anger management help

I don't personally have this issue, but my brother has been dealing with his entire life pretty much, and he's 41. It cost him a 15 year marriage and some amount of time with his two kids. He has overcome it to a large extent, but it has been a very difficult journey. From his experience, he didn't start to improve until he found out what was causing his anger. It took a long time, but once he found that out, he could work on the real problem. He still has to fight his anger, but it has come a long, long way.

One issue he does have is that drinking makes it worse. You may not have this problem, but there are different triggers for different people, you need to find yours. You can overcome this, it may take a long time and in arrive in small steps, but I've witnessed success with this first hand. I do believe it is like being an alcoholic in many ways, in that you will always have tendencies towards this, but you need to learn to deal with it in ways that work for you. And finding out why you are angry is a first step.

Good luck as it is not an easy process. You do need props for recognizing you have a problem though, many people don't.

dankspeed wrote: My wife an I don't have any children together although she does have a 12yo from her previous marriage(been together since he was 5). Almost all of our fights are about how he should be disciplined. I'm the heavy she's a softy. She's also excluded me more and more as my temper has become a concern for her. She doesn't want me yelling at her son.

not to justify your anger or behavior, but this is the exact wrong thing for your wife to do as well.

this is just as bad as spouses hiding money from eachother who arent on the same financial page with eachother.

a real marriage doesn't have this kind of segmentation. it just doesn't work as a foundation to start a serious union from.

she can't expect a marriage to be perpetuated based on only partial access to her, and by extension her child. wether she or you like it or not, you married into that child as well as eachother. Just as you don't get to turn a blind eye to him while still having access to her, SHE does not get to shun or shield your involvement with him while still having access to you. (if she has a problem with the anger making the discipline taking a bad shape/form, thats a different thing from having a conflict about what discipline he should be receiving.)

this is why marrying into a previously started family is so tricky, i've had friends who didn't sort this out ahead of time, and it only leads to heartache.

Yeah. I was cohabitating with a girl who had a 13 year old son. I discovered pretty quick that I was the third wheel, I wasn't allowed a voice in who did chores etc. I was working full time, paying my fair share of the bills, took him under my wing and taught him basic mechanicing, helped him with his homework, took him to the R/C races, helped him set up and repair his R/C car, etc. I then discovered that when it came to chores around the house, if I asked him to do something he'd go directly to his mom who would say 'no, you don't have to do that' thereby undermining my authority in the house. We discussed it like adults (she and I), all was OK for a week or two, then I discovered that 1) one of his buddies stole a pistol out of the house, he knew about it and he didn't tell me and 2) I asked him to mow the grass, mom said he didn't have to, we were right back to square 1.

Screw that. I packed my crap and left.

No shock here.

So a single Mom (who is single-for-whatever-reason) learns to parent her child on her own, which includes decision making and discipline.

The child learns to respond to her, good or bad.

She is his natural mother (and in the case of co-habitating, his ONLY legal parent).

And it is somehow a surprise that this transition is difficult???

It's pretty obvious to me that a transition like that would be very difficult, and require a lot of time and patience on EVERYONE'S part.

I'm not trying to be "that guy", but some men (not necessarily anyone n this thread) might want to reconsider their position that they are so important that they have a "right" to be the "boss", or that their "authority" is somehow being undermined.

Technically (in the co-habitating case) the guy doesn't actually have ANY authority. At least not until he earns it, and it is given to him (by the Mom, the child, AND the state).

(I have had 2 step-moms, 2 step-dads, and several co-habitating adults in my life- sort of like being raised by a pack of wolves)

SVreX wrote: No shock here. So a single Mom (who is single-for-whatever-reason) learns to parent her child on her own, which includes decision making and discipline. The child learns to respond to her, good or bad. She is his natural mother (and in the case of co-habitating, his ONLY legal parent). And it is somehow a surprise that this transition is difficult??? It's pretty obvious to me that a transition like that would be very difficult, and require a lot of time and patience on EVERYONE'S part. I'm not trying to be "that guy", but some men (not necessarily anyone n this thread) might want to reconsider their position that they are so important that they have a "right" to be the "boss", or that their "authority" is somehow being undermined. Technically (in the co-habitating case) the guy doesn't actually have ANY authority. At least not until he earns it, and it is given to him (by the Mom, the child, AND the state). (I have had 2 step-moms, 2 step-dads, and several co-habitating adults in my life- sort of like being raised by a pack of wolves)

That transition is very difficult and needs a large adjustment period for both adults and the kids. 6 years now for me and sometimes things are smooth and sometimes they arent. Just have to learn to roll with it.

