Elder parent plans

I know it's probably been discussed here before so plz save the reminders. Looking for fresh discussion and advice.

What kind of plans has anybody here made for their elderly parents when they quit driving?

Dad will turn 88 this month, still drives very well, recent cataract surgery, some vision loss at night but he restricts himself to daylight driving only. Physically fit and very active for his age, still rototills and maintains his own garden, up to a cpl yrs ago he cut MY grass... push mower, tractor and trimming just for the exercise.

Mom is 82, doesn't drive, has osteoporosis, had a second mini-stroke in January but is sharp now except that she needs a walker. She did OK w/ PT after the hospital stay but has since slacked off. I've tried to get her to walk at the mall to get her strength back and hopefully ditch the walker but all attempts so far have failed.

They live 5 miles out of town and one or both need to come in town 3-4 times per week for docs, labs, scripts, groceries etc. We had 'the talk' about driving, he knows his limits and is ready to park it when the time comes. I monitor his driving regularly and see no decline in reflexes or ability.

Now my issue: I can't get them to discuss what will happen after he quits driving, their answer: we'll be OK, don't worry. I'm the only one of my sibs in town and provide when needed, I let them have all the independence they want until called upon. They've relied on my retired cousin for rides before when needed but she has her hands full caring for my 90 y/o aunt, neighbors are pretty much out of the question, public transportation is limited in that area (especially for handicapped patients). I have a flexible schedule right now and provide when necessary but I'm currently looking for work out of town which would severely limit my ability to provide. It's getting to the point of driving me nuts just winging it w/o any kind of future plans.

Anybody dealt w/ this situation?

All advice is highly appreciated.

I'm baffled

I solved that problem by being the sibling that lived out of town. But I figure I'll end up helping to take care of my older sister when she's that age.

I'm in it. When I'm home (not at college), I have nearly no schedule, so I can drop it and do anything whenever. Otherwise my mom sometimes has to take off work. Unfortunately there is no real good option here.

Are there any doctors in the area that do house calls? Groceries can be delivered. Prescriptions can generally be planned far enough ahead to make it easy/convenient for you (or cousin) to pick them up in time.

You--or they--might not want to here this, but chances are that when he reaches the point that he can't drive, they probably should not be living independently. Whether it is a nurse to check in every few days, or assisted living (different than a nursing home), it might be wise to consider this if it is financially possible.

Do they not want to move? My grandparents recently moved from the house that they lived in for about 30 years so that they could downsize and be closer to doctors. There were a lot of memories in the old house, including a shed my grandpa built around an old camper that perpetually smelled like a a woodshop and grass clippings, which I will never forget. Unfortunately, they had to face the reality of maintaining an older house, and traveling Texas time to get into town, so their best option was to move. The family has spread out all over the country, so the extra space of the old house isn't really necessary anymore.

Similar situation with my grandfather now. He and my grandmother had been in a full-service, assisted living center for a while now, but she just passed away and he's planning to move out. He's (almost) 89 and diabetic, but does pretty well for himself. He does not need or want the level of care that place provides. We're thinking an independent living, retirement community is the right sort of place for him. He can take care of most of his needs on his own, but there is a community dining room and trained staff on hand in case of an emergency. I think a setup like that would probably do your parents well.

His driving situation is a bit questionable too. His license will expire on his birthday in a couple months. I think he can pass a drivers test, but that it will take a couple of attempts in order to identify his ingrained habits that they don't like. For example, he has a tendency to shift the car into neutral (even on an automatic) when coasting downhill or coming up to a red light, and he tends to drive with his right wheels on or just past the white line if there is not lane to the right. No real safety issues. I'm less nervous riding with him than plenty of other people I've ridden with. I just think he's going to have trouble getting his license.

That goes back to the previous issue of finding a new place, because he's planning to take a trip around the country visiting friends and family and use that to help him decide where he wants to settle. He wants to do it by car. I'm pretty sure he's going to end up getting stuck in DC with an expired license. His license, and legal address, is in TX. He's been living in CA. I'm trying to convince him to let me store his car for him until he actually gets his license renewed, and decides where he's going to settle.

fasted58 wrote: All advice is highly appreciated.

Take their advice. Don't worry. They'll be OK. Do something if/when the need arises, but don't turn down the job opportunity.

Same situation here except for I'm a lot younger then you people. The woman's father is a total drunk. We are talking fall down break a hip get out of rehab fall down and break the same hip. After 3 hip surgeries last year alone they decided that due to the booze his bones are to brittle to repair so they replaced his whole hip. Here is our problem he has that life alert thing but wont use it cause he doesn't want to bother anyone. She goes over and makes sure he eats every night. I'm just sick of the E36 M3 he is 61 has 3 purple hearts but acts like a berkeleying child. He is retired so he has no where to go and nothing to do. wont drive cause he does not want to be seen using a walker outside of his condo. He lives in one of those stupid ass retirement communities. If we don't get rid of him soon. We are berkeleying moving out of the state. The state wont take him cause he makes too much money around 150k a year. We tried taking away his booze but he hired some place to bring it to him. He has recently started stopping from falling on his hip to stopping himself with he head 36 staples and 23 staples 2 weeks apart.
My parents are normal when they get into their 80's-90's. they can move in with me, but this berkeley cake is property of the state as soon as we can figure out a way. He is just an old bitter shiny happy person who does not appericate E36 M3

MitchellC wrote: Do they not want to move? My grandparents recently moved from the house that they lived in for about 30 years so that they could downsize and be closer to doctors. There were a lot of memories in the old house, including a shed my grandpa built around an old camper that perpetually smelled like a a woodshop and grass clippings, which I will never forget. Unfortunately, they had to face the reality of maintaining an older house, and traveling Texas time to get into town, so their best option was to move. The family has spread out all over the country, so the extra space of the old house isn't really necessary anymore.

No, they won't consider moving although many of their like aged friends and family have moved closer to services or assisted living. To top it all, I own an up/down duplex in the city minutes away from hospital, docs, lab, pharmacy, taxi, bus, markets, church etc. that would be perfect for them moving into the first floor, plus I could arrange a caretaker living upstairs if needed. We've had that discussion multiple times and they're still not interested.

My folks are old school, independent and stubborn until faced w/ harsh reality and then our suggestions suddenly become 'their idea'.

I'm lucky. My family has never locked on to one locality as "the old home place" that should be preserved at all costs, regardless of how far out of town it is. My dad died before he hit 50yrs old, and my mom (at 75) has fibromyalgia & kidney problems..but she's beating them at the moment. No dementia at all. She only drives during daylight, and lives in a condo on the beach with ready access to the town's 911 network. Grocery stores, etc. less than 2/10 mi. from where she lives. Of course, as a member of the immediate "post-war" generation (and the widow of a Federal employee)..she has pensions & benefits that are no longer available to the people getting old in the current climate. Even if you can convince your older relatives that moving might not be such a bad idea..it may not be possible for them to do so.

In reply to xd:

So a Vietnam combat wounded vet probably w/ PTSD. I give these guys a wide berth and respect, nobody knows what they went through in combat and they're unlikely to ever talk about it. I've known a few who were a dysfunctional PITA like yur sayin', but it was the US Gov and VA who laid down on them... back then it wasn't like there was a E36 M3load of psychiatrists waiting to rehabilitate them on their return. Same w/ many WWII and Korean combat vets... they just crawled deep in a bottle. Too bad it's usually the family picking up the pieces that suffer.

My parents were in a similar situation as far as health and living near but not too near to the small town they have lived around since....almost forever.

They finally gave up and moved back into town. The house they found has a smallish yard (my father does some mowing and gardening, my brother the rest) is about a 5 to 10 minute walk to the hospital, and 2 of my sisters are blocks away....1 just under a block.

The "battle" is convincing your folks (if / when they need convincing) to face reality. Even tho my folks were only about 5 miles from town, the traffic situation was horrible and my mother feared an ambulance would not make the short distance in time, when needed. It had gotten to the point that she was also afraid to cross the road to get the mail out of the mailbox, the traffic was so bad (high volume of high speed trucks).

fasted58 wrote: No, they won't consider moving although many of their like aged friends and family have moved closer to services or assisted living. To top it all, I own an up/down duplex in the city minutes away from hospital, docs, lab, pharmacy, taxi, bus, markets, church etc. that would be perfect for them moving into the first floor, plus I could arrange a caretaker living upstairs if needed. We've had that discussion multiple times and they're still not interested. My folks are old school, independent and stubborn until faced w/ harsh reality and then our suggestions suddenly become 'their idea'.

