Anyone ever get used and taken advantage of by their best friend?

dropstep said:

Jumper K Balls (Trent) said:

When my friend of 30 years was in a tough spot and losing his apartment I stepped in.  I rented him a storage space, a uhaul and moved all his E36 M3 into storage and set him up in our guest room so he could get things sorted.

 

It's been 7 berkeleying months. He has done absolutely zero to sort himself out.  His dog is a jerk. He is always HERE. I am cranky. I have had the talk with him that he has to get out.  This was never intended to be a long term thing.  

 

I can't be responsible for another of the many homeless people on the streets,  so I suck it up. My wife was over it months ago.  She stays at work 10 to 13 hours a day just to not be here.

 

I have explained that it is a problem.  He is apologetic and swears he is working on it. 

 

He doesn't even know how to load a berkeleying dishwasher.  

 

At this point he stays upstairs most of the time. It's not like that helps. 

 

I don't recognize my refrigerator anymore . Strange "food" clogs it up. He is supposed to be selling his belongings that are in storage. And manages to get just enough to pay for the next month

His only income is food stamps and my bottle and can deposits (my nightly beer consumption has dramatically increased lateley).  In the summer he leaves the doors open when ac is on and now that it is cold the same with the heater. 

 

Again. I can't just add him to the already huge local homeless population.

 

I'm so over it. I want my life back. I just don't know any other options. 

 

 

I did that with a close friend a few years ago. After 18 months I finally threw him out but let him store his mom's stuff here after she passed away. The stuff is still in the basement amd he still doesn't have a real job. I can understand this deeply, my wife is really understanding but she hit her breaking point at about a year .

Three months.  Any "helping hand" should last three months max or freeloaders will become habituated to the free ride.  

Trent, you have to motivate your friend to get off his ass now.  If it's causing you to drink and a strain on your marriage....it's WAY past due.  There are E36 M3 jobs everywhere, if people are willing to get up and out of the house they can find work,  Your friend needs to be told he can sleep there for a while longer but your home is not to be occupied between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm.  He needs a reason to get off his ass, give it to him.

In reply to Jumper K Balls (Trent) :

Trent, I understand your reluctance, but you need to cut that E36 M3 off now.  Friend or not, his failings are not your responsibility and should NOT be allowed to cause problems in your life and marriage.

Hell, I did it for my own nephew and had to kick him out after less than a year.  You've done enough.  End it and work past the guilt, secure in the knowledge that you tried to help.

Jumper K Balls (Trent) said:

When my friend of 30 years was in a tough spot and losing his apartment I stepped in.  I rented him a storage space, a uhaul and moved all his E36 M3 into storage and set him up in our guest room so he could get things sorted.

 

It sounds like he's depressed. That probably won't go away unless he gets some professional help.

Dr. Hess said:

Trent, BTDT.  4 years.  When his child showed up to live here too, that was the last straw.  I suggest you move him out of your house before it destroys your life/marriage.  Point him at California.  They LOVE the homeless there.  Free everything.  He is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

 

Anyway, the wife now understands that if anyone shows up with their E36 M3, they have 7 days.  On day 8, I put all their E36 M3 on the porch, followed by them, and lock the door.  I also explained that I don't care if it is 15 below zero and there's 2' of snow on the ground.

I forgot to mention that the "child" was 20 years old.  And I specifically said several years before and repeatedly that there would be no other people moving in, because I saw that day coming.

Trent, I think you have some depression going on over this.  Booting him out the berkeleying door will do wonders for your outlook on life. 

Justjim75 said:

The relationship has been strained for a while, but my son still is doing very well.   I cant help but think a major change would be negative since my career and my son's school and extra curricular activities couldnt get any better. 

Academics and extra-curriculars are great and all, but that's not the #1 factor in whether or not he'll lead a healthy and happy life.  Our kids learn a LOT through observing their parents, and they are far more astute than we give them credit for. What do you think you are teaching him right now about relationships?...Is that what you want to be teaching him?

Unlike academics and extra-curriculars, the effects of what he's learning from the modeling of his parents will probably not be fully known for at least another decade or two. Based on your other comments, I cannot recommend strongly enough for you and your wife to seek out counseling....Both as a couple and individually. Not only for your own long-term well-being, but for that of your son as well. It's not like you have anything to lose at this point. In my humble opinion, simply trying to ignore all of these deep seeded (individual and combined) issues for the next 4 years (and proceeding to nuke everything then, right as he's entering college and just starting learn to fly on his own?) will not be doing anybody in your household any favors. Poor choices made with even the best intentions will only make a bad situation worse.

In reply to Driven5 :

He's is learning that his father takes his commitments seriously and that marriage is forever, no matter what, for better or for worse.  I'm gonna pay the back taxes with my savings and "PTO for cash" because good or bad a marriage comes with responsibilities and her Berkups are my Berkups even when its not fair.  What does he learn if i bail on his mom and leave us all in debt?

That may be the greatest thing ive ever said

Justjim75 said:

In reply to Driven5 :

He's is learning that his father takes his commitments seriously and that marriage is forever, no matter what, for better or for worse.  I'm gonna pay the back taxes with my savings and "PTO for cash" because good or bad a marriage comes with responsibilities and her Berkups are my Berkups even when its not fair.  What does he learn if i bail on his mom and leave us all in debt?

That may be the greatest thing ive ever said

But.....you literally said you are holding out for 4 more years. Not forever.

Not to be the shiny happy person here or anything, I just think that a lot of times having a person on the outsides opinion is helpful

Antihero said:

Justjim75 said:

In reply to Driven5 :

He's is learning that his father takes his commitments seriously and that marriage is forever, no matter what, for better or for worse.  I'm gonna pay the back taxes with my savings and "PTO for cash" because good or bad a marriage comes with responsibilities and her Berkups are my Berkups even when its not fair.  What does he learn if i bail on his mom and leave us all in debt?

That may be the greatest thing ive ever said

But.....you literally said you are holding out for 4 more years. Not forever.

 

Not to be the shiny happy person here or anything, I just think that a lot of times having a person on the outsides opinion is helpful

Yes, this. If you're going to make it last forever, make it last forever - and that means working on the relationship. Otherwise you're teaching your son what an unhappy and unhealthy relationship is. 

In reply to Antihero :

yes, i am going to try to make it at least 4 more years.  with any luck and a lot of hard work it will go the distance, but my short term goal is for my son to have both parents together until he leaves

In reply to mtn :

Then it is a lesson in "choose wisely" but again, if you say "till death do us part" and jump ship when things dont go your way that is a much worse example.  Too many single parent households in the USA already.  Thanks for everyones advice

Justjim75 said:

In reply to Antihero :

yes, i am going to try to make it at least 4 more years.  with any luck and a lot of hard work it will go the distance, but my short term goal is for my son to have both parents together until he leaves

That's fair. You seem conflicted over the whole situation too, no reason to make a huge change til you are sure

Justjim75 said:

What does he learn if i bail on his mom and leave us all in debt?

As you evaluate and choose your path forward, try to keep in mind that this question (and the associated commitments) are even more important when asked from a mental/emotional standpoint than from a legal/financial one.

I believed in the "till death" part of my vows as well.  Turns out that's irrelevant if the other party involved doesn't give a E36 M3 about the marriage.

Now I believe in a "5 year lease with an option to renew".  It keeps people honest and involved.

If someone is so complacent (see the above comments about house guests) that they walk all over you and take your efforts to solve their problems (tax debts for instance) they do not respect you.  And lack of respect is a killer to a healthy relationship.

hobiercr said:

Just a quick update on the OP issue. Locksmith came and cut a new key for the car and with a jump box, it fired right up! Sounded fine. When the rain stops I'll throw a trickle charger on it to hopefully bring the battery back up!

Sounds like you are a good best friend.  

Stuff happens.  I borrowed my friend's truck one time.   Drove about 10 miles in traffic and the thing threw a rod. 

No kidding and no real warning except for the 5 seconds while the engine was beating itself to death as I was pulling over to the roadside.  I don't think I ever went over 40 mph.      

I got it towed back to his house and helped him put in another engine over a few weekends, gave him rides as needed,  but I didn't feel any particular obligation to pay him for his blown engine. 

In reply to Jumper K Balls (Trent) :

Dude, you won’t be the reason he is homeless, he will.  

In reply to Justjim75 :

Either way you go just remember your son will learn from his environment and make his own decisions. 

One thing I didn't want my son to see was a father resenting his mother while growing up. It wouldn't of been fair for him or me to live in a family when one parent is unhappy or broken. It's hard to forgive so easily especially in a few 4 years, your child will sense everything. They're receptive like that. 

I think it's important that a child sees their parents in a healthy relationship together OR  healthy and happy apart. 

Anyway make the best choice for yourself then your child. If you can't take care of yourself and your own feelings then you probably won't be able to take care of anyone else's. 

This thread makes be glad I don’t have any current best friends.  Mine were all from high school and college and haven’t seen them in 30 years.  Plenty of friends and acquaintances, just no besties.

KyAllroad (Jeremy) said:

I believed in the "till death" part of my vows as well.  Turns out that's irrelevant if the other party involved doesn't give a E36 M3 about the marriage.

Now I believe in a "5 year lease with an option to renew".  It keeps people honest and involved.

If someone is so complacent (see the above comments about house guests) that they walk all over you and take your efforts to solve their problems (tax debts for instance) they do not respect you.  And lack of respect is a killer to a healthy relationship.

This bears repeating. 

I felt the same way, four years ago, and got out of an unhealthy 14 year marriage, from someone who didn't give a E36 M3 about the relationship.

She was another one that took advantage of my generosity - gave her everything she wanted, but it was never enough.

In reply to ShawnG :

There is a big difference between friends and acquaintances. You clearly know the difference. 

To quote George Washington, “It is better to be alone than to be in bad company”.