LOL @ raised by a pack of wolves

SVreX wrote: No shock here. So a single Mom (who is single-for-whatever-reason) learns to parent her child on her own, which includes decision making and discipline. The child learns to respond to her, good or bad. She is his natural mother (and in the case of co-habitating, his ONLY legal parent). And it is somehow a surprise that this transition is difficult??? It's pretty obvious to me that a transition like that would be very difficult, and require a lot of time and patience on EVERYONE'S part. I'm not trying to be "that guy", but some men (not necessarily anyone n this thread) might want to reconsider their position that they are so important that they have a "right" to be the "boss", or that their "authority" is somehow being undermined. Technically (in the co-habitating case) the guy doesn't actually have ANY authority. At least not until he earns it, and it is given to him (by the Mom, the child, AND the state). (I have had 2 step-moms, 2 step-dads, and several co-habitating adults in my life- sort of like being raised by a pack of wolves)

Um. Yeah. Let me put it like this: if he (or anyone else) is gonna live under a roof I help provide, he's gonna help pull the weight and he's gonna listen to me. Or one of us is gonna go.

Since he was her kid it's pretty obvious who that was gonna be, right?

Mom even admitted she was wrong. I guess that's my fault for leaving that part out, I thought perhaps the 'we talked about it like adults' wasn't strong enough.

Talk therapy can be helpful, but also look into folks trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. A lot of ptsd patients find help with CBT (anger often being a big component). The medical literature supports CBT pretty well - not as much with the talk therapy alone.

Well guys we meant with the counselor and I'm happy to say she's agreed to stay married and continue to work on the marriage. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I feel I know what I need to do I just need to execute and stay committed to it. Ill be living outside the home for a while during this time. Its my wifes request and hopefully not too long. She's afraid the day to day will effect our success rate. Not an ideal thing but I'll take it. I'm really excited to have the chance to keep her as my wife.

I can't thank you guys enough for sharing everything you have and thanks to the guys who reached out privately to me. This board rocks!

Excellent.

The living apart thing sounds like a good idea. It evidences you are both serious.

Keep at it!

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

Datsun310Guy wrote: I just got aggravated at Men's Warehouse 45 minutes ago because my suit pants were hemmed into "floods". I need to take it down a notch.......

A bad tailor job is something worth stringing a few hurtful words together over. I'm no metro but goddamn it when I pay extra for something to fit I wanna look like James berkeleying Bond in it or heads will roll. HEADS WILL ROLL! Huh. I just got mad at someone else's tailor.

Last night I turned over the cuffs and point out there isn't enough "meat" on the pants to lengthen them - they assure me they can "max" out the pant length.

Today I go back to get my pants and they are still floods - time for a refund. They say they can get another suit ordered for me.......I ask if they can in time for my Mother-in-laws wake this Thursday @ 3:00pm? No, so I calmly get my refund and leave.

She is protecting her son. He is twelve and likely becoming independent, probably forgets he isn't talking to friends sometimes and it can be real annoying. Telling him so, in a way that a kid doesn't deserve to be talked to, isn't good for a kid or a marriage.

My wife is great at reminding me of this. That No kid deserves a threatening explosion from an adult. Neither does an adult, for that matter.

It isn't easy to keep your cool sometimes, but you obviously value the marriage and the kid. Good luck earning their trust back.

Just don't forget THEY need to earn YOUR trust back, too. It's a two way street.

Curmudgeon wrote: Just don't forget THEY need to earn YOUR trust back, too. It's a two way street.

absolutely

Curmudgeon wrote: Just don't forget THEY need to earn YOUR trust back, too. It's a two way street.

I get it, and agree, but I don't think accepting responsibility for your actions is generally about waiting for the other person to do their part.

While it is very possible Dan's wife has some share of the blame for things getting to where they are, moving forward for Dan is first going to mean taking 100% of the responsibility for Dan and his actions, without condition or limitation.

Which is EXACTLY what I hear him doing. I applaud that, Dan.

