"Letting go" of older dog.

Help me out here!

We've had a Chihuahua-Maltese-Cokker Spaniel for 12-13 years (since birth). No major medical problems since just about 2 months ago. All of a sudden my wife says he started bumping into things when she calls him and at times he was just staring at the walls. She took him in and they diagnosed him with cataracts. Practically Blind! A few weeks after that, he had a heavy breathing episode and my wife took him into the vet and 1200.00 later, he's diagnosed with conjestive heart failure. more meds. The dog has blown up from 12 pounds to about 20.

My family is living in another state while I am finishing out my military career in another state awaiting retirement in about 5 months. I visit home about every other weekend and can't help but notice the way my wifes care for this dog has consumed her. She has to carry him out to go potty every 2-3 hours, he pissed all over him-self overnight, daily. She has to hand-feed him his meds disguised in treats or he'll spit them out. She can't leave the house or be out of the house any time around 10:00 AM or 10:00 PM. Her whole life is rotating around this dog.

I love the dog, it's been with us around the world in 3 different continents, good traveler, etc. He's been snappy since birth, the kids have never really played with it. It pretty much is my wife's dog.

The last few conversations with my wife have been pretty tense-filled. We've been talking about daily stuff and I can't come to the topic of asking her when she's going to consider the quality of life of the dog, versus her emotional attachment.

The dog can't be walked, he has to remain corralled daily to avoid him falling down the stairs, or running into a corner. etc.. I feel my wife need to move on with her life and let go, but I don't know how to tell her. I think the best thing is to let the dog go in OUR terms instead of something just deteriorating and he goes from one day to the next.

How do I approach the subject,, peacefully.

Thanks in advance!

Doesn't sound like things are enjoyable for the dog either, I think the time has definitely come to have the quality-of-life talk, from your description...

Talk to your vet and then let him talk to your wife. No matter how many times I tried to convince my wife there were quality of life issues for the dog it didn't set in until the vet told her it was time.

She just wants to feel she has done everything she can, in some ways the vet will provide false hope because if she wants to do something he'll give her something to try. So talk with him privately first and let him know that your wife needs the proper encouragement to let the dog move on and not false hope in treatments which prolong a poor quality of life.

Dog needs to be put down, by the sound of it.

You know she's working very hard to try to hang on to the dog a little longer, but it doesn't sound like he's living a particularly happy existence. Its tough to discuss doing the best thing for the dog versus doing the best thing for her (what she's doing now).

I say just do it. Broach the subject gently, but firmly enough to convey that she really needs to consider what is best for the dog. Tell her what you've told us.

Good luck. Someone else may have something more helpful.

Edit: The vet idea is not a bad one at all if you're concerned about negative feelings between you and your wife as a result of this discussion.

On the weekends I go home, I notice her exhaustion. She almost can't sleep. If she hears him breathe heavy over night, she get's up to check on him. I know it's consuming.

If I go the Vet way, I may feel like I'm going behind her back. We'll see.

Thanks..

M3Loco wrote: On the weekends I go home, I notice her exhaustion. She almost can't sleep. If she hears him breathe heavy over night, she get's up to check on him. I know it's consuming. If I go the Vet way, I may feel like I'm going behind her back. We'll see. Thanks..

Don't think of it as going behind her back. Approach the vet with a genuine desire to understand his feelings on the dogs quality of life. You can do it with your wife if you want to keep it on the up and up. Let him weigh in on the quality of life the dog is currently having and what he feels is best for the dog. But as noted by the poster above, letting the vet help make the decision based on the medical needs of the dog will remove some of the potential animosity and accusations that YOU killed the dog.

And I feel for both you and your wife, it is a hard decision to come to and I've waited too long to make it myself sometimes. You've noted the strain it is putting on your wife but that strain carries over to you as well, even moreso since you cannot be home to help. I wish you both the best in whatever you decide.

Honestly, you're not helping the dog in the right way. I like the suggestion of talking to the vet and having them tell her that the dog needs to be put down.

Remember that pets have no way of expressing when they are miserable and sick and maybe that needs to be what is said.

I feel bad for you guys, it's hard to see a dog deteriorate.

You say you're retiring from the military in about 5 months. Presumably that means Big Changes for you and your wife. Be aware that she may be trying to stave off yet another Big Change with the dog. What I'm trying to say is, what she's doing right now may not entirely be about the dog, so when you have the conversation about the dog, be sensitive to what may be going on between the lines.

Stealthtercel is right on track - it's awful to lose a dog in this way, but there's most likely other things going on here that have caused your wife to not let the dog go peaceably.

You can talk to the vet, but the vet may think your wife has the right to treat "her dog" the way she wants, and may not agree with you that its quality of life is as poor as you think. That's something that would be worth talking about. It sounds like you're concerned over your wife's quality of life as well, and your wife probably isn't seeing things from that angle.

