Good news!
I pulled the drain plug, and no coolant came out. It sat for 2 weeks, so if anything was going to separate, it would have done so by now. Also pulled the oil filter out (BMWs use canister filters where you can easily see the filter element) and the pleats are still straight, so no evidence of water in the oil there either. They swell and get wavy in the presence of coolant. There is a lot of dirt in the filter already though - it looks like the fresh synthetic oil is really softening all the deposits in the engine.
Final check was a 15 mile drive to emulsify any coolant in the oil to make it obvious, and then pulled the valve cover. No visible emulsification, and everything looks really good inside. I also cleaned out the CCV passages, which are incredibly simple and basically impossible to clog on this car. Cleaning the radiator cap seemed to fix the low cooling system pressure; the seals are looking a little square, so it will be replaced soon.
Valve cover. Normally emulsification shows up where the timing chain slings oil against it.
The head. I also checked under the baffle over the intake cam, and it also looks good.
The CCV passages. Crankcase gasses leave the valve cover at the top left of the pic. Nothing to really get clogged here, so it must have just been the hose getting clogged. It's pretty small ID.
Going to put another ~50 miles on it and do an oil change to get some of the crap out of the engine. I can't believe how much the sludge is just melting away. I will also reconnect the CCV when I do the oil change.
The good side: looks like everything is in working order for this to be a more comfortable daily.
The bad side: no immediate reason to do an S52 swap for awhile.
Proof that I've actually driven it: