Joke of the day

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!" 

Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk. 

His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?" 

"Well… they had eggs" he replied.

If you are sitting on the throne at 11:59 pm, and start your business, and finish at 12:01 am, isn't that "Same E36M3, different day"?

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." 

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Adrian_Thompson said:

SVreX said:

Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion. 

Man he was an ass and that is about as false as statement as you can get, but man oh man was that a funny one liner.  

 

(Note. This post with praise for the French comes from an Englishman which means I have a natural born, deep rooted in my DNA dislike for the French and I still defend their Military record)

 

Now to restore order to this thread

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn?

A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters 

I agree with your defense of France. I hope they remember Our Freedom was basically paid for by the French. In fact spending on the American revolution lead directly to the French Revolution which cost the French nobility their heads. 

Yeah, but it was essentially a proxy war kind of thing.  Really more about pissing off the English than supporting the great American experiment (sounds more noble when you frame it that way of course).  Monarchies aren't exactly known for their support of the freedom of the common man​​​.  It (as noted) gave the French population a good idea, and excuse for there own freedom though.

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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. 

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Do you know why Baptists don’t allow premarital sex?

They’re afraid it might lead to dancing!

Women treat me like I'm a god.

They pretty much forget I exist and only call me when they need something.

Halloween is this week, be careful out there and remember:

If you are attacked by a trunkload of clowns, always go for the juggler.

In reply to aussiesmg :

frenchyd said:

In reply to aussiesmg :

I pay $300 a month for a big LED billboard that I can change any time, and I feel like I’m a punk if I don’t do this.

You go into the bathroom, you're American.
You come out of the bathroom, you're American.
While you're in there, you're a peein.

My daughter came up with this (shes 9)

What do almonds get for Christmas?

Nut-thing!

I don't understand women...

I thought opening the door was the polite thing for a man to do.  But she just screamed, and flew out of the plane...

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too."

"Again I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. "Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake."

So I get home today, and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty. 
Now, my neighbors raise these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home. 
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong? 
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

When the time comes I want to die quietly, sleeping peacefully like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.  

I went to the doctor and he told me not to eat anything fatty. 

I said, “What, you mean like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No Fatty, Don’t eat anything”.

Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes, put them under the tree, and every time one of your kids acts up throw one of them in the fireplace. 

Question: What if I run out of kids?

How do you deal with a pissed off redhead?

Gingerly. 

I find jokes as an essential part of life.  It makes you smile and let your sorrows go away.

English teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence:

"Children in the dark make mistakes"

Student:

"Mistakes in the dark make children"

What do Dragons Eat?

Fire Crackers. . .