Joke of the day

Doctor tells a patient he's got six months to live.

"OMG, what do I do, what do you recommend?"

Well, I'd marry a Jewish girl and move to Buffalo, it'll be the longest six months of your life!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender looks confused and says "No.  We don't have any grapes."

The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender "Do you got any grapes?"

The bartender says "I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes."

The duck leaves.

The third day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, being angry at this point says, "I told you yesterday and I told you the day before, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!  You come in here an ask for grapes again I am going to take a hammer and nails and nail your bill to the bar!  GOT IT!!!"

Duck says "Whoa man!"  and the duck leaves.

The fourth day the duck walks into the bar.  The bartender spins around and says "WHAT?!?!?!?!"  

The duck asks "Got any hammer and nails?"

The bartender as confused as ever says "no. We don't have any hammer and nails."

The duck says "Good.  Got any grapes?"

Want to hear a joke about a construction contracter?

Well, it's not finished yet.

In reply to Apple Cougar Mellonseed :

Ok. I'll laugh. :-)

(But I also know the truth!)

Did you hear about the blind guy that fell in a well?

He couldn't really see that well.

sorry

914Driver said:

Doctor tells a patient he's got six months to live.

"OMG, what do I do, what do you recommend?"

Well, I'd marry a Jewish girl and move to Buffalo, it'll be the longest six months of your life!

Doctor examines x-ray, slides stool close to patient & somberly says “you’ve got six”.

Patient excitedly exclaims “six what…six years, six months”

Doctor says “five, four, three…”

A Greek guy goes to a Chinese restaurant and asks the owner:  "What do you have to eat today, Chinaman?"  The owner replies: "Flied Lice."  The Greek laughs at him.  Next day, the Greek walks in and asks: "What do you have to eat today, Chinaman?"  The owner replies: "Flied Lice."  The Greek laughs at him.  Next day, same thing.  The Chinese owner is getting really pissed off.  He goes home and practices and practices and practices.  The next day the Greek walks in and asks: "What do you have to eat today, Chinaman?"  The owner replies: "Fried Rice you Gleek Plick."

Favorite pickup lines...

Does this smell like Chloroform to you?

What a the difference between a fish, a piano, and some glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 

Mndsm said:

What a the difference between a fish, a piano, and some glue?

 

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 

I'll bite. What about the glue?

In reply to ultraclyde :

I knew you'd get stuck there. 

Mndsm said:

In reply to ultraclyde :

I knew you'd get stuck there. 

Damn.   Me too.

In reply to Mndsm :

get the net

Mndsm said:

In reply to ultraclyde :

I knew you'd get stuck there. 

That's tacky 

I found this at Goodwill today.

In reply to Stefan (Not Bruce) :

This is brilliant 

G_Body_Man said:

I found this at Goodwill today.

A sexual harassment shirt.  Nice, but it should stay in the closet...

In reply to Streetwiseguy :

You do realize this is the JOKE thread don't you? 

Hell, I'd wear that to the local car meets. Even the Honduh guys would get it. 

In reply to Toyman01 :

I sure do.  I think it's funny as hell, but I wouldn't wear it in public.  Ever. The right type of Honduh person would not like it a bit.

I would love to tell those people to die in a ditch, but that doesn't fly these days.

Streetwiseguy said:

In reply to Toyman01 :

I sure do.  I think it's funny as hell, but I wouldn't wear it in public.  Ever.

I guess that's what makes it funny. Someone was actually stupid/douchey enough to buy it and wear it 

G_Body_Man said:

Streetwiseguy said:

In reply to Toyman01 :

I sure do.  I think it's funny as hell, but I wouldn't wear it in public.  Ever.

I guess that's what makes it funny. Someone was actually young enough to buy it and wear it

fixed it for you. I used to have a windsurfing shirt that said "if it doesn't blow, it sucks". Probably get me on a watch list today, but it was funny when I was 20 and probably still would be to 20 year old me. And maybe today.

So these two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, and one says "oh, man,I lost an electron!"

the other one says "are you sure?"

"yeah", says the first, "I'm positive!"

Keith Tanner said:

G_Body_Man said:

Streetwiseguy said:

In reply to Toyman01 :

I sure do.  I think it's funny as hell, but I wouldn't wear it in public.  Ever.

I guess that's what makes it funny. Someone was actually young enough to buy it and wear it

fixed it for you. I used to have a windsurfing shirt that said "if it doesn't blow, it sucks". Probably get me on a watch list today, but it was funny when I was 20 and probably still would be to 20 year old me. And maybe today.

So these two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, and one says "oh, man,I lost an electron!"

the other one says "are you sure?"

"yeah", says the first, "I'm positive!"

If it's more of a case of youth, maybe I'm just no fun (I'm still a year and a half off from 20). Not gonna lie, I lol'd hard at the atom joke.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry  applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: AFL 5.0, NRL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.  What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate, 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

I dunno about anyone else, but I, for one, think Logan Paul's now-infamous video did send an important and valuable message about suicide:

If you go off and kill yourself, there will be nobody to stop some jackass social media star from putting your corpse in a video. Try to die of old age so that family members or healthcare professionals will be around to keep them away.

Streetwiseguy said:

G_Body_Man said:

I found this at Goodwill today.

A sexual harassment shirt.  Nice, but it should stay in the closet...

Maybe not, if you wear the right hat...