Discombobulated by Situation with Friend

Started putting this in the "minor rant" thread, but I realized this has left me more off kilter than that.

Had a weird and frustrating situation with a friend yesterday. Feeling a bit like maybe a bad friend balanced against a lot of, "Dude. WTF?!?"

TL;DR - Skipped a friend's "Going Away" party who seems to be moving back to Africa and pretty sure leaving 2 kids behind in the U.S. after waiting an hour in front of a stranger's house and having him not show up, only to have him text us over 2-hours after the party was supposed to start.

Decent friend, but not terribly close. Used to be my nextdoor neighbor. He moved to a different neighborhood to get his son into a particular school. Since then, we've gotten together a handful of times but obviously don't see each other and interact on the regular. Didn't see each other all of covid.

On Friday, he texts me inviting me (no mention of my wife) to his Going Away Party. Um... what? He's going "back home", to Benin. (He'd moved here; got married; had 2 kids; became a U.S. Citizen.) No mention of *why*. No mention of his wife or kids. The party invitation only mentions *him* going away. So... right away, I'm confused.

Party was yesterday. Wife and I arrive a bit after 3pm, when the invitation says the party starts. Get to the house and see NO signs of a party there. There is one car in the driveway, and no others in front of the house. We do not know the guy and feel a bit weird about inviting ourselves as the only guests into a stranger's home (also I forgot my mask, although I'm vaccinated).

Call my friend to see what's going on, if maybe the address is wrong or something. He's apparently at his mother's (or someone's) house still prepping food for the party. Says he'll be there in about 35 minutes. Says we should invite ourselves into his friend's house because he told him that there'd be some people coming over he doesn't know. Wife and I decide to wait in the car instead of inviting ourselves into a stranger's house as the only guests.

We wait about 50 minutes. No one else shows up. It's now 4pm, an hour after the party was supposed to start. We decide to go home. We both need a drink, and some food.

A bit after 5pm my friend texts us saying they're at the house now. We're a couple drinks in and are heating up dinner in the oven. Wife has no plans to go, but is fine if I want to. I decide not to go, and we stay in and watch a movie. After the movie, I see he texted me at 6:30, asking if I would be coming, it would be nice to see me. I texted back asking how much longer he would be in town.

This situation bothers me, and I'm trying to work it out. I'm not angry at him for being 2 hours late. Cultural differences about time, so I don't consider that being really disrespectful. Being told "35 minutes" and having it be 2 hours later is a bit frustrating.

The biggest thing that's bothering me is, "Dude, wtf about your KIDS?!?" I've got no details, but it sure sounds like he's going to Africa and leaving his kids here. After that, I am bothered about being put in a position where he expected us to invite ourselves into a stranger's house as the only guests. If a party had gotten started, and we didn't know anyone, and he was 2 hours late because Africaine time, I could get that. The idea of sitting in a stranger's living room for 2 hours bothers me. Plus the general weirdness of a party with strangers while Covid is still a thing, even if we've been vaccinated.

So, I feel a bit like a bad friend. But also feel like he put me in that position. I did what was asked of me and showed up to be supportive, and he wasn't there.

At this point, I think I'm going to offer to get together and have a beer or something some afternoon before he leaves. Just hang out 1-on-1 for an hour since I skipped the party.

I'm weighing if we should reach out to his wife and ask *her* wtf is going on. Pretty sure there must be some sort of split, because she's white American, and I would have expected her to have gone ahead and showed up on time to play host.

Pretty clear you are not the one being a "bad friend". 
 

Your actions were completely on track. 
 

Offer the beer, and move on. 

If you are friends with the wife, you may ask her if there is any way you can help or give her support. But don't ask "WTF?"  It's not really any of your business unless she volunteers it. 

People are strange. Reminds me of a friend of mine, also from Africa (Liberia). He also had US Citizenship. He told everyone (where we both worked) that he was making an extended trip "back home" to spread his mother's ashes and to get family affairs in order - then told me privately he would not be returning. Surely coincidental but that's an odd situation your friend placed you in. I definitely would have done the same as you did at the "party" and felt conflicted as well. 

A long time ago I had a friend who left his family and moved across the country for a younger woman. 7 kids. Left them all. 
 

I had lunch with him the day he left. I told him I had no idea he was struggling, and even that he had been one of my role models as a father. I told him I felt like a bad friend not having reached out to him earlier.   He said, "Use it as a learning opportunity. Maybe next time you'll do better". 
 

WTF??  The bastard walked out on his 7 kids and abandoned them and his wife just so he could get his Willy wet, and now he's dumping a guilt trip on me???

He was my best friend. I never saw him again. That was 25 years ago. Don't miss him a bit. 

BTW... we are still friends with the wife. 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

If you are friends with the wife, you may ask her if there is any way you can help or give her support. But don't ask "WTF?"  It's not really any of your business unless she volunteers it. 

Obviously wouldn't put it like that. But that's certainly what is going on in my head that I'm trying to figure out.

My wife is a bit closer with her than I am. But the two of them are definitely on the more introverted side. Not sure what we could really offer her besides kind words.

He's apparently in town for another 2 weeks, and I'm going to try to coordinate something with him.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Why do you need to know details? You plan on convincing him to stay?

In reply to Beer Baron :

Early on you wrote:

Decent friend, but not terribly close.

Yeah, sorry to say, you two are not as close as you may have thought. You're not the bad friend.  Obviously, he has no qualms with burning more than one bridge.  

You think he's leaving soon...he's already gone! 

A disregard for other people's time is a pet peeve of mine.   Waste my time like that and you'd better have a good explanation.

I'd offer the beer just to hear what is going on but that's all the mental energy I'd give this guy.

I don't consider this necessarily a disrespect of my time. Different cultures can have very different senses of time and what is appropriate. That's fine. Putting me in a position where I would have to impose on a stranger bothers me more.

I think the big thing of wanting to know the situation is more of wanting to know if it's worth trying to maybe maintain a connection with this guy. Is he abandoning his kids to run away to someplace a bit more comfortable? Then I've got better people to put energy into, and maybe we think of something to reach out and offer the wife. If he's going to take care of some family business for a while, or is going on ahead to get things ready for the wife and kids to move in a couple months or something? I can respect that, and maybe it's an opportunity to keep in touch and plan to visit that region on vacation next year.

I'm not going to bend over backwards to set up a meetup. Sort of on him to put in the bulk of the effort.

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

A long time ago I had a friend who left his family and moved across the country for a younger woman. 7 kids. Left them all. 
 

I had lunch with him the day he left. I told him I had no idea he was struggling, and even that he had been one of my role models as a father. I told him I felt like a bad friend not having reached out to him earlier.   He said, "Use it as a learning opportunity. Maybe next time you'll do better". 
 

WTF??  The bastard walked out on his 7 kids and abandoned them and his wife just so he could get his Willy wet, and now he's dumping a guilt trip on me???

He was my best friend. I never saw him again. That was 25 years ago. Don't miss him a bit. 

I may have sneaked out and stuck him with the tab.  

In reply to Beer Baron :

I appreciate your perspective on time. You're right... different cultures have very different perspectives on that.  (And very few Americans understand it or are tolerant of it)
 

You said you weren't close. I really wouldn't sweat it. Offer the beer... no more. 

spitfirebill said:

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

A long time ago I had a friend who left his family and moved across the country for a younger woman. 7 kids. Left them all. 
 

I had lunch with him the day he left. I told him I had no idea he was struggling, and even that he had been one of my role models as a father. I told him I felt like a bad friend not having reached out to him earlier.   He said, "Use it as a learning opportunity. Maybe next time you'll do better". 
 

WTF??  The bastard walked out on his 7 kids and abandoned them and his wife just so he could get his Willy wet, and now he's dumping a guilt trip on me???

He was my best friend. I never saw him again. That was 25 years ago. Don't miss him a bit. 

I may have sneaked out and stuck him with the tab.  

You're right, except I wasn't that clear thinking in the moment. Like Beer Baron, I was concerned for my friend. And my first reaction was, "Yeah, I guess you're right. I could have been a better friend"

It took me a long time before I realized he was abandoning me too, and didn't deserve a shred of respect.

I miss the friend I thought I had, but don't miss the jerk he actually was. 

"Cultural differences" don't excuse bad manners, I don't care where you're from.  It doesn't sound like you were very close to start and why invite you all of a sudden for a (1 on 1?) going away party when you have big lapses of contact?

Be polite but don't go out of your way again.  Be supportive if his wife reaches out but it's really none of our business; maybe she welcomes his exit.

Best of luck but have sleepless nights, stress and concerns over more important stuff.

In reply to 914Driver :

I agree with your sentiment, but I don't agree with your comment about cultural differences not being an excuse for bad manners. 
 

Manners are ENTIRELY cultural. There are tons and tons of things that are an insult in one culture, but a sign of respect in others. That is exactly the nature of what cultural differences are. 
 

When I lived in Latin America, every time I scheduled anything with anyone they would ask, "Is that Gringo time or Tico time?"  They had no idea what I was looking for when I named a time. They didn't even have watches.  To them, showing up at 5:00 for a 5:00 party was really disrespectful- it meant you were gonna walk in on the hostess before she had time to prepare. 5:00 simply meant sometime after the workday, but certainly not before 7:00 or so. 

I mostly agree, but having spent enough time in American culture to get married and have kids, he should have noticed.  

In reply to 914Driver :

That is what people with muti-cultural experience would call an "ethno-centric" comment. 
 

You are basically saying "If you are gonna live in the US, you should learn to act like us". It truly doesn't work like that. 
 

I've lived in the South for more than 30 years. I still feel a little insulted when someone calls me "Sir". I understand it is how they show respect in their culture, but it was disrespectful where I was raised. 
 

You just can't ever get that stuff out of your system sometimes. 

I dont buy the African Time thing.

I have lived in Puerto Rico and I have lived in Nigeria. When in those lands I did the adjusting to the "Way things are" as respect for the culture and it is my duty to adjust to the culture. Nothing really happened on a fixed schedule but they did eventually happen.

You live in North America you should adjust to being where you said you would be out of the same cultural respect. I have a pretty good idea of why he is going home.

Have a beer with him at some place where you don't mind having a beer alone and wish him well while discussing the subject of what makes us happy in this life. He  and his family will soon be out of your life and there is no need for you to carry any baggage because of them.

NOHOME said:

 I have a pretty good idea of why he is going home.

How would you know that?

Beer Baron doesn't know it, and he's his friend. 

In reply to SVreX (Forum Supporter) :

Because I have been an expat for most of my life.  My guess is he was here for the same reason I  was in Africa; to make $$$.  Most likely left for the same reason; ain't noway I would ever fit seamlessly into the society and it is exhausting to live that way.

That is giving him the benefit of the doubt.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

914Driver said:

"Cultural differences" don't excuse bad manners, I don't care where you're from.  It doesn't sound like you were very close to start and why invite you all of a sudden for a (1 on 1?) going away party when you have big lapses of contact?

The biggest lapse of contact has been Covid. During this time, we've texted each other pretty regularly, and he's invited us over a couple times. I turned down those visits because Covid. But now we're vaccinated.

He's put a notable level of effort in for someone who has kids.

By "not that close", he's not in my tightest and most central circle(s) of friends - the friends/partners from the brewery and my tabletop gaming circle.

In reply to NOHOME :

The impression I got is that it was for love. He met his American wife in Benin. I'm not certain if they married before, after, or contiguous with his immigration.

Columbus has a pretty diverse community with a lot of African expats. I know there is a solid community of other folks from Benin, Nigeria, and other locals near there that he is connected with. His mother lives here. He got his kid into a French language public school.

I'm further confused because the last texts I'd gotten from him weren't that old, and he was sharing information his wife had about vaccination locations because she works in healthcare.

As for adapting to cultural norms - this was an informal party and the majority of people there were certainly going to be African (possibly us two being the token whiteys). I expected things to be slow starting and most people to be running late. I just expected that he would have been there as host by the start time, probably still getting things set up. I actually planned this with showing up right when the invite said the party would start with the expectation that we'd get some time with fewer people around to chat with him and would be able to duck out quietly as things started to get busy.

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to 914Driver :

That is what people with muti-cultural experience would call an "ethno-centric" comment. 
 

You are basically saying "If you are gonna live in the US, you should learn to act like us". It truly doesn't work like that. 
 

Odd, 2 posts above you have an anecdote about living in Latin America and how you were supposed to adjust to 5:00 meaning 7:00.  So you needing to adjust to them is "expected" but asking the other way is offensive?

You basically said "if you're going to live in X, you need to act like the locals." I guess it does work like that

In reply to Steve_Jones :

Instead of sniping at each other, I'd rather we keep to this situation at hand.

Yes, adapting to the local culture is generally important. This party would have been predominantly Africans, and so I would have expected it to operate under African cultural norms. I would have liked and appreciated if he'd commented when inviting us a small translation of those, knowing we're whiteys - like, "But things won't really be getting started until..."

I am not offended by the time thing.