Joke of the day

In reply to 914Driver :

And that is when the pilot realized he would never take off or get to a gate again.

Rotary engines are like butt chugging. Practical? Hell no. Socially acceptable? Barely. Risky? Absolutely. Fun? If you're into that. Self-destructive? Unquestionably. But let’s face it, at one point everybody’s at least wanted to see what it’s like.

Not a joke in the strictest sense, but perfect for those of us dyslexics who find spelling and gammer rules hard enough to start with.

I before E

Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters

Weird!

I saw a sketch of the new Apple car.  The most striking feature was its lack of windows.

Aw, c'mon, Adrian: I love your sentence, but you gotta play fair!

The FULL rule goes like this (in the form of a poem, for handy memorization):

I before E, except after C, or when sounded like A, as in "neighbour" and "weigh."

If anybody cares, the exceptions are due to the fact that English has more ingredients than prize-winning chili. The "after C" stuff applies to words we got from Latin, and the other stuff is for words from Old English.

In reply to Stealthtercel :

Bravo!  Way to make a pretty funny joke into...

...well...

...something else!! Haha!!!

This is why editors rarely get invited to parties.  In my defence, however, I read the one about the mailman at the top of the page for about the sixth time when I opened this thread before, and I'm still laughing, so I DO have a sense of humour even if it's not very sophisticated.

From Brian Regan:

“I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!”

and in this quote:

foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters

the words foreign, counterfeit, feisty, and caffeinated STILL don't follow the modified rule.

My wife called me at work to let me know a trunk spoiler I ordered for my Yaris arrived today.  Then she told me it was a "spoiler alert".  Dad jokes, not just for dads anymore.

In reply to kazoospec :

They never were just for dads.  Being a dad is just the "pun"ishment for one of those jokes getting you laid....

I wish I could be mean and ugly for just one day. 

This being mean and ugly every day sucks. 

I'm not sure which of my kids I should be more concerned about...

The one who locked me in the closet, or the one who told me how to pick the lock!

Great Mom quotes:

"There are Olympians that begin intense training regimens at the age of 5.  But sure, son.  Keep licking the bathtub!"

"It's OK, baby.  Mommy cries too when her bottle is empty!"

 "If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.  It's science."

"A baby shower recently asked everyone to write down their best parenting advice on note cards.  So, I wrote down my favorite Margarita recipe" 

"Say "Dadda"" (Dad- "Don't you want his first word to be "Momma"?"). "Hell no!  The first 2 are driving me crazy- this one's yours!"

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" 
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" 
HUSBAND: "Of course I do." 
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" 
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." 
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face.) 
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan.) 
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" 
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" 
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to-do." 
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" 
HUSBAND: "I guess so." 
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" 
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "crap."

The guys are all at a deer camp for their annual hunting trip.

No one wants to room with Bob because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is an older cowboy — a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened, why aren’t you exhausted?”

Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night and I slept like a baby.”

My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.
"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.
Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.
"What the heck?!" she snarled.
"Remember this feeling," I said. "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to frickin’ hold you.”

Three really old guys Joe, George and Harry are talking about their spasms, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

Seventy year old Joe says: “I have this problem. I get up every morning at seven o’clock, and it takes me thirty minutes to pee.”

Eighty year old George says: “My situation is worse. I get up at eight o’clock and I sit there and grunt and groan for forty minutes before I finally have a bowel movement.”

Ninety five years old Harry says: “Not me. At seven o’clock I pee like a horse and at eight o’clock I poop like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the other grumpy men.

“I don’t wake up until nine.”

I started carrying a gun around after an attempted mugging a few weeks ago. 

Since then my mugging attempts have been more successful.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. 

You cant imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket. 

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and burn them.

Did that.  Now I'm not sure what to do with the letters.

Veganism is like Communism...

They are both fine, unless you like food.

Friends are like snowflakes.

They disappear when you pee on them.