I went to the Air and Space museum....there was nothing to see....
I went to the Air and Space museum....there was nothing to see....
My wife told me I didn’t understand irony, which was ironic because we were at the bus stop.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes. The others were at least a seven or eight.
I was in a bar, one night, and two rather large ladies were chatting away. I interrupted, "That's a lovely accent you've got . Are you two ladies from England?"
The larger bird barked back, "It's Wales, you feckin' idiot!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "Are you two whales from England?"
My friend: hey, nice car
Me: yeah, 400 horsepower
My friend: that's like 7000 ducks
Me: what
My friend: what
I just want to take a second to thank the credit card companies for all they did to help me make it through my 20s.
I dont think i could ever repay you.
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Toyman01 said:A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
This is such a stretch that you've earned a standing golf clap.
Why was the lawyer worried when he had diarrhea? He thought he was melting...
(this works for politicians too. But then aren't the majority of them lawyers?)
Not actually a joke, but I laughed- Local grocery chain has pork legs on sale this week for $.99 per pound, with a link to a video of how to cut your pork leg into "Six succulent cuts". That led to a video of a butcher cutting up a half hog...One of the comments was, "This guy is the worst veterinarian ever."
Along those same lines, my wife discovered something new in software her business uses and texted me that "Now she knew how Einstein felt when he invented the lightbulb." I laughed my arse off at that.
Then I realized she might have been serious.....
I haven't had the guts to directly ask her, and I probably won't.
In reply to ultraclyde :
A husband and wife are watching TV. The wife automatically turns on one of her favorite cooking shows.
The husband says, “Why do you watch all these cooking shows when you are such a terrible cook?”
His wife responds, “I don’t know. Why do you watch porn?”
Not a joke, this really happened.
Daughter and Son-in-law brother bought a house. Before they moved in, they painted everything.
I was there, helping SiL put new floor vent registers in. My ex, was there painting baseboards. [in the 20 years we've been divorced, we've become... friends, again?] She was down on her hands and knees, in a corner, when I came into the bedroom she was painting in.
"Sorry if I have some butt crack showing," she muttered.
I replied, "It's not like I've never seen it before." 
To see her husband’s reaction, a woman wrote on a piece of paper “I’ve left. I’m not coming back”. Then she hid under the bed and waited for her husband to arrive.
He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote something on the paper, then started singing, very satisfied.
5 minutes later, he picked up his cellphone and called someone. “I’m coming now. The nut is gone. Remember I love you so much, and can’t wait to see you”. He took the car and left.
Furious, she comes out from under the bed, and reads what he wrote on the note....
”I can see your feet. I went for bread. Stop being retarded and make dinner. Lol. “
The way politics are going these days I'm really starting to worry about what kind of world we are going to leave behind for Betty White and Keith Richards to live in when we are all gone.
Dad jokes:
Why cant you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
My wife asked me to hand her the lipstick, but I accidentally handed her a glue stick. She still isnt speaking to me...
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyre so good at it
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
nevermind, its tear-able
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was out standing in his field
A blind man walks into a bar...and a chair...and a table...and...
Why is the circus so exciting?
Because its always in-tents
I told my wife that she drew her ebrows too high with her makeup pencil...she seemed surprised
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz AMG, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-E36 M3tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
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