Unfortunately the best way to approach it may not be possible given your distance. I'd recommend you, the wife, and the dog go in to the vet together, lay everything on the table, and see what comes out of the discussion. It's very difficult to approach these things long-distance.

The vet may or may not be an ally. Mine (who is a great guy and all but a friend) steadfastly refuses to infuse any direct opinion on matters such as these. He will not play God. He is happy to give you the facts, but will stop short of telling you it's time to do the deed. He forces the client to make the decision. Not all vets are like this, but I think it's become more common. They have to remain detached. Still a review with the vet certainly can't hurt.

Not to be blunt, put...
Your dog is already gone, now you have this other dog where every day is a battle for him. Let his fight end, peacefully.

I feel for you and I have been there as well. I have little advise other than this one experience.
In my community there is a vet that only makes house calls. She has no office at all. As our little buddy got worse off, we used her to save him from the stressful trips to the typical vet office. When "the day came" (and you will know when) we had the whole thing handled at home.
I created as much of a "hospice" environment as possible. As he laid on the bed (his favorite place) we held him and knelled next to him as he softly went away and you could see the relief come over him.

I took him across town to a nice place in the shade on the property of my in-laws.
I miss him every day and I am chocking up writing this but I came to an understanding that he was hanging on for me and the best thing I could do was to tell him it is okay to go.
That was 3 years ago. When he was young we had two puppies from the pound around the same time. Louie made it till 13 + years, the other, Mindy, is now 16+. She is holding well but we will be there again soon.

jrw1621 wrote: Not to be blunt, put... Your dog is already gone, now you have this other dog where every day is a battle for him. Let his fight end, peacefully. I feel for you and I have been there as well. I have little advise other than this one experience. In my community there is a vet that only makes house calls. She has no office at all. As our little buddy got worse off, we used her to save him from the stressful trips to the typical vet office. When "the day came" (and you will know when) we had the whole thing handled at home. I created as much of a "hospice" environment as possible. As he laid on the bed (his favorite place) we held him and knelled next to him as he softly went away and you could see the relief come over him. I took him across town to a nice place in the shade on the property of my in-laws. I miss him every day and I am chocking up writing this but I came to an understanding that he was hanging on for me and the best thing I could do was to tell him it is okay to go. That was 3 years ago. When he was young we had two puppies from the pound around the same time. Louie made it till 13 + years, the other, Mindy, is now 16+. She is holding well but we will be there again soon.

Thanks for your kind words.

The house-call vet is a good Idea.

I'll sleep on it and then hopefully speak to my wife tomorrow AM.

my dog just quit eating or drinking two days ago....

i've been dreading this stage.

M3Loco wrote: The house-call vet is a good Idea.

Quick work of the googles brought me this:
http://www.localvets.com/profile/cristi-jones-dvm-atlanta-georgia.html

Provided your wife isn't prone to hysterics, I think preparing a logical, orderly list of problems/issues that indicate an adverse impact to your pet's quality of life and comfort level and letting her know that you think the time has arrived is the way to go. I'm pretty direct and say what needs to be said and my wife knows that so I'm not expected to be tactful as long as I'm honest and sincere. In your case, this conversation is probably just confirming what she see's every day and hopefully presents information she can't/won't try to refute. Then schedule a visit to the vet where the two of you can have an open and honest discussion with the vet regarding the best option for your pet. That's what I did regarding our iguana and it took a couple of phases for my wife to accept. I talked to her about the issues a couple of weeks before a scheduled visit to the vet and got her to agree to observe and pay attention to the issues I raised. At the vet's, we discussed our observations and he indicated that we probably should be starting to consider our choices and timing. After the vet visit it took another couple of weeks before my wife was willing to admit it was time, but she did and I think we timed it reasonably well.

jrw1621 wrote:

M3Loco wrote: The house-call vet is a good Idea.

Quick work of the googles brought me this: http://www.localvets.com/profile/cristi-jones-dvm-atlanta-georgia.html

Thanks Man! Pretty awesome option. I'd hate for another 300.00 work-up just so that the NEW vet can tell us what we already know.

Still. good option.

Secretariata wrote: Provided your wife isn't prone to hysterics, I think preparing a logical, orderly list of problems/issues that indicate an adverse impact to your pet's quality of life and comfort level and letting her know that you think the time has arrived is the way to go. I'm pretty direct and say what needs to be said and my wife knows that so I'm not expected to be tactful as long as I'm honest and sincere. In your case, this conversation is probably just confirming what she see's every day and hopefully presents information she can't/won't try to refute. Then schedule a visit to the vet where the two of you can have an open and honest discussion with the vet regarding the best option for your pet. That's what I did regarding our iguana and it took a couple of phases for my wife to accept. I talked to her about the issues a couple of weeks before a scheduled visit to the vet and got her to agree to observe and pay attention to the issues I raised. At the vet's, we discussed our observations and he indicated that we probably should be starting to consider our choices and timing. After the vet visit it took another couple of weeks before my wife was willing to admit it was time, but she did and I think we timed it reasonably well.

She definitely knows the problems. Every time I call and ask "How's Piggy?" It's like I'm reminding her about her daily stress of dealing with the issue. In order for me to have a descent conversation, I have to try to avoid the question.

We'll see how it works out.... Hopefully she starts the topic and finds that it's enough.

She's not working now because we just relocated them to GA while I'm in MS. I mentioned to her that if she were to get a job when the boys go to school next month, what is she going to do with a sick dog. It was met with "We'll figure it out".

Hard to say good bye. Coincidentally, my cat is blind, senile and has really started to waste this week. I was in denial 2 weeks ago and scheduled, then cancelled, the appointment to euthenize him.

I've had him since I was a sophomore in undergrad. I've been through grad school and law school since then, not to mention practicing law now for 8 years.

He wasn't a kitten when I got him, probably two. I put his age at 22 human years, way beyond the normal life span of a cat. I have almost had him for as long a period in my life as I did not.

In reply to M3Loco:

It was tough and I had to start the conversation and not give up when she got upset. I think that it took me making the statement that I felt it was time to plan to put her to sleep based on my observations in order to start the process. Otherwise, I think my wife would have refused to admit what was happening. If I hadn't made such a forceful statement I don't think it would have had enough impact to make her seriously face it as a realistic condition. I felt really bad, but was determined that it needed to be said for our pet's sake. Our pet was my wife's first that she picked and she had her for a year or so before I came along, so there was some identification of it being my wife's pet too. Luckily, I didn't have to deal with the issue of being separated by work that you have and I'm sure that makes it even tougher. Obviously, we all have different relationships with our family and our pets so what works for one situation may not be best for others. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

Here is a short video of my buddy, Louie, taken about 10 months before the end. Even here at 13 yrs old, he still looks like a puppy.
The suspected tumor on his spine was taking away the control of his back legs. Shortly after this he had wheels for the back that helped but without them he dragged himself forward with the front paws. In the end, we carried him everywhere and bathroom functions had become a critical issue.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZabdY6ermM&feature=relmfu

He was just a pound mutt and sort of a 20lb Pomeranian in looks but not in mannerisms. He only cared about one thing and that was where I was and that I was happy.

Another:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDHA-51JPvg&feature=relmfu
Note the mismatched rugs. We had just moved to a temporary place that was hardwoods but for him to grip with the front paws to drag the backs he could/would only walk on carpeted surfaces.

Spoke to my wife this AM, about 1 hour ago.

It didn't turn out as I thought.

Bottom Line: I was accused of trying to KILL her dog!

I started off by suggesting we contact a Vet that makes house calls in order to minimize the stress that we put on him by taking him to the Vet. It was well accepted and considered for next appointment...... Then it went downhill when I asked that I'd like to hear of a more detailed plan for his treatment in the long-term from the Vet. I mentioned about the quality of life he is having which is also affecting hers and ours... etc... She said that she can explain to me what a Vet can and why should I have to ask the Vet. She knows he is not in any pain, etc... and all I have to do is ask her and she'll tell me. She had the dog since he can fit in her palm and that she nourished him from his paralysis 8 years ago, etc.. she knows him.

I mentioned that he is blind, and has conjestive heart failure, which is a double whammy. She says that blind dogs live fruitful lives, and that animals live with conjestive heart failure for a long time. She also said that I should have thought about how I was going to bring up this topic to her and that it's insulting that I suggest killing her dog when there are other factors like Kids, School, House, the Pool, Laundry, another dog that requires thyroid meds the same age, and all other stressors I bring to the table by not being there. . She said that in the event that the dog is in pain, and if the vet says that the meds aren't working any longer, she would know what to do. That meanwhile, she'll stay on course and do what needs to be done.

After that, I was pretty much burnt. I didn't have enything left. I just said "F" it and told her that she needs to realize that the end is coming and to be prepared mentally and start focussing on herself etc.. I told her that I can hear the non-verbals and the stress she's in daily...

After that, I was called an ayhole, inconsiderate, and everything else for even considering that she didn't have a handle on the situation.

I'm done.

First, to the OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I grew up in a family with working dogs, and around farm animals of all sorts. In that type of setting I learned early on that animals don't live as long as people, and that animals don't get the same medical treatment if the only point is to make the live longer instead of better.

I also have ethical issues with spending resources to keep pets alive when we there are people dying on a regular basis because of a lack of access to health care.

My SO doesn't have that background is probably going to want to mortgage our house when one of her cats gets old and sick. Despite all the good advice people have given I don't think there is going to be a good way to have that conversation with her, and I think the OP was in a similar no win situation. Hopefully she finds a point where she's calm enough and can process some of what you've mentioned.

In reply to M3Loco:

Terribly sorry that it turned out that way. It's a very difficult situation and you tried to do what you think is best. If she is unwilling to have a rational discussion about it there isn't much left for you to do. At the risk of sounding like an shiny happy person, hopefully nature will take it's course before you move back.