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barefootcyborg5000 PowerDork
10/6/22 4:06 p.m.



I know this isn't an original idea, but these people say the darnedest things. Post 'em up. 

jmabarone Reader
10/6/22 4:21 p.m.

Please tell me this isn't a hybrid

barefootcyborg5000 PowerDork
10/6/22 5:14 p.m.

In reply to jmabarone :

It is, but that isn't remotely how things work... what's funny is it's another shop bringing it in for us to fix. "Customer" is a "professional" mechanic. 

jfryjfry SuperDork
10/6/22 5:29 p.m.

There's a YouTube channel called exactly that and the videos are very entertaining.

Mr_Asa UltimaDork
10/6/22 6:56 p.m.

When I was a service writer we had a customer send his son in with his son's decade-ish old Volvo S40 to get tires and an alignment.
Ok, cool.  Get it up on the lift, check everything out, one inner tie rod is pretty loose, the outer tie rod on the opposite was starting to get bad.

Call him, "sir, we can't do the alignment right now, the inner tie rod is pretty loose, the outer will need to be replaced soonish but not now."

"I'm not getting no damn tie rods, do the alignment!"

"Sir, with those tie rods if we do the alignment it won't hold an alignment and there will be no warranty on the alignment or tires"

"DO THE DAMN ALIGNMENT!" and then he hung up.


Welp.  Wrote up everything in the system, told the manager (who was off that day) and he laughed and said he'd back me.

Guy came in and started yelling at me "how dare you lie to me, how dare you tell me there's an inner and outer tie rod! There's only one tie rod on a steering system! I'm an engineer and you're lying to me!"
I didn't argue with the "engineer," and I definitely didn't tell him that I wasn't an engineer but I played one on the school's FSAE team.  I definitely definitely didn't tell him that I was wrapping up (among other classes) Kinematics and Dynamics of Machinery which is basically where you learn that crap and I was holding an A in the class.

I did, as company policy dictated, point out the prices of everything if he changed his mind

Sometimes its not worth arguing.


He did come in a couple months later and sheepishly ask us if we could still do the work as we had a better price than anyone else locally for that job.

Stampie MegaDork
10/6/22 7:17 p.m.

Most of my good "customer states" comes from my Air Force days.

Once during a hurricane launch to GTFO I got called to fix a plane about to go.  It was raining so hard that when I was dropped off at the plane I turned back and asked where it was.  I was about 40 feet off the nose.  I kept the sounds of the four props even on each side of me and walked forward to hit the nose and then walk around to the crew door.  I get up on the flight deck and plug in my headset to ask what was wrong.  "EWO's screen is out."  EWO is the Electronic Warfare Officer.  I look over and yep it's out.  I get back on comms and say "Sir I don't think anyone will be firing at you in a hurricane.  It's flyable, we'll fix it when you get back."

Oh I got a good one from my current job.

I get a job for customer's phone being out.  I park in front and the guy is standing at his fence with a German Shepard beside him.  I could tell that it wasn't a normal German Shepard, it was a trained one.  I always try to break the ice by getting the first word in as I'm putting out my cones so I say "I hear you have a problem with your phone service?"  He replies "Yeah you're here to remove the FBI tap from it!"  See we get paranoid schizophrenics amazingly often.  Our call center doesn't want to deal with them so they think it's a good idea to send a tech out to deal with them in person.  For a then young me I think quick and say "Oh I have to do that down the street!" as I reverse my walk and put my cones up and drive off.  Call my sup and tell him I'm not going back.  Job got canceled.

Shadeux Dork
10/6/22 8:05 p.m.

Long ago, wet behind the ears, a client called and threatenly asked "I'm not on a back burner, am I?" I replied of course not, and as the phone hit the cradle, I said "you're not on a burner at all." My coworker about peed themselves. 

I'm not that kind of person, but at that moment something came from the firmament. 

j_tso HalfDork
10/6/22 8:36 p.m.

In reply to Mr_Asa :

I like how no matter what field of engineering someone is in they think they know all fields.

It doesn't help that "engineer" is tacked on to any job title nowadays.

Mr_Asa UltimaDork
10/6/22 8:39 p.m.

In reply to j_tso :

I doubt he was any kind of engineer, I think he just was angry about having to pay another couple hundred bucks.  People get irrationally upset when dealing with their cars.


Which reminds me of another story.  I'll tell it later 

Beer Baron
Beer Baron MegaDork
10/6/22 8:53 p.m.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Left inside main tire almost replaced.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what friction locks are for.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (pilot lingo meaning one of the engines was not running smoothly)
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

03Panther PowerDork
10/6/22 9:20 p.m.

In reply to Beer Baron :

Those were always my favorites, from the very early days of the internet. 
love it. 

Byrneon27 Reader
10/7/22 7:37 a.m.

It's a Friday, I'm a good day away from a bonus, and you know Nissans so I'm sure I'll have a gem or two to contribute before the day is out. 

Noddaz PowerDork
10/10/22 9:35 a.m.

Customer states when braking there is a loud brake squeal throughout the day.


This makes me want to ask, even when parked?  How about in the garage?  Just askin'.

Floating Doc (Forum Supporter)
Floating Doc (Forum Supporter) UltimaDork
10/10/22 10:53 a.m.

I'm so tempted. I could contribute to this thread, but since I work for a corporate practice, I can't share. 

jmabarone Reader
10/10/22 11:31 a.m.


SV reX
SV reX MegaDork
10/10/22 11:52 a.m.

I'm building a dealership, so my customer is the dealer. 

Customer states: 

- We need 52' wide for 4  lifts.  Well, the building is 47' wide, so you are missing something. You're gonna have to stagger the lifts. 
- We can't do that. They won't look pretty if they are not in a straight line. That's your only option.

Why didn't you build it 52'?  Remember 2 1/2 years ago when you decided to cut it to 47'?  You saved $250,000 because you didn't have to add fire sprinklers to the building. 
But now the lifts won't fit. They will if you stagger them.

That won't be pretty. Hmmm...

- Let's switch to scissor lifts. Well, the wiring is done in the ceiling, and the ceramic tile floor is installed. We don't have any electric or hydraulic under the floor.

- They'd be prettier.  We will have to cut the concrete floor, and reinstall the tile.

- That won't cost anything will it?  Hmmm...

- That wont change the schedule will it?  Hmmm...


Etc, etc. This conversation goes back and forth for many, many pages

Toyman! MegaDork
10/10/22 11:53 a.m.

6 am on a Sunday morning. 

Customer states the door doesn't work when they unlock it. 

Drive 2.5 hours to the customer's store. Walk inside and check in with the manager. Walk back to the door, turn on the power switch, and walk to my truck to fill out paperwork. Total time on site, 10 minutes. Total time billed, 6 hours. 

This, after the manager told me she didn't have time to go through the switches with me because she had a store to open. Just come fix my door. 

I did not laugh in her face. It took all my willpower not to.



NY Nick
NY Nick Dork
10/10/22 11:57 a.m.

Ranger50 MegaDork
10/10/22 12:34 p.m.

I have plenty of "covid positive yesterday. I don't feel good." bullE36 M3. NSS.

neverdone Reader
10/10/22 7:09 p.m.

In reply to SV reX :

Why didn't you build it 52'?  Remember 2 1/2 years ago when you decided to cut it to 47'?  You saved $250,000 because you didn't have to add fire sprinklers to the building. 

I always love having this conversation....

birdmayne Reader
10/10/22 7:54 p.m.

This was one of the gems from my days as a service writer. And thats exactly how I wrote the RO. 

solfly Dork
10/10/22 8:24 p.m.

Cracks knuckles...

solfly Dork
10/10/22 8:25 p.m.
gearheadmb UltraDork
10/11/22 7:24 a.m.

Customer states; all the dashboard warning lights come on when you start the car, then go off after a few seconds. I explain that's called bulb check and its normal. They tell me "Well it didn't used to do that." Ok bud.

Another one. I cant remember what kind of car it was but it was a front wheel drive. They said they had a bad oil leak from the rear of the car. I said theres no oil at the rear of the car to be able to leak. I looked under the car and there was a 6" puddle under the rear. As it turns out the spare quart of oil they kept in the trunk spilled.

This one doesn't really fit the purpose of the thread but a pet peeve of mine. Guys would bring their car in for service and would want to stand around and watch while I worked on it. It was annoying but whatever. But they usually felt compelled to tell me "I would do this myself but I dont have time." Its weird that you were able to find the time to watch me do it, though. 

Beer Baron
Beer Baron MegaDork
10/11/22 7:29 a.m.
gearheadmb said:

This one doesn't really fit the purpose of the thread but a pet peeve of mine. Guys would bring their car in for service and would want to stand around and watch while I worked on it. It was annoying but whatever. But they usually felt compelled to tell me "I would do this myself but I dont have time." Its weird that you were able to find the time to watch me do it, though. 

I mean... presumably as a professional, you can do it faster than they can.

Having someone else do simple jobs for me saves me setup, tear down, clean up, and fluid disposal time. If an oil change were just an oil change, I'd do those myself.

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