end of life stuff

I lost my dad three years ago and now mom this past Mon. From the experience I'd like to share with you all a few recommendations:

If you are a parent, go down to your bank and put your kids' names on your accounts at least as beneficiaries. Just do it. Same for your retirement plans and any insurance you have. If you have adult children go in to a funeral home and ask for all the paperwork your kids would need to fill out and either fill it out and hand it to them or make sure all the information is somewhere where they can find it. Also, same thing for bills and debts. And if you are stashing cash away somewhere in your house, tell someone where to look for it.

If you are old enough to be on here and you still have parents, put together a file on them and make sure you have their information somewhere you can find it. Think very seriously about how a $50 DIY will kit plus a couple of hours with a probate lawyer to go over it would be a great gift idea. Also, call your parents and tell them you care at least twice as often as you have been doing it.

And for the love of God, make out a will.

Guess who still doesn't have one?

me sorry for your loss

me 2

Sorry about your mom

Great advice though. My grandpa did that when his wife died--their affairs were all pretty much in order, finances handed over for the most part to their kids and house on the market. When Grandma died, Grandpa went in with my aunt and signed all the paperwork at the funeral home and cemetary so that when he passes, we don't need to do anything.

My dad has at least told my brother and I where all of his financial information is so that we can access it in case anythign happens.

Sorry to hear that, OOG. I am glad I had the opportunity to meet them.

You are spot on about the paperwork. And I will add that it is best to do this stuff SOONER rather than LATER, as when LATER comes along, they tend to slow down to the point of not getting any progress made at all in such matters.

Sorry for your loss.

I need to have a chat with my parents. They're young and in good health, but that doesn't mean anything.

Sorry for your loss.

Others, don't forget about extended nursing care. Skilled nursing care is berkeleying outta sight outta pocket, it'll break their bank. Have that talk w/ the parents whether they want to or not... it matters.

A certified Elder Law attorney can work wonders w/ planning down the road. Parents may say... 'oh, we'll be fine', until a long term illness or stroke happens. BTDT. Our consultation cost was only $300 plus some.

Rewriting wills, POA (new laws as of 1/15), juggling accounts etc., we didn't see it coming w/ my Mom's case.... although I brought this up 10 years ago but they 'were fine'. She's a resident now in a skilled care facility, not coming home again.

Have the talk, get educated. Just berkeleying do it.

Morbid wrote: Sorry for your loss. I need to have a chat with my parents. They're young and in good health, but that doesn't mean anything.

That is BY FAR the best time to do it.

Trust me. Mine are not young nor in good health, and it is terribly difficult.

We see a train wreck coming, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

I can honestly say my ducks are all lined up in a nice row, though I hadn't thought about listing the kids as beneficiaries on the bank accounts. That's probably a good idea.

My parents and grandparents both keep and kept their affairs in order and luckily passed that habit on to this generation.

E36 M3 happens, be prepared for it.

Beneficiaries is 2nd best.

My father has added my name as co-owner of the account.

Beneficiaries only get stuff after the estate is settled. A co-signed or co-owner already owns the account. There is no probate.

Many states call it a TOD- transfer on death. No process- it happens automatically.

the TOD is what Mom and I have … plus the house and land has already been transferred to my name (she with a life estate [I think it's called] … I can't sell without her signature, plus she can't sell either .. but for taxes … etc … I'm the owner

as for ins. I know there was a life ins policy at one time … can't find any record of it anywhere, and Mom has no idea what I'm talking about

as for me … I've known I need to make a will .. for whatever reason I just keep putting it off

In reply to oldopelguy:

Sