I think im hearing a lot of self-diagnosis here from people who havent rebuilt their own transmissions and dont explicitly know what's going on in them.
The point about engine braking is entirely secondary to why the manufacturer doesnt want you to tow in 4th. A manufacturer is not going to sell you a car for tens of thousands of dollars with a book inside telling you which thousands of dollars worth of parts are going to fail. They are going to gloss that over and give you a layman's excuse for why not to do it.
Anwyay, first thing is that not all transmissions are the same. Not all transmissions have the same power in front of them, the same weight behind them, and the same driver mixing it all up for MAXIMUM FAIL. Comparing towing across platforms is always apples to oranges. An oversimplified rule of thumb like 'Dont tow in 4th' is about as specific as youd ever want to get trying to give advice for every platform and situation, and even then it is oversimplified generalization.. you know, the kind of stuff you'd find in an owners manual
Now, a few analogies are in order..
As far as transmission temperature, consider what causes heat in the transmission. The pump creates some heat. The converter creates some heat. the slippage between clutch elements when they are ENGAGING creates some heat. The friction between metal surfaces such as bushings on shafts, thrust bearings, gear surfaces like in the planetary gearsets, all those create some heat.
But lets parse that down and see how much of that is reactive to LOAD.
Does the pump create more heat when there is more load coming in the input shaft? No. The converter isnt even driven by the input shaft, its driven by the converter case, which spins at engine rpm. Unless rpm changes, the pump doesnt change. The amount of resistance to flow out of the pump changes somewhat depending on which paths are open, but the more paths are open, the less resistance there is! The pump is not a major contributor to heat.
How about heat from friction between bushings, bearings, and gear teeth? This can definitely go up or down depending on which elements are spinning or held. But is it load dependent? Not really.. there is effectively no thrust load in the longitudinal axis of the transmission. Sure, we've got some side loading on the gears that can change slightly with load, but its also very minor. MUCH less force there than in a manual transmission which has MORE gears spinning ALL THE TIME in a fraction of the heat sink (fluid) which only gets splashed over the gears and doesnt run through any sort of cooler AT ALL and we NEVER worry about overheating our manuals. So, heat from bushings, bearings, and gears contributes to heat generally but its not really load dependent.
How about the converter? Oh, the converter definitely generates a lot of heat. Probably most of it. And, it IS load dependant how much heat it generates. But how does it generate heat? Not much from the thrust bearings. Most of it comes from fluid shear. The amount of fluid shear going on is connected to the difference between input and output speeds. So, when you are at a stop and you floor it, the input goes up to the stall speed, probably between 2 and 3k rpm, and the input is at 0 rpm. This is when there is the most fluid shear going on and the most heat being generated. Now, say you are rolling at low speeds in 2nd or 3rd gear and accelerating gently like you normally would in urban traffic. The input speed is somewhere between 1000 rpm and the stall speed of 2 or 3k. The output shaft speed is probably somewhere between 1000 and 2000 rpm. There is fluid shear in this situation, but less than you would find leaving a stop. Now lets get up to highway speed. Generally speaking, when you are moving down the highway, the output speed of the converter is nearly the same as the input speed. In fact, when the converter clutch is activated, they ARE the same. If you unlock the converter in 4th, you will find the stall speed is only a few hundred rpm over the output speed (where it was when the converter was locked). Therefore, with only 2-400 rpm of difference, heat from fluid shear from an unlocked converter in 4th is not that great in the short term. If you keep the converter in a shear situation for long periods, like gently accelerating in 4th with the converter unlocked while towing from 50-80mph, that probably ends up being a substantial amount of heat. Now, if you drop it into 3rd, in some cars lockup will be disabled. In some, it wont be disabled. But even if it is, the output speed is usually higher than the input speed, or very close to the stall speed. You will rarely ever operate with more than a couple hundred rpm difference between input and output speeds on the converter when in 3rd at highway speeds, meaning the converter is not making a lot of heat.
What about the clutches themselves? Do they generate heat? Yes, they do, but only under one circumstance: When they are slipping. They should slip for only a short period while they are engaging, and then should lock up and generate no more heat. But, if you force them to slip with sheer torque, they will generate a LOT of heat. This isnt common and its usually not possible to slip the clutch with sheer power unless other things are already wrong, such as them being overheated to begin with by fluid temps. The big thing you need to know here is that these clutches are just like the clutch in a manual car in that they generate a lot more heat when shifted under power. In a manual car, you let off the gas to shift. Even in the strange, rare instances where you DONT let off the gas to shift, you have the good sense to let out the clutch faster so it has less time to slip. But, an auto tranny doesnt shift any faster just because you're putting power through it. At least, most dont. So, what im saying here is that the best/worst way to generate heat with the clutch packs is to shift them under power, such as letting the trans downshift itself out of 4th gear when you've loaded it up like crazy and its still slowing down. Do this repeatedly (i.e. gear hunting) and you are really making some heat in that clutch pack. Once it gets too hot, it will start to slip, and once it starts to slip, it usually doesnt stop. Its a self-fulfilling cycle of meltdown.
So what do we got so far:
1. The only heat you need to worry about comes from running the converter with a lot of speed differential across it. This means more load in a higher gear makes more heat than less load in a lower gear.
2. The clutch packs are most susceptible to being shifted under power repeatedly. The easy solution to this is to give it only moderate throttle while shifting it to 3rd manually.
Another thing about Trans Temp. What a trans temp gauge can show you is NOT the temperature of the components most susceptible to heat. It will only show you the temperature of the fluid, which is not much more than an averaged out temperature of the entire unit. Not only is it averaged out, its also affected by your engine coolant temps, unless you bypass the stock cooler. If you understand how fluid flows through a clutch pack in a trans, you know it doesnt flow very fast at all. A little bit is sprayed and splashed around and eventually finds its way out and back into the pan via centrifugal force and gravity. It does not fill the clutch pack top to bottom and then flow directly back to the temperature sender to give you a good reading. It also doesnt cool the clutch pack like your engine cylinder is cooled by a water jacket. It just kind of splashes or sprays onto it, finds its way through it, and then drains off. Not like total submersion. So, when the clutch starts to slip, it doesnt send that heat into the fluid nearly as quickly as it generates it. So, the fluid that passes across it heats up, but not as much as the clutches do, and it also doesnt cool them down that fast. Then, that fluid gets mixed in with all the other fluid and cooled down before it gets to the temp sender.
So, a trans temp gauge can only tell you a few things:
1. Your engine coolant is getting hot.
2. Your trans cooler is clogging up.
3. You may be low on fluid.
4. You're using the torque converter the wrong way.
It really is not going to tell you that your clutches are slipping until its too late. Probably the most important thing it can tell you is 'what's normal', so that when you see a temp that's NOT normal, you can be cautious.
Well E36 M3 that was too much typing.
Dont operate your converter with large speed differential for too long.
Dont shift under power repeatedly (I.e. shift it into 3rd YOURSELF, under light throttle).
Think of the trans gauge as an idiot light.
And if you feel it slipping, BACK OUT, or you're fugged.