"Wife's boob popped last week. I had to pay $9000 for a new tit."
Tile guy at a job site last week.
"I wish it would rain already. Then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about taking a nap."
-My wife, as she settles in on the couch (today is overcast, but not raining)
"Good men mean well. We just don't always do well." - Isaac Clarke
Coworker: "There's a trick to getting these two-piece rear main seals not to leak."
Me: "Yeah, it's called 'Don't play with these old pieces of E36 M3'"
Me: "Hey, Dave, the back of the exhaust on your truck is missing."
Coworker Dave: "I have an exhaust for this truck, but it's for a shortbed." (Truck in question is a longbed)
Me: "Sooo, you don't have an exhaust for this truck"
"Because sometimes... a man's gotta moisturize" my co-worker Biker Steve working goop into his Betty Page tattoo.
"You see? This is what happens when I come to work sober!"
Says the man mopping up an unreasonably large flood from the overflowing CNC mill coolant tanks.
"I kept my foot in it, though. You want me over you throw those stop sticks." - Anonymous GRM individual
The left lane is for CRIME!
I have two. One is in my signature. The other I just came up with.
"I'm going to start asking people to use uncommon sense. Common sense hasn't been working too well."
"Stand amongst the ashes of a trillion dead souls, and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer."
Me: I really want an RX-8 lately. Is there something wrong with me?
My friend Chris: Yes. But also no.
My wife: "I always thought Kristen had more than 6 kids, but I guess it just that they're all so darned tall"
(My wife is 5'0")
"It still weirds me out that there is a hearse in my grid..."
-Adam Jabaay
"We're only seeing the tip of the iceberg."
"Which, on the bright side, is better than iceberg detection through a boatlike crunching sound."
After detractors told him to make it sweeter or use a tomato base because it won't sell, Americans won't buy hot sauces:
"Hot sauce must be hot. If you don't like it hot, use less. We don't make mayonnaise here."
"Hope this customer likes barbeque, because their engine is smoked." - Me, delivering my diagnosis of one dead 2.4L Ecotec.
"Do you know whose problem that isn't?"
-My saying, that has become a favorite of a coworker's. Frequently used when discussing other people doing stupid things to make their personal lives difficult.
"Oh, you'll know her. She's got a face like Skeletor and a voice like Sam Elliott."
Javik: The Synril claimed to have found the path to eternal peace.
Garrus Vakarian: What happened?
Javik: The Ditakur preferred war and wiped them out.
"These things don't work because the crossed fingers are tightened to spec."
"Beware the voices of sensible men who sing almost in tune and know all the words."
"I just tested negative for sympathy."
"We got haters and we don't even have an episode out yet. I call that a win."
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