Automatic when I am in Atlanta traffic. Diesel train horns and remote paint machine guns for the same. Manual when I want to play. Regular gas. Turbo s. Classic. Nimble. Stable. Cheap to insure. Wagon / hatch / convertible. Mid /multi engine. And sexy. Hellcat power and CRX HF fuel economy. That should about cover it. And my Wife can only hate it a little.
Sounds easy enough. Though you didn't mention wether it needs to float or not.
Budget?
(Let me guess: Challenge money?)
You need an LS1 Fiero-mino with a tow package and a 3" lift.
First generation Golf R32 with turbo.
Corvette Convertible with parcel shelf machine gun?
ls1fiero wrote: Automatic when I am in Atlanta traffic. Diesel train horns and remote paint machine guns for the same. Manual when I want to play. Regular gas. Turbo s. Classic. Nimble. Stable. Cheap to insure. Wagon / hatch / convertible. Mid /multi engine. And sexy. Hellcat power and CRX HF fuel economy. That should about cover it. And my Wife can only hate it a little.
You're going about this all wrong. You need to buy all those cars and get a new wife 
This hits a large number of your criteria... except it does not shoot paint and you will have to install the horns yourself.
Duh, Miata (with a turbo and DSG trans)
Brett_Murphy wrote: You need an LS1 Fiero-mino with a tow package and a 3" lift.
Mazda 2 or Ford Fiesta
Mike wrote:Brett_Murphy wrote: You need an LS1 Fiero-mino with a tow package and a 3" lift.
Nailed it!
If you want CRX HF fuel economy, buy a CRX HF. If you want to watch Hellcats disappear in the rear-view, invest in JATO units.
The answe is a 72 el Camino with box flares, the gmpp ls3 e-rod engine, 315 on all four corners, a pair of turbos, twist machine paddle shifted 4l80e, biggest ac unit vintage air sells, tinted as dark as law will allow. White exterior and red interior. Mount a 15lb co2 tank in the smugglers compartment with an an line going to a pair of servo actuated Tipton paintball guns mounted to a 4 point truck bed roll cage. Add lights and a pair of pushbars. Alao a spot light. Should tick all the boxes but hatchback.
local motors rally fighter
Ford Pinto.
Fiesta 1.0L eco boost with powershift.
Mike wrote:
I'm speechless. That is the most horrid thing I've seen in a while. If somebody stuck fishing pole carriers on the bumper, it would be perfect.
Taking the job description at a literal level...
A lazy boy couch and a fast girlfriend?
Dusterbd13 wrote: The answe is a 72 el Camino with box flares, the gmpp ls3 e-rod engine, 315 on all four corners, a pair of turbos, twist machine paddle shifted 4l80e, biggest ac unit vintage air sells, tinted as dark as law will allow. White exterior and red interior. Mount a 15lb co2 tank in the smugglers compartment with an an line going to a pair of servo actuated Tipton paintball guns mounted to a 4 point truck bed roll cage. Add lights and a pair of pushbars. Alao a spot light. Should tick all the boxes but hatchback.
box ticked
In reply to GCooper:
Old School Salesguy: I understand, and it’s wonderful that you don’t care if anyone questions your sexual orientation
Fry: I care! I care plenty! grabs the salesguy I just don’t know how to make em’ stop!
Old School Salesguy: One word.ThunderCougarFalconBird
captdownshift wrote: local motors rally fighter
This with a compressed air paint ball gun mounted up top would pretty much nail it.
singleslammer wrote:captdownshift wrote: local motors rally fighterThis with a compressed air paint ball gun mounted up top would pretty much nail it.
YES AND MORE YES! Flat black with red skulls. Side exhaust with spark plugs for flame throwing. Air ride with like five feet of travel. REALLY loud PA system with recordings of gnarly sounds like monster trucks and tires squealing before a CRASH. Explosions, a jet landing on the roof... Oh the joy I will experience! Somebody "loan" me the money for this quick!
Brett_Murphy wrote:Mike wrote:I'm speechless. That is the most horrid thing I've seen in a while. If somebody stuck fishing pole carriers on the bumper, it would be perfect.
That's like a redneck GM Ford RS 200! 
Aztec with naaaaawwwwsssss
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