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aussiesmg
aussiesmg SuperDork
1/17/11 6:39 p.m.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied...... 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

1988RedT2
1988RedT2 HalfDork
1/17/11 7:12 p.m.

Har har!

SillyImportRacer
SillyImportRacer Reader
1/17/11 7:18 p.m.

:D

porksboy
porksboy SuperDork
1/17/11 7:22 p.m.

Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals. "I’ll take one of these," he said to the farmer. "What is it?"

"Well, to me it’s a cock, but to you it’s a rooster," said the farmer.

"I’ll take one of these, too," said the city boy. "What is it?"

"Well, to me it’s a pullet, but to you it’s a chicken," replied the farmer.

"Okay," said the city boy. "And I’ll take one of those, too, if you’ll tell me what it is."

"To me it’s an ass, but to you it’s a mule," explained the farmer, "and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch it’s belly to get it moving again."

So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He was doing fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he is having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

"Actually, yes," said the city boy. "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

Badum bump!

curtis73
curtis73 UberDork
1/18/11 8:48 a.m.

A farmer was out on his ranch tending to his livestock and mending some fences. In the distance he sees a Range Rover headed across the open field toward him. The Rover stops, a city-slick man gets out with a bluetooth headset, designer sunglasses, and Armani shoes.

The city guy says, "if I can guess exactly how many cows are in your herd, can I have a calf?" The farmer graciously accepts since he has thousands spread over half the state and knows he's safe.

The city guy gets on his laptop, hooks up his droid, sets a little dish on top of his truck and hooks up to some satellites. He calls a friend at the IRS to find out the boundaries of the man's ranch and then confirms any caves or bluffs hiding his view with the USGS. He calls a friend at NASA and finds out which satellites are at apogee. After viewing the image on his laptop for a while, he says a number: "1146 cows" he says.

The farmer says that's impressive. The city guy looks around, chooses a fine calf and puts it in the back of his Rover. The farmer (being a betting man) says, "If I can guess your occupation, will you give me back the calf?" The city guy thinks for a minute and agrees. "You're a congressman," says the farmer. "Amazing, how did you know?"

The farmer says:
- you used millions of dollars of taxpayer's money to find out something no one cares about
- you came into my private life without asking to tell me something I already knew,
- and lastly, you don't know E36 M3 about farming... this is a sheep ranch. Can I have my dog back please?

ManBearSTIG
ManBearSTIG Reader
1/18/11 11:23 a.m.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, its some really obscure number you have probably never even heard of.

What do you call a black man that flies a plane?

A pilot, you berkeleying racist.

That idiot who can't spell
That idiot who can't spell SuperDork
1/18/11 12:33 p.m.

The original anti-theft device- Lucas Electric products

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify it's product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered that didn't suck.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit.

I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experience prob...

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

That idiot who can't spell
That idiot who can't spell SuperDork
1/18/11 12:37 p.m.

Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on

How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb? 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan? Skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator? A Man U fan is a real dick

What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common? They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig? I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

That idiot who can't spell
That idiot who can't spell SuperDork
1/18/11 12:37 p.m.

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI

pinchvalve
pinchvalve SuperDork
1/18/11 12:58 p.m.

In reply to curtis73:

OT: Thank you BTW for bringing sexy back.

pinchvalve
pinchvalve SuperDork
1/18/11 1:00 p.m.

Two sausages are frying in a pan.

One sausage says to the other sausage "man, its getting hot in here"

The other sausage replies: "get you, a talking sausage!"

My wife thinks that is hilarious. I don't even think its a joke.

EricM
EricM Dork
1/18/11 1:03 p.m.

For the rest of the day I am going to answer all questions with, "I'll hold the Chickens"

Drewsifer
Drewsifer HalfDork
1/18/11 1:09 p.m.
pinchvalve wrote: Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage says to the other sausage "man, its getting hot in here" The other sausage replies: "get you, a talking sausage!" My wife thinks that is hilarious. I don't even think its a joke.

I've always told that as:

Two muffins are in the oven. One turns to the other and say, "Man it's hot in here".

The other replies, "Holy E36 M3 a talking muffin!".

3 guys get lost in the jungle. A tribe of cannibals finds them. The chief tells them, "Go into the jungle and find 10 of a fruit and bring it back here".

The first guy comes back with 10 apples. The chief says, "If you can put all of those apples into your ass without making any noise we will spare you."

The guy gets two and and starts crying, and gets eaten.

The second guy comes back with 10 cherries and is given the same challenge. He gets to number 9 and suddenly starts laughing.

"You almost made it. Why did you start laughing?" The chief asks.

"I just saw the other guy, he got watermelons!"

Raze
Raze Dork
1/18/11 1:27 p.m.

In reply to curtis73:

I liked this one, A LOT!

mndsm
mndsm SuperDork
1/18/11 1:35 p.m.

Two cannibals are in the woods, eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

recycled as all hell, but makes me laugh.

DustoffDave
DustoffDave Reader
1/18/11 1:45 p.m.

Why did the little girl fall out of the swing?

...she didn't have any arms...

Salanis
Salanis SuperDork
1/18/11 1:52 p.m.

What do you get when you cross a rhinocerous and an elephant?

'el-iph-I-no.

bludroptop
bludroptop SuperDork
1/18/11 2:29 p.m.

A patrol car comes across a man walking on the outskirts of town wearing only a pair of boots and a ten-gallon hat. The officer stops and asks the man to explain his circumstances.

The young man replies, "Well, I met this purty young girl at the saloon and she invited me back to her house. After we talked for a few minutes, she took off her shirt. So I took mine off. Then she took off her jeans and well, so did I. Then she took off all of her underwear so I did the same..."

The cop, taking this all in, says - "what happened next?"

Then she said - "Go to town, cowboy!"

chuckles
chuckles Reader
1/18/11 2:32 p.m.
That idiot who can't spell wrote: Dear Mr. Starr: The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA. Apologies, The FBI
  1. Uncalled-for;

  2. Terribly hurtful;

  3. Stupid, and;

4.Reveals a tragic lack of irony.

chuckles
chuckles Reader
1/18/11 2:38 p.m.
That idiot who can't spell wrote: The original anti-theft device- Lucas Electric products." Lo, these many years ago, I bought a pair of Lucas driving lights...we called them "pencil beams" way back then. Despite my inexperience with things electrical, I mounted them to the bumper (yes, the front) of my Barracuda Formula S and wired them to a switch on the dash. They worked perfectly for years until I sold the car and, presumably, thereafter! Lucas and I, we bad. Har!
The Hoff
The Hoff UltraDork
1/18/11 2:58 p.m.
chuckles wrote:
That idiot who can't spell wrote: Dear Mr. Starr: The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA. Apologies, The FBI
  1. Uncalled-for;

  2. Terribly hurtful;

  3. Stupid, and;

4.Reveals a tragic lack of irony.

How can a member with the name "CHUCKLES" not have a sense of humor?

dean1484
dean1484 Dork
1/18/11 3:02 p.m.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he was not chicken.. . .

(from my 5 year old)

Ya I know don't quit my day job... . .

poopshovel
poopshovel SuperDork
1/18/11 3:23 p.m.
mndsm wrote: Two cannibals are in the woods, eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" recycled as all hell, but makes me laugh.

That reminds me of another one. What's the worst part about...ah...nevermind.

Streetwiseguy
Streetwiseguy HalfDork
1/18/11 3:32 p.m.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with no left legs? Lean ground beef.

All the 5 year olds in the crowd are rolling on the floor now....

That idiot who can't spell
That idiot who can't spell SuperDork
1/18/11 3:59 p.m.

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

You might be a redneck if you drive your truck through a metal detector...and it doesn't go off.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth

A new law recently passed in Georgia. When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

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