Anyone ever get used and taken advantage of by their best friend?

Anyone ever had to choose to lose a best friend?

I have a crazy life wife, 2 kids, mortgage, affinity for rusty cars, and a demanding job (probably describes 1/2 of the people on this forum now that I think about it). 

Rougly 5 months ago, I had to go to India for business for several weeks.  My best friend asked if he could borrow one of my cars for a couple weeks. He was in a tough spot and between jobs.  I reluctantly gave him my NC Miata because at the time I was not driving it much and it was only a couple of weeks.  Once I gave the go ahead, he quickly found a way to get across the state and pick up the car.  

Well the 2 weeks intended has become 5 months. In that time he has dented one of the fenders, scratched multiple surfaces of the interior, broken the passenger side door handle off and put more wear on the vehicle than I would have in 2 years. There is probably other damage that I haven't even seen yet.  He also used my toll pass while he had the vehicle (I told him he could do this out of feer of being charged twice); He took that as teh go ahead to charge airport parking on the sunpass at $72.  

In the past Month I have been putting pressure on him to bring the car back.  He had claimed to saved up $2500 to buy a car.  Him saving some money to buy his own car was always the point of this effort.  Ultimately, we decided last week he would bring the car back to me on 10/2... Days leading up to 10/2, no contact, 10/3, no contact.  I text him and ask if everything is OK and if he can bring the car back. 

He responded with a pretty short response that basically said he had lost the key (The only one I had), he didn't have the $ to replace it ($200), and that I can come and pick it up (2 hours across state). The text also had a "tone" of being annoyed that I wanted my car back after 5 months.  As you could image there are multiple dimensions of this response that royally piss me off.  I just feel really used by someone I thought was a close friend.  I don't want to have a deeper conversation, because I don't think I'll get what I need out of him. 

Anyone else have a situation like this?  I really feel like this needs to be the end of our friendship.  

Not a real friend.  Sorry to hear you found out the hard way.  I have a rule that I will go above and beyond to help friends and family when they need, but if you disrespect my assistance or only ever call when you need something, we’re no longer cool and I will not have you in my life.  

The worst my buddy did was curb a wheel and bring it back with a nail in the tire, but he’s so oblivious that I chalked it up to the fact that he likely wouldn’t know if he ran over bigfoot

Life is too short to associate with people who bring pain to it.  I’d report it stolen 

In reply to NordicSaab :

Have you considered reporting the car stolen?

Sometimes I’m a softie. I’m not good at letting the hammer fall. I keep trying to forgive, and I fail to recognize that sometimes I am hurting someone by not letting them feel the consequences of their actions. 

Dude stole you car. 

Reporting the car stolen doesn't really make anything better. I gave him the keys, that's on me.  I also don't want any more concerns in my life.  I'm going to pick up the car on Sunday; I'll repair what I need to.    

You gave him the keys for 2 weeks. After that, he stole your car. 

I completely understand your perspective. I’d probably do the same thing. I respect that.

But you are still shielding him from the consequences of his actions. 

  I have a rule that I will go above and beyond to help friends and family when they need, but if you disrespect my assistance or only ever call when you need something, we’re no longer cool and I will not have you in my life.  

It is amazing to me how small my circle of friends got when I aadopted this rule. 

If you don't have the friends and ability to go repo the car, which I would have done at the 2 month mark personally, it might be worth reporting it stolen. 

Not that I'm a saint, I've been on his side of the coin, giving him benefit of the doubt here at least, but when I was homeless with no wheels or prospects I did get help from other people. It's been years now and I still don't feel like I've paid them back properly, despite them saying everything is fine because they do know damn well I'd do the same for them. It's hard enough asking for the help in the first place, but to abuse it like that once it's offered is just being a E36 M3ty person. Seriously, racking up tolls ON TOP OF damaging the car? That's just E36 M3ty all around. 

It's one thing if there's a give and take in the friendship. Lately yes I've been asking a lot of some of my friends as far as labor help and professional advice, at the same time there's big projects coming up of their own that I'll be responsible for helping with. 

I feel like I'll never be able to pay the Mike's back for what they've done for me through the years. It took me 2 years to payoff a $500 car from one, and I lived on the others couch for 6 months. When I handed Mike 1 the money for the car, that had long since been scrapped, it blew his mind because he had just written off as I needed help and that's the kind of guy he is. Living on Mike 2s couch, no job, no real money, I still cooked dinner a few nights a week for me, him, his girl, and their kids. He's never asked for anything, even fought with me about dinner knowing I was broke, but he still gets priority when he calls looking for help or assistance, and usually a too expensive Xmas present. Don't really know the point of this paragraph, just giving an example I guess

In my world it's ultimatum time (well, it would have been a while ago based on what you've described, but anyway...). Communicate to him that unless the car is sitting in your driveway in 48 hours you're reporting it stolen. Proceed accordingly. Either way, once you have the car back, make it clear that you are done with him as a direct consequence of his abusing your friendship and generosity, and then cut off comms dead.

NordicSaab said:

I also don't want any more concerns in my life.  I'm going to pick up the car on Sunday; I'll repair what I need to.    

Friendships over. I would do this.  Get the car and move on.  Send him a letter stating owes you x dollars for the key, unpaid tolls, parking.  
 

This crap wil eat you up - it's not worth it.  

Boy the story I could tell you about a best friend screw over. In my case I had the feeling long before that the friendship was going to end. When it finally did it was a relief to have the drama out of my life. 

I’ve known several good hearted people who have helped out people that are “down in their luck”.   Most of these helping people have gotten screwed over.  There is a reason people get down on their luck and it’s usually a long history of their bad decisions.  

Oddly, my daughter has “inherited” a 97 M Edition Miata from her boss.  For 2 years I pestered him to go get the Miata from a friend who needed some hel that he had loaned it to.   He finally sent a wrecker to fetch the car and drop off at some property they bought that I am helping clean up.  The car has no battery, 4 flat dry rotted tires, mouse E36 M3 everywhere, mold inside, evidence that water was 4” deep in the driver footwell, body damage on the driver front fender and door, dented hood and a rotten top.  I spent the good part of two days getting the leaves out of the engine and mouse E36 M3 out of the rest of the car.   The guy who borrowed the car has gone silent.  

I hesitate to cast judgement on someone I don't know but I wonder if your friend has picked up a habit? Drinking, drugs, gambling, etc. 

I also wonder what someone that can't swing $2,500 for a car is doing at an airport parking lot for 5 days? Vacation?

Best of luck.  Every favor is a test. Most favors work out well.  You feel you have gotten more form the relationship than you have given or somewhere near equal.  In this instance the equation is way off kilter.  Therefore, time to reevaluate the relationship. 

This is why I don't loan out E36 M3. I swear they hear free use means abuse it. SWMBO's brother asked to use/borrow something innocuous and I said no. You would have thought I had said no to an invite to the White House. Then SWMBO got upset personally when I wouldn't let them borrow it when it was exactly what they needed.

Mind you the family got pissy when I demanded they take back their broken down Jeep Liberty that had a home on my car trailer for 8 months after a "only a month" promise...

Go get the car, this friendship is over.  Whether or not you care to tell him that is your decision.

I don't loan out things anymore to anyone.  I've had too many issues with them not coming back, not coming back on time and not coming back in the condition they went out.

Recently a friend asked to borrow my Giro brake caliper spreader.  Refused, told him to go buy a large C clamp.  He then asked me if I had a large C clamp, told him no, he could probably use a large screwdriver.  This is a good friend but also someone who borrowed my miter saw for a small job and 2.5 years later I had to go to his house to collect it with a dull blade.

I would chat with a lawyer, if the guy is ghosting you he knows he was wrong.  You need some leverage in getting him to pay for the car to get back to the condition it was when he received it.

Then let it go; you don't need the gray hair or ulcers.

I lost a best friend when about a year after he came out of the closet and wouldn't stop hitting on me after repeatedly telling him I am not gay. 

Other than that, no. My brother doesn't take care of his things really at all and also doesn't if you loan him something, but that isn't him being rude or taking advantage, that is just him. He's always been hamfisted, and despite trying to take care of things just isn't wired that way. A recent example: his riding lawnmower was broken, rather than try to diagnose it, he just "knew" that he needed a new deck. Got on craigslist, found a parts mower for $15, picked it up, only to find that nothing between the two would fit. His wife then made him turn the mower over where she found about 100 feet of cord or rope wrapped around the blade. Took it off, damn thing was fine. I'm sure that he didn't mean to run over it, and I'm sure that the rope was visible when he did, but I'm also sure that it never tripped in his mind that maybe it would be a bad idea to run over this rope. And he tried in earnest to fix it, but never went through the diagnostic stage.

Anytime I loan him anything - ANYTHING - I expect it to come back broken or in worse shape - he's just hard on everything.

I feel your pain, although my experience is minor compared to someone almost destroying a Miata. Some years ago I bought a semi-abandoned DRZ400 from a friend, paying arguably too much for it because I knew she could use the money.  One issue - she lost the title (from NYS; we live in PA) and needed to get a replacement. Some 4 years later, I'm still waiting for that title while I have a motorcycle I can't register or sell sitting in my shed.  

I also agree with the sentiment there are more difficult issues at work here than just being an unappreciative borrower. 

If this is really your best friend, you should probably try to figure out what's going on when you pick the car up. Someone else mentioned a habit of some kind; that seems likely just based on random speculation. Sometimes people need more help than they are willing to ask for, but also sometimes people reveal their true selves after either time or an adverse event. I'd at least wait to talk to him before making a decision on the friendship.

The psychology of borrowing has fascinated me once I started seeing this phenomenon in my teens.   

At the time it was usually money, and the borrower would hold out way past the time the money was owed back, and then get upset that it was expected back.  "But it's only $XV.xx!  It's no big deal!"    Well, it was a huge deal when you wanted the money loaned to you.

I think a lot of the time, the borrower resents the person who "loaned" the money/car/etc.  Sometimes before he asks, sometimes after he has to give it back, but very often because he feels he has to ask.     Usually, they resent the fact that they aren't as well off as you are, (even if you aren't well off at all)  Instead of straightening out their own mess, they believe it is up to you to make things better for them.  Because it isn't fair that you are doing so well when they aren't.     (even though you may be struggling as much or more than they are)   


I've lost too many friends to count through this sort of thing, and it is one of the reasons I don't let many people close anymore.

Unless he is a sociopath, it sounds like he may have a rather serious problem with alcohol, controlled substances, or both. Or a gambling problem? 

As for reporting the car stolen, that will depend on where you live. In my county that would be considered a breach of trust (which is a civil matter) until 30 days, then after that it can be written up as an Auto Theft (which is a criminal matter).

I really feel for you, the whole situation sucks.  When I was in Basic Training in the olden days before cell phones we would use phone cards and pay phones to call home.  My parents gave me a card to use that they put money on to use while I was there and one night a guy in my squad asked to borrow the card to call his mom.  I didn't think twice and let him use it.  After I graduated I stopped using the card and thought nothing of it.  About a year after that my dad calls me and asks if I had been using the card because there was over $200 in charges on it.  The guy had written down the numbers and when he got stationed in Germany he used it to call home.

My best friend got screwed over by another friend of his while he was deployed in Iraq.  My friends Guard unit got activated and my friend made a deal with this other guy to stay in my friends apartment for the year my buddy would be gone.  The guy did not have to pay rent, just the utilities.  My friend comes back from deployment with a Purple Heart to a trashed apartment and no money from the guy for the utilities.  My friend ended up having to sue the guy and the threat of going on The Peoples Court finally got the guy to pay my friend what he owed.

Kill what you can't save
what you can't eat throw out
what you can't throw out bury

What you can't bury give away
what you can't give away you must carry with you, it is always heavier than you thought

Man, I'd have a serious case of the ass with this guy.  2 weeks is a fine amount of time, 5 months is abusing the relationship.  I'd probably be headed across the state with a truck and trailer to collect my property.  Whether or not he got a "tune-up" while I was there would depend on his attitude and how much cash he could come up with to cover the loss and damage.  

I'm a nice guy and generous to a fault, but berkeley me and you won't like the outcome.

My grandfather always told me never to loan something to a friend and expect to get it back. He told me it is a good way to determine how good the friend actually was. 

I once kicked a friend, who was paying me rent out of my house. He developed a drinking problem and a group of friends that didn’t help the situation. Eventually I felt unwelcome in my own home. After a few years he called me up to apologize, we don’t talk often anymore.

Sometimes friendship is meant for a season, not a lifetime. 

I once loaned a car to a "close relative."  My wife's Camry.  I had just put new brake pads on it.  Brake pads lasted us 100K+ miles.  8K miles later, we picked up the car.  The pads were -><- close to metal on metal.  My first clue was the bottle of brake fluid in the trunk.  Because, you know, the light came on.  8K miles, pads gone.  Oh, and shocks, which were just fine before, totally blown.  Tires, you get the idea.  And do you think it got an oil change in that 8K miles?

It's like, no one told them that when someone is nice enough to loan you a car because you are down on your luck (BECAUSE OF A HISTORY OF POOR DECISIONS) that you should drive it like there's a warrant out for your arrest and a sheriff is tailgating you, not drive it like you stole it.

Well, that's the last time that will ever happen.  Uber fits on your phone. 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day.  Hopefully the only one.  NordicSaab, pick up your car even if you have to go rent a trailer.  Write off that "friend."  My thoughts were that substance abuse was involved by your 4th paragraph.