SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
8/20/18 9:40 a.m.

For you engineers:

deannathegeek
deannathegeek New Reader
8/22/18 7:11 a.m.

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
8/22/18 3:23 p.m.

Only in SC.

You will NOT believe what happened.. I pulled into the gas station earlier to get a drink. When I got out of the car, I noticed a cop watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw her and thought, "This Lady is crazy"!! Anyway, I went in and got my drink. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked outside and the woman's arm was on FIRE! She was swinging her arm and running around acting crazy! I got outside and the cop had pull her on the ground putting the fire out with their COFFEE!! Then when they got the fire out, they put HANDCUFFS on her and threw her in the police car!!

I asked what the charge was. The cop said she was waving a firearm. 

Dusterbd13 My phone berkeleyed up and dropped the punch line. 

Dusterbd13
Dusterbd13 MegaDork
8/22/18 3:27 p.m.

Not sure if true, but true to south Carolina!

 

Mandatoryjoke:

Why wont cannibals eat clowns?

 

Tgey taste funny.

barefootskater
barefootskater HalfDork
8/22/18 3:31 p.m.

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?

de-calf-inated.

 

Sorry. Couldn't find the dad-jokes thread

SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
9/2/18 7:18 p.m.

Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion. 

NermalSnert
NermalSnert New Reader
9/2/18 7:43 p.m.

Lord ya'll, It's so hot I just saw a squirrel blowin' on his nuts.

Adrian_Thompson
Adrian_Thompson MegaDork
9/4/18 12:00 p.m.
SVreX said:

Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion. 

Man he was an ass and that is about as false as statement as you can get, but man oh man was that a funny one liner.  

 

(Note. This post with praise for the French comes from an Englishman which means I have a natural born, deep rooted in my DNA dislike for the French and I still defend their Military record)

 

Now to restore order to this thread

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn?

A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters 

barefootskater
barefootskater HalfDork
9/4/18 12:11 p.m.

Poop jokes are not my absolute favorite, but they are a solid number two.

KyAllroad (Jeremy)
KyAllroad (Jeremy) PowerDork
9/4/18 12:13 p.m.

Surplus French army rifles are being sold at auction.

Never fired and only dropped once.

RealMiniNoMore
RealMiniNoMore PowerDork
9/4/18 12:44 p.m.

What's the difference between the USAF and the French Air Force? 

The US Air Force breaks ground and flies into the wind... 

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy PowerDork
9/5/18 10:04 p.m.

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:






"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy PowerDork
9/5/18 10:10 p.m.

In apology for the last one:

 

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' 
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.' 
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong,
How long have you had arthritis?' 
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' 

RealMiniNoMore
RealMiniNoMore PowerDork
9/6/18 7:42 a.m.

A man and a woman  who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found  themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.  
                                                                                                  
Although  initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very  tired and fell asleep quickly, she in the upper berth and he in the  lower.

At 1:00 AM, the woman leaned down and gently woke the man  saying, 
"Excuse me, I'm  sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get  me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a  better idea," he replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!  That's a great idea!", she exclaimed.

"Good," he replied.  ………….."Get your own damned blanket"

After a moment of silence, she farted.

      THE END

Ransom
Ransom PowerDork
9/6/18 9:27 a.m.

This one courtesy of The MG Experience:

Crack of Doom: A common stress crack that develops on the door skins just behind the vent window. The only known design flaw in the MGB.

Streetwiseguy
Streetwiseguy UltimaDork
9/8/18 11:04 a.m.

There are certainly no aliens at Area 51.  No chance that the current  president wouldn't tweet about making sure those aliens were being deported.

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy PowerDork
9/12/18 9:24 p.m.

Some of these threads have been going on so long I can't remember if I'm resposting or not.
________
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "That be me mother-in-law. She was trying to help my Missus when the dog turned on her." 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line." 

burning_ac1d
burning_ac1d None
9/12/18 10:56 p.m.

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Dusterbd13
Dusterbd13 MegaDork
9/13/18 9:44 a.m.

Copy/Pasted. Also (In the voice of Captain America) "Language!"

This is how I've seen the Florence Drama play out on facebook.

Florence: I'm coming for you.
VA & SC: Please don't
NC: Bring it

Florence: The berkeley did you say to me?
VA & SC: NC, dude shut the berkeley up!
NC: berkeley that and berkeley her windy ass. Punk ass bitch is only a CAT 3.

Florence: *powers up to CAT 4* still wanna talk E36 M3!?
VA & SC: ... nope, we're good
NC: Not only am I going to CONTINUE to talk E36 M3, we got Jim Cantore on his way and we are meme'ing the berkeley out of you.

Florence: you have got to be kidding. Ok fine, I got something for you. *begins powering up to CAT 5*
VA & SC: ......
NC: that's cool, we already have facebook events planned such as welcoming parties, blowing all the fans at you, firing guns at you... we've cleared out ABC stores and are ready to get LIT. Bring it on turbo.

Florence: you... you guys are serious? You really aren't scared of me? But... but I.... I put so much effort into this.
VA & SC: *waiting anxiously*
NC: *chugs beer* get berkeleyed

Florence: fine, I'll leave *shifts south*
VA: *sigh of relief*
SC: God damn it NC you are the worst big brother ever!
NC: time to man up bitch, that damn hurricane is mad.

berkeleying glorious, by Cory Freeman

SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
9/13/18 9:53 a.m.

In reply to Dusterbd13 :

That’s a riot!

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
9/18/18 7:20 a.m.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." 
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
9/19/18 4:19 p.m.

Copy pastes from my FB feed. 

 

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy PowerDork
9/22/18 9:09 p.m.

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level.

So I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, saw an 8 point buck in a meadow, found a huge patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
9/26/18 10:09 a.m.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. 

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. 

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. 

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. 

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." 

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: 

(For 95 points): Which tire?

SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
10/15/18 10:46 a.m.

You should never run with bagpipes. You could put your aye out, or worse yet, get kilt!

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