Eight years of failure (not a flounder)

The week after Thanksgiving 2006, my last girlfriend at college and I broke up. I was graduating and moving back home, thinking that my prospects were good both romantically and economically.

I was half right. I found work in my field at an awesome company and quickly proved that I knew what I was doing, left on a full ride for graduate school, got my Master's degree, then got hired by an automaker. I play with future cars all day.

On the other hand, I haven't had a second date since undergrad. It's like I played through high school with the "athlete" and "quick witted loudmouth" cheat codes turned on, found they still did something useful in college, then they came out with a new version of the game where they didn't work at all. The whole time, I've been in shape, been active in my hobbies, been looking - and have not been able to get through anyone's defenses. Sometimes I just get no interest, sometimes she's already got someone, sometimes either cowardice or an inept line of questioning foils me. I hit rock bottom this year when I want home from running in an industry-specific adult track meet without even a phone number.

Am I too aggressive? Is asking someone out dancing at the second or third Ultimate Frisbee game we've both played at too fast? I'm not taking total shots in the dark here, I only try a move after a good conversation about another mutual interest or two and I've gotten her laughing.

Is everyone in my age group dependent on alcohol and bad lighting to overcome their inhibitions? I can't drink (it wreaks havoc with my digestive system).

Did I just run up against changing tastes, and everyone wants "the big country guy with the big truck" and the 5'8" distance runner gets left out in the cold?

What should I try next?

Are you open for a relationship.... or you just looking for a "squeeze"??? Finding a perso, who is also a lover, who is also your friend isn't easy.... and may take the kind of effort you put into your work.....

Other things to look into... pheremone parties...

Church?
Eventually about 1/3 of those girls will get divorced and you'll be a hot commodity.

I feel your pain man. As cliche as it sounds, I met my wife while I wasn't looking (met her at work).

I had a bad breakup with the girl before my wife, had worse luck dating again, so I got a dog and a "more than half beat" RX-7. The dog kept me company, the RX-7 kept me busy. I found that I rather enjoyed living by myself. Then: Married (before I could say omgwtfbbq!)

I guess what I've got is: Maybe make an extra effort to be out and doing things you like (volunteer at tracks as a safety marshal, homeless shelters over the holidays, or whatever your interests may be) and I wouldn't worry about coming on too strong, some girls like that (and some don't).

Does our age group depend too much on alcohol and bad lighting? You friggin bet they do, but relying on those is a short term gain, long term loss.

As far as the "Pop-Country" culture that's taken over: Had my run ins with it too. Bummer, but if that's what they're in to, then I'd rather be single (kind of like the times I've come in second place to a "one-upper". If she's the type to buy that game, I'd rather not be bothered.)

AAAAAND now for the really corny part: I seriously bet there is someone (or a group of someones) who think you're a hot ticket. We guys suck at picking up hints. Of course it's after we're married that our wives say "you know, everyone in the office had SUCH a crush on you..."

Good luck man. Give em hell

If you want to meet a REALLY good looking woman just walk down an empty aisle at the grocery store and fart.

chaparral wrote: What should I try next?

You knew this was coming, right?

oldeskewltoy wrote: Are you open for a relationship.... or you just looking for a "squeeze"??? Finding a perso, who is also a lover, who is also your friend isn't easy.... and may take the kind of effort you put into your work..... Other things to look into... pheremone parties...

Relationship - and I'm not sure how to work particularly hard at finding someone without "knowing more about her than she's told me"

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

chaparral wrote: What should I try next?

You knew this was coming, right?

My old boss said that you should "be in court and casualty each once a year," but I'm sure that he wasn't talking about court cases that end "by the neck, until you are dead"

chaparral wrote:

oldeskewltoy wrote: Are you open for a relationship.... or you just looking for a "squeeze"??? Finding a perso, who is also a lover, who is also your friend isn't easy.... and may take the kind of effort you put into your work..... Other things to look into... pheremone parties...

Relationship - and I'm not sure how to work particularly hard at finding someone without "knowing more about her than she's told me"

Question???? if you took that attitude in school and your occupation over the last 8 years would you be where you are today???

As to how to do it.... There as MORE books/articles/blogs/etc on "How" with our social/sex lives, then there are on cars.... Hate to say it... but there is work involved....

OR... try a pheromone party

chaparral wrote: Am I too aggressive?

Possibly.

But there are different relationships for different types of people, and that changes based on who is dating who. It also changes who you are going to meet and how you will meet them.

Myself, for instance, I've only ever been in two long term relationships. 17-20 with one girl, broke up, and then I didn't date anyone for 5 years. Did I want too? Sure did! But I never met anyone that seemed worth it. I have zero interest in sex first, relationship later (why would I want to be intimate with someone I don't care about is beyond me, but that's another discussion), so take this info for what it is worth.

I do know this much; 75% of ALL relationships are through family or friends. This is really hard as a male if you don't have a lot of friends who are girls, or if your immediate family doesn't have anybody to set you up with. The other 25% are probably event driven; I seriously doubt that many people that meet at a bar make a serious relationship out of it % wise. I also don't think the % is great for dating sites, mainly because of the type of people they can attract (I'd rather go on dates based on people I met on a website than in a bar though).

