Consider adopting your step kids

I know. That's crazy. And there is certainly no 1 size fits all solution. 
 

Many second marriages don't survive, and adoption would make things much worse. I'm glad my step parents didn't try to adopt me. 
 

Having said that, I wish my wife's stepmother HAD adopted her.

My wife's mother died when she was a young child. Her father remarried, and the only mother she and her sister remember is her stepmom. She raised them as her own, and was a really good mom. 
 

Now she's 90, and in the hospital with a traumatic brain injury. It's not likely she will live much longer.  But step kids have no legal relation with their step parents. My wife can't see her mother, can't participate in medical decisions, can't receive medical updates, can't inherit anything.  HIPAA laws prevent the medical staff from communicating anything with her.  Her mother has no children of her own, no natural heirs. A nephew was named as her power of attorney, and now some decisions are not going well, and the daughters are not allowed to participate. It's time for hospice, but the nephew is afraid of facing reality, and is doing everything he can to prolong her life (imagining that she will return home and continue having a good quality life for a very long time).

It's really sad.  All the daughters want is to be there for their mom, and help make decisions that will make her comfortable and peaceful. 
 

Obviously, adoption is not the answer for most people. But consider it. It's right for some people. 

In reply to SVreX (Forum Supporter) :

Dang Paul, that blows. tots and pears for you and your wife through this.

In reply to SVreX (Forum Supporter) :

Sorry about the situation. Sometimes good people are prevented from doing good things for those they love.  I wish it weren't so. 

So sorry, Paul. 

Thanks for the well-wishes. 
 

I really didn't start this thread for support. We are doing ok (even though it sucks). 
 

But I am in the middle of it, so I am acutely aware of how much better this would be if the daughters had any legal authority at all. 
 

Sometimes the "your kids/ my kids" plan doesn't work. 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

Having said that, I wish my wife's stepmother HAD adopted her.

I'm sorry for the situation you and she are in, that sucks. :(

I'm not an attorney, but I think another option for solving this specific problem would be a medical power of attorney and other related documents.  Estate attorneys set that kind of thing up all the time along with wills, advance medical directives, etc.  At least for the ones we did it was just documents, no court action required.

Wow, Paul.  Its been a rough road lately for you and family in the parental care dept.  Best wishes.  

I do wonder, from a hospital visit and hiipa stand point, other than self incriminating by saying you are not her birth daughter, what check is there or proof that she is not daughter?  My guess is the hospital desk is not checking birth certificates, are they?  

Sorry about the situation. Sounds rough. Broken/mixed families are tough, it's the story of my life. 
Sounds like your MIL is a great person. Good vibes inbound. 

Sorry to hear that. I'm a stepfather to 2 girls(9 and 13, and have had smaller issues not being a legal guardian. Their father in pretty much non existent in their life's, but absolutely refuses to give up his rights. I hate it, I'm not legally allowed to talk with school personal  regarding anything related to them.

codrus (Forum Supporter) said:

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

Having said that, I wish my wife's stepmother HAD adopted her.

I'm sorry for the situation you and she are in, that sucks. :(

I'm not an attorney, but I think another option for solving this specific problem would be a medical power of attorney and other related documents.  Estate attorneys set that kind of thing up all the time along with wills, advance medical directives, etc.  At least for the ones we did it was just documents, no court action required.

 

 

Yeah, but that doesn't work either sometimes. In my mother in law's case, the nephew is the medical power of attorney. (Because he lived close, seemed responsible, and was convenient). In COVID times, that makes him god. Hospitals are limiting access, and only want 1 family contact. The nephew seemed like a smart idea, until the time actually came. 
 

There is only 1 legal answer in this case. Step kids are not family. Legal documents name the nephew. 

John Welsh said:

Wow, Paul.  Its been a rough road lately for you and family in the parental care dept.  Best wishes.  

I do wonder, from a hospital visit and hiipa stand point, other than self incriminating by saying you are not her birth daughter, what check is there or proof that she is not daughter?  My guess is the hospital desk is not checking birth certificates, are they?  

COVID. Hospital only permits 1 family member as contact. That's the nephew. All info is filtered through him (as he sees fit). 

When the legal paperwork was drawn up, there was no HIPAA, and there was no COVID.

That's probably true for a great many of us. 
 

Times have changed.  Get your stuff in order. 

Just realized my typo in the thread title. Of course, "kids" should say "step kids". 
 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said: 

There is only 1 legal answer in this case. Step kids are not family. Legal documents name the nephew. 

Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that it would help in your case.  More just that for the general advice to other folks on GRM it's an alternative to adopting step kids that is probably worth discussing with an attorney.

In reply to codrus (Forum Supporter) :

You're right. Every bit helps. 
 

That does sound like a poo situation.  But legal documents set up ahead of time can still have be effective. My aunt has adult children (all at least 5 years older than I am), but for whatever reason did not trust them to make financial decisions for her if she became incapable - which happened when she had a stroke in 2019. Some time ago in legal documents, she made my mother her POA. I'm sure this irks my cousins to some extent and my mother has done her best to address whatever concerns they have, but in the end the decisions are hers to make. 

Sorry you're going through this Paul, and Mrs. SVreX. 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

Just realized my typo in the thread title. Of course, "kids" should say "step kids". 
 

I was very confused by this, and wondering if it was a "Date your wife" type of deal that I hadn't considered - otherwise I was wondering WTH you knew that others didn't that made adoption an "easy" path to parenthood; "easy" meaning you didn't need to devote hundreds if not thousands of hours towards the process, not to mention the cost. 

As for the issue at hand... I need to check in with my parents and make sure that nothing has changed. Last I heard, about 1-2 years ago, I was the financial POA, my older brother medical, and my younger brother the first backup to both of us for my parents; they reminded us of it at the beginning of Covid so I assume we're still good (and we're on good enough speaking terms that my little brother is making my older brother and I figure out who his (younger brother) best man is). But I really need to make sure that my wife's parents have the POA situations set up. 

That sucks man. I do not know what to type but I wish you the best.

On a brighter note my mother did adopt my step father's kids. He was a widower and the kids were young. I cannot say what her reasoning for it was but it made all of us happy. I call them my paper half siblings only to differentiated them from my blood half siblings but they are all my brothers and sisters.

I am very much an advocate of the adoption of step kids.

In reply to preach (fs) :

That's great. Thanks for sharing!

Today, the nephew authorized a surgery to install a PEG  tube WITHOUT any input from the daughters.  (A feeding tube that goes directly into her belly).  Now she CAN'T leave the hospital. 
 

Great. We should be calling hospice, but nephew is too afraid of the inevitable to make the call, so he is prolonging her life (and running up her medical bills) by authorizing surgeries when all she wants is to die peacefully at home. 
 

berkeley.

Ok... maybe that was a "Woe is me moment".   Sorry. 

Side note...

If you are ever in the position, DON'T be scared of hospice. They are professionals. They do this all the time. They are skilled and competent, and should be trusted.  Let them HELP!!  Don't delay!!

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

Side note...

If you are ever in the position, DON'T be scared of hospice. They are professionals. They do this all the time. They are skilled and competent, and should be trusted.  Let them HELP!!  Don't delay!!

Hospice is a wonderful thing. Hospice care is, IMHO, often misunderstood and misused in this country. It is often used in the last days, sometimes weeks, of a persons life. It should be months. It makes it easier on everyone involved. 

This statement obviously does not take cost into consideration. 

We're starting the paperwork for me to be named legal guardian of the 13 year old the Monday after the wedding. We were going to do it anyway, but developments over the last few months are really pushing the idea.

I hadn't even considered the medical aspect though, that could be very important with Dana's lifelong health problems and my family history/lack of medical care.

In reply to mtn (Forum Supporter) :

People see hospice as a death sentence. It's not. 
 

I can't speak for all situations, but when my father passed away this passed year, ALL hospice care was paid for by Medicare. There was no cost to us. 
 

Hospice did their job magnificently. Including caring for ME (and my family). They freed me to do the part that was MY job... to be a good son.