sure. He should work it out. But I remember the previous thread. After what happened in that situation, this is the point where I think he should let her go. But it's his decision.

Joey

SVreX
SVreX SuperDork
7/10/11 7:18 p.m.

70 times 7.

It's a tall order.

My point is not a measuring stick or a litmus test as to how much is enough forgiveness. My point is that the OP appears to be doing what is right in excess, and a lot of people in this thread are bashing him for it.

Previous thread or not, frankly it's his decision, not yours. I support him in it.

I'm sure glad I have been given more than one chance (or even two, or three) to get it right. Unfortunately, I need a whole lot of grace and forgiveness in most of my life. From my wife, my family, my church, my God... heck, I need a huge amount of forgiveness from everybody.

So, as I said before, keep up the good work, m4ff3w. I know it may be a difficult path, but I respect your decision.

friedgreencorrado
friedgreencorrado SuperDork
7/10/11 10:52 p.m.
racinginc215 wrote:
friedgreencorrado wrote:
m4ff3w wrote: Thanks for the kind words.
No prob, dude..you've got a hoe", regardless of the final outcome. I'm wishing you well.
fixed that.

I respectfully disagree. I certainly see why you'd think that way if you'd been burned by such a thing..but personally, I don't see human relationships as that simple. Just my .02, dude..no comment on your own experience is implied.

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/10/11 11:30 p.m.
xd wrote:
KATYB wrote: xd your a moron.... seriously..... if he is trying to save a promise he made before god to love forever in good and bad and sickness and in health and your giving him issues. all meanwhile probably cheating on your own girl... (assuming you have one altho id be surprised if you did)
Please make assumptions about my life! Please please bring god into this. . Would you like me to make some assumptions about your life? We can go there if you like. I have my bible right here if you would like to expand on what god has to say. For reference never cheated and Been with same woman for about 10 years. P.S Deuteronomy 22:5

xd you are more than welcome to make assumptions about my life but i had nothing to hide watsoever. i am proud of who i am and the long road i have had to travel to get here.

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/10/11 11:35 p.m.
Osterkraut wrote: I prefer a later section of Deuteronomy: 22:13-21

xd was qouting 22:5 as a shot towards me. not related to the topic at hand.

Salanis
Salanis SuperDork
7/11/11 12:11 a.m.

I think we need to spend more time quoting Leviticus. No one ever wants to quote Leviticus!

scardeal
scardeal HalfDork
7/11/11 9:11 a.m.

Or Job 10:10.

My wife and I are praying for the situation...

HiTempguy
HiTempguy Dork
7/11/11 11:15 a.m.

So, a thread was made asking for advice, then an OVERWHELMING amount of people in similiar situations were brought forth and what they did, and then the exact opposite of what was suggested was done.

No offense, but my post on the previous page was in regards to a relationship that didn't have infidelity. The fact that people consider having sex with someone else while not dating, but MARRIED is insane. It wasn't a mistake or an "accident", it was a conscious decision on the cheater's part to berkeley somebody else. People by nature only change if they want to, and you are married to someone who has cheated on you, and then told you your relationship has sucked for a decade. Whether you FEEL you are or are not being a doormat is irrelevant; at this point in time, you are being one, and are being walked all over.

I'm filing this under the "don't ask for advice if you really just want people to listen to your bullE36 M3 and then keep bringing it on yourself" file (and yes, that is a folder in the cabinet). I sincerely hope you the best, but I feel you are making a grave mistake. On the other hand, I guess things can't get much worse than they already are so might as well give it a go!

Giant Purple Snorklewacker
Giant Purple Snorklewacker SuperDork
7/11/11 11:53 a.m.

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. --P. J. O'Rourke

pinchvalve
pinchvalve SuperDork
7/11/11 12:09 p.m.

You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

-Credit Unkown

HiTempguy
HiTempguy Dork
7/11/11 3:06 p.m.

Had to point out the cosmic alignment of two power dorks posting one after another. Is your opinion squared to the power of dork then?

Curmudgeon
Curmudgeon SuperDork
7/11/11 6:45 p.m.
pinchvalve wrote: You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it. -Credit Unkown

Yes it is. I mean every damn dime too.

BAMF
BAMF Reader
7/11/11 9:07 p.m.

m4ff3w,

I wish you the best in your situation. I was in one like it several years ago (thankfully no children were in that picture). It's tough to know what to do. Whatever you do, listen to your gut, and don't let other people make you feel like you're crazy.

z31maniac
z31maniac SuperDork
7/12/11 6:47 a.m.
HiTempguy wrote: So, a thread was made asking for advice, then an OVERWHELMING amount of people in similiar situations were brought forth and what they did, and then the exact opposite of what was suggested was done.

That's because most people aren't actually asking for advice, they are asking for someone to confirm what they are already planning on doing.

No offense to the OP.

m4ff3w
m4ff3w SuperDork
7/12/11 8:18 a.m.
z31maniac wrote:
HiTempguy wrote: So, a thread was made asking for advice, then an OVERWHELMING amount of people in similiar situations were brought forth and what they did, and then the exact opposite of what was suggested was done.
That's because most people aren't actually asking for advice, they are asking for someone to confirm what they are already planning on doing. No offense to the OP.

Actually, no. And no offense taken. I was wondering if anyone had or knew anyone that had successfully cohabitation after divorce.

There were instances of people saying yes.

Asking for advice doesn't necessarily mean the majority opinion will be taken, but those views will certainly be measured and applied against the individual's own situation.

scardeal
scardeal HalfDork
7/12/11 9:24 a.m.
m4ff3w wrote: Asking for advice doesn't necessarily mean the majority opinion will be taken, but those views will certainly be measured and applied against the individual's own situation.

I actually thought about saying the exact same thing on this thread. Are we related?

HiTempguy
HiTempguy Dork
7/12/11 10:10 a.m.
m4ff3w wrote: Asking for advice doesn't necessarily mean the majority opinion will be taken, but those views will certainly be measured and applied against the individual's own situation.

And I'm pointing out that I view it as irrational to consistently do it, especially when the advice is grounded in real world examples. But I digress, clearly you are in it to learn the hard way, one way or another. As I've said before, I truly do hope it works out for you.

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