No Time
No Time SuperDork
11/11/20 7:20 p.m.

914Driver
914Driver MegaDork
11/12/20 7:09 a.m.

What do you get when David Crosby murders Mick Jagger and Keith Richards?

 

 

 

 

You kill two Stones with one Byrd.

Yourself
Yourself New Reader
11/12/20 10:03 a.m.

My sex ed teacher was really hot looking, but talking about harassment you would get detention.

Crxpilot
Crxpilot Reader
11/12/20 6:40 p.m.

Here's my GRM open mic submission. Think hard; it's all in there...

My friend Diaz built a robot who could tell jokes in any language. To name it, he cranked up an internet random word generator and got “Four Submerge”. After writing the code and starting the robot, Diaz asked his metal friend, “Four Submerge, why was 6 afraid of 7? And answer in Spanish, please.”

Four Submerge made a faint beep noise, straightened his aluminum neck tie and said, “Cuatro Cinco says siete ocho nueve, Diaz!”

travellering
travellering HalfDork
11/12/20 8:05 p.m.

In reply to Crxpilot :

All I need to know about life I learned from 90's rock songs.  I know you count "Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, ses... "

Toyman01 (Moderately Supportive Dude)
Toyman01 (Moderately Supportive Dude) MegaDork
11/16/20 7:10 p.m.

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

No Time
No Time SuperDork
11/17/20 8:35 a.m.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' 

I looked at her and said, 
'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.' 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Yourself
Yourself New Reader
11/18/20 4:11 p.m.

It is a fact that a vacuum cleaner will not work in a vacuum.

Well that sucks.

759NRNG (Forum Partidario)
759NRNG (Forum Partidario) UltraDork
12/2/20 5:52 p.m.

What time of the day is it when you notice that cows are bedded down?      pasture bed time.....

759NRNG (Forum Partidario)
759NRNG (Forum Partidario) UltraDork
12/2/20 5:54 p.m.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?      shakes spear 

759NRNG (Forum Partidario)
759NRNG (Forum Partidario) UltraDork
12/2/20 5:56 p.m.

What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?    a dead poodle

759NRNG (Forum Partidario)
759NRNG (Forum Partidario) UltraDork
12/2/20 5:59 p.m.

I've been having issues with chemistry related topics......little or no reactions

759NRNG (Forum Partidario)
759NRNG (Forum Partidario) UltraDork
12/2/20 6:00 p.m.

 

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

 

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."

 

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

 

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

 

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

 

Toyman01 (Moderately Supportive Dude)
Toyman01 (Moderately Supportive Dude) MegaDork
12/3/20 12:27 a.m.

Did you hear about the guy that fell into the eyeglass grinding machine?  He made a spectacle of himself.

Crxpilot
Crxpilot Reader
12/3/20 3:20 p.m.

After reading the feature on the University of Georgia engineering program, I was reminded of this gem from Lewis Grizzard.

“Got to tell the dog story. There’s somebody left who hasn’t heard the dog story.

We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.

85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. People in Switzerland are seeing this ballgame. Going everywhere.

The band cranks up “Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia” and our team comes running out. 85,000 stand as one.

We are led by our gallant mascot, UGA-U-G-A. What a dog! What a gorgeous dog. What a symbol of ferocity. But UGA ain’t real smart. UGA did not realize he was at a football game. Nor did he realize he was on national television, and was going into living rooms the width and breadth of this great nation.

And there, in front of all them people, he began to lick himself where dogs occasionally want to lick themselves, ok?

We don’t have to get any more graphic than that.

Bubba an’ Earl sittin’ on the fifty.

Bubba sees the dog, punches earl and said, ‘Earl, look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that.’

Earl said, ‘ Bubba, that dog’ll bite you!’”

914Driver
914Driver MegaDork
12/19/20 8:42 a.m.

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of south Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there...'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a bullE36 M3ter. He's never been out of the yard.’

Joke for the Day:  A friend of mine was kidnapped by a group of mimes. They made him do unspeakable things..........

Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón)
Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón) MegaDork
1/15/21 9:40 p.m.

So this guy a know into urban farming bought a chicken coop and some juvenile egg hens with his stimulus money. He got his money for nothing so his chicks were free.

No Time
No Time SuperDork
1/15/21 9:50 p.m.

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
1/21/21 11:48 a.m.

we have finger tips but we don't have toe tips. 

And yet we can tip toe but we can't tip finger. 

barefootskater (Shaun)
barefootskater (Shaun) UberDork
1/22/21 11:07 p.m.

I just donated $500 to a charity for blind children. Not that the kids will see any of it. 

barefootskater (Shaun)
barefootskater (Shaun) UberDork
1/23/21 12:07 p.m.

Hear me out. (10+10)=(11+11)

10+10=20

11+11=22

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry

RichardNZ
RichardNZ Reader
1/27/21 8:19 p.m.

Streetwiseguy
Streetwiseguy MegaDork
1/27/21 10:08 p.m.
barefootskater (Shaun) said:

Hear me out. (10+10)=(11+11)

10+10=20

11+11=22

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry

I need help with this one.

wae
wae UberDork
1/27/21 10:13 p.m.

In reply to Streetwiseguy :

Say it out loud

Our Preferred Partners
cc6PweDDuRmH8RA87qt8myID8zlCDVzMH8yeN5mnbZToAXT2cVumEA2c6skbEn6I