Surprise! My current girlfriend is the best friend of one of my only "girl"friends, who I had known for 4 years prior to meeting said current girlfriend. Hell, I knew my current girlfriend 2 years before I started dating her.

Women have different needs in relationships and what their idea is of who they want to date. In any solid relationship, I can honestly say I've never met a woman who dated a guy strictly because he was good looking. In fact, it seems pretty far down on their list. For myself personally, both times it appears my stunning attitude made them realize they wanted to date a guy like me (yuk yuk yuk) and thought I was pretty fun to be around.

Sooo... what does it all mean?

Go out, be yourself. Do things. Maybe try and establish a bit more of a connection before going for the "date" idea. Maybe get "her" (whoever she ends up being) to hang out with not just you but one or two other people before hitting her with the date idea? If you have any "girl"friends, they should have no problem setting you up with their friends... or why the hell would they be your friend but you would not good enough to date theirs!

trust me man.. I feel your pain. I dated well in HS.. barely any in college, and nothing since. Every relationship I had ended with my heart getting ripped out and stomped on in front of me.. so I quit. I am much happier single at 44 than I was looking for a date at 22

The only things that ever worked for me were lowering my standards, accepting a reduced number of limbs and getting them drunk early. Just kidding. You could stop looking because that is when it always seems to happen. When you are not "on the prowl" you are relaxed, you are yourself, and that puts people at ease.

+1 for Church if you're willing to. I met my wife at Church. We hit it off and got married pretty quickly. The difference between my wife and other girls I dated outside of the Church was the difference in our personal beliefs. I met a few girls in Texas that I instsntly clicked with, but when it came down to our personal/political/religious beliefs, we were always polar opposites. That may work for some , but not I.

Long and short: look for someone who shares similar beliefs and interests. Wherever that may be.

My story is a virtual clone of bills. E36 M3 breakup. Ass out.in the cold. Said berkeley it, got a car, buried myself in it. Trolled singles sites.foe laughs. Saw a girl, seemed.interesting. celebrated 6 years on Halloween, our kid is 3. She is absolutely not my type. But she complements me very well, and we work together. Bottom line, relax. Chicks will show up.when you least respect it.

The trick to getting into a relationship is finally being satisfied that you are not in one.

True story: I met Mrs. Javelin via a Classified ad in the free paper in the college town we were in. She was selling a Thunderbird Turbo Coupe and I tried to buy it. It needed a water pump (reason she was selling), so I put one in for her for the price of parts. 10 years later we're still together. Life is funny, you'll find someone.

I did the online dating thing. Match.com. Very efficient. We just celebrated our 10th.

pinchvalve wrote: You could stop looking because that is when it always seems to happen. When you are not "on the prowl" you are relaxed, you are yourself, and that puts people at ease.

This. I met SWMBO literally a week after telling my roommate at the time how I'm totally done and over dating for a while. Then, bam. 5 1/2 years together and we are getting married in just over 3 months.

I know it sucks now but any chick who would go after some psuedo country asshat isn't worth getting upset over. It'll happen eventually dude.

Another happy match.com winner here. I joined because as an over the road truck driver, my opportunities to meet quality people is incredibly limited.

You get what you put into it though, Its not the magic wand some people want it to be.

Wasn't this covered a little while back.

Charlie Manson is getting married.

There really, truly, is someone out there for everyone.

If being a successful adult and last being in a relationship about the same time a woman showed any interest in me is "8 years of failure," then just hold on a sec while I get out the...

Tell me when to stop, Hugh Hefner. It could be a lot worse. Not getting a number after going out once is rock bottom? Really?

No right answer here. Everyone meets people in different ways, relationships start in countless different situations. I've been with my wife for 17 years, married for 15 of those, so I'm long out of the dating scene. I'd be lying if I could give you good modern advice, except to say don't get down on yourself. It'll happen, whether it's tomorrow or next year. Nothing wrong with trying Match or one of those other dating sites, nothing to lose. Hell, I met my wife through what was kind of a joke. I was in a boring job at the time and my coworker used to grab the local city paper and read through the personal ads and bust my stones about things she'd see in the ads. She kept telling me that if I didn't put an ad in the paper, she'd make it up and put it in for me. So I put the ad in, and my wife was the first one to respond to it. Rest is history...

chaparral wrote: everyone wants "the big country guy with the big truck"

Thats my method.

Makes me glad to be one of the guys who struggled to get women to notice me in high school (although I have since learned that I was more noticed than I realized), and was still unsure my first two years of college. Now I have a personality and skills that women seem to really like. Confidence, competence, and self reliance. Social dancing has been great.

Of course, nothing seems to attract women faster than being in a satisfying, stable, long term, monogamous relationship.

I've been divorced for nearly six years now, I've had two 'sort of' relationships that were honestly doomed from the start. My online dating didn't go very well, it's probably as much my fault as theirs. Maybe it's the age group I specified (not interested in a May-October matchup) but after numerous responses which basically were inquiries about my finances I finally just said the hell with it and yanked my profile.

I had to be honest with myself, with all the crap happening in my life I'm just not interested in dating relationships etc at all. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well that's life.