Fixing the relationship and the trust will come later. First you gotta accept where you are (even though its not pretty), and work on fixing yourself, so you have something of value to bring to the relationship.

In reply to dankspeed: Roll with it , a tree that bends in the wind doesn't break Kudos to you!

Datsun310Guy wrote:

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

Datsun310Guy wrote: I just got aggravated at Men's Warehouse 45 minutes ago because my suit pants were hemmed into "floods". I need to take it down a notch.......

A bad tailor job is something worth stringing a few hurtful words together over. I'm no metro but goddamn it when I pay extra for something to fit I wanna look like James berkeleying Bond in it or heads will roll. HEADS WILL ROLL! Huh. I just got mad at someone else's tailor.

Last night I turned over the cuffs and point out there isn't enough "meat" on the pants to lengthen them - they assure me they can "max" out the pant length. Today I go back to get my pants and they are still floods - time for a refund. They say they can get another suit ordered for me.......I ask if they can in time for my Mother-in-laws wake this Thursday @ 3:00pm? No, so I calmly get my refund and leave.

Go to Macy's or Carsons. You'll probably be able to buy a suit off the rack for less than $300.

A few years ago I was blind sided by my (now ex) wife with a demand for divorce. She cited my "anger management" issues as a prime reason. I went to counceling and was told that given pressures and stresses I was under my responses might have been a bit strong but weren't outside the normal range. (no hitting or directed verbal abuse, no property damage, no substance abuse. More yelling at inanimate objects, etc.)

I jumped through all her hoops only to still get divorced. Later I found out there was already someone else and her true self was revealed (liar, cheat, thief, generally low grade human). After several years of true rage (and she thought I had issues before!) I found someone so very much better I've found my issues are nearly completely gone.

I still resent the ex. I resent the time with my kids she has stolen from me. I chaffe at the money the state steals from me to give her (she has remarried WELL). But at the end of the day I'm happier with the non material things in life.

SVreX wrote:

Curmudgeon wrote: Just don't forget THEY need to earn YOUR trust back, too. It's a two way street.

I get it, and agree, but I don't think accepting responsibility for your actions is generally about waiting for the other person to do their part. While it is very possible Dan's wife has some share of the blame for things getting to where they are, moving forward for Dan is first going to mean taking 100% of the responsibility for Dan and his actions, without condition or limitation. Which is EXACTLY what I hear him doing. I applaud that, Dan. Fixing the relationship and the trust will come later. First you gotta accept where you are (even though its not pretty), and work on fixing yourself, so you have something of value to bring to the relationship.

THIS!!!! I was going to type my own response but didn't even have to. I have to own my anger and the hurt that its caused. No one in the house is 100% innocent but I can only change me and hope that helps the current situation.

I know my wife and I sm 100% confident she will "man up" when she sees real change from me. As far as my son is concerned he's 12 and needs guidance from both of us on what's right and what's wrong. Unfortunately I have failed at being a good role model. But I'm no longer blind and can fix this.

This board is awesome

chandlerGTi wrote: This board is awesome

X 1000

Dankspeed, I'm on my way to see the mediator to "resolve" our marriage tomorrow. All I want is the chance to live as our family again. I don't care how much counselling it takes I just want that chance. She's not interested. The pain and anger had built up in her to the point she's emotionally empty. I'm grieving for all the time I'm going to lose with our girls and all the other associated issues. If she's willing to give you a chance, don't berkley it up. That's going to be extremely hard to do but if you want it badly enough you can do it. If I had the ability to speak to your wife, all I could do is ask her to give you that chance. Your kids deserve their parents, not "My Mom's Boyfriend" and "My Dad's Girlfriend". It's going to be really hard for her, too, but it takes two people to make it work and it takes two people to make it work. Do whatever it takes and live the Mantra. Have her read this thread if necessary, but make it work. Best of luck.

Stroker,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you all the best.Keep your head up.

Thanks. Unfortunately, based on the discussion with the mediator, the situation just turned into me turning around and taking a telephone pole in the rectum.

Quote by the "family" court judge when I stated that the system didn't seem exactly fair: "Mr. Allroad, it's the LAW and the LAW is fair."

Dumbest thing I think I've ever heard.

I hope yours turns out better Stroker but from my experience it's going to be a good time to buy a tub of lube.