Unfortunately, as parents get older they become the kids and you become the parent. Its not easy. I have friends whose parents resisted going to any kind of a retirement center, but loved it once they got there. If yours aren't even interested in the apartment you have, it really not going to be easy. A man that tills his own garden doesn't want to go down easy. But, the situation can change in a moment.

One thing. Consolidate their trips to town. 3-4 a week is ridiculous.

Mom, widow since 1969, stayed on the farm in her own house till she was 80 or so, then into an apartment in my home town till 92, then assisted living till a couple days ago, now in critical care.

She accepted that her kids knew best when and where she had to move. Your parents probably will accept that when it really becomes neccesary.

integraguy wrote: My parents were in a similar situation as far as health and living near but not too near to the small town they have lived around since....almost forever. They finally gave up and moved back into town. The house they found has a smallish yard (my father does some mowing and gardening, my brother the rest) is about a 5 to 10 minute walk to the hospital, and 2 of my sisters are blocks away....1 just under a block. The "battle" is convincing your folks (if / when they need convincing) to face reality. Even tho my folks were only about 5 miles from town, the traffic situation was horrible and my mother feared an ambulance would not make the short distance in time, when needed. It had gotten to the point that she was also afraid to cross the road to get the mail out of the mailbox, the traffic was so bad (high volume of high speed trucks).

Both my parents grew up right down the road from their present house. Old friends and relatives live close too.They moved in my Moms parents house after my grandparents passed away (Mom wanted it). Dad remodeled it end to end, it's large yet comfy but livable on one floor including laundry and baths when stairs aren't doable. Maybe these are the reasons they want to stay, but they won't say so.

No luck w/ the 'battle' of convincing them yet, even when me n my sibs triple-team them. We've come to the conclusion nothing will happen until it's 'their idea'.

I thankfully do not have to worry about this yet.. mom turned 64 a week ago... but she is busy taking care of my grandmother who is 86

Streetwiseguy wrote: Mom, widow since 1969, stayed on the farm in her own house till she was 80 or so, then into an apartment in my home town till 92, then assisted living till a couple days ago, now in critical care.

Sorry to hear of your Moms condition. Best wishes and prayers for her recovery.

fasted58 wrote: Both my parents grew up right down the road from their present house. Old friends and relatives live close too.They moved in my Moms parents house after my grandparents passed away (Mom wanted it). Dad remodeled it end to end, it's large yet comfy but livable on one floor including laundry and baths when stairs aren't doable. Maybe these are the reasons they want to stay, but they won't say so.

I would say they have already thought about the situation some. And I wouldn't push too much at this time.

We are dealing with my wife's aunt who is 96. She decided this year to quit driving so we are providing transportation. She takes care of her house and herself very well otherwise.

We helped her set up all of her perscriptions to be mail order so there are no trips for that. She usually sets up doctor appontments, etc. for the same day. Example: General Doctor: 9am, Foot Doctor 11am, Lunch, Bank, and then to the Grocery Store.

That way my wife or I can do everything in one day. Sometimes we even split it up. I take her to the doctors than my wife meets us for lunch and does the rest of the stops.

In reply to Hal:

Wow, 96... God bless her

Coordinating trips n mail order scripts sounds like a great idea, thnx

iceracer wrote: One thing. Consolidate their trips to town. 3-4 a week is ridiculous.

Thnx ice, I'll bring up combining trips w/ them and see their docs if necessary to get it done when the time comes. That'll be down the road some, he hasn't been cutting back on driving lately tho. He's been bagging 10K miles/ yr since '07 that I know of, even talked about a new car a few months ago. Kinda reminds me of a teenager looking for an excuse to drive somewhere. Like all the folks here, cars are our freedom.

My grandparents hired a housekeeper type to come in 3 days a week and cook, clean, help with errands, etc. Probably not the cheapest solution, but a damn sight better than selling their house and living full-time in a nursing home or assisted living community. She became a big part of the family there for their last 8-10 years. Initially, she was hired to help Grandma when she started failing, but after grandma passed, she just stayed on to take care of Grandpa, too.

Just a thought- one day or two a week of high-intensity errand running and cooking/cleaning gets a LOT done. It helps the relationship with kids and parents, too- you get to shuffle some of the more unpleasant/monotonous stuff off on a professional who’s paid to deal with it. Same as anything else, get references and check the potential person out, but it’s what worked for my dad’s parents, and it’s what I imagine my siblings and I will do for ours when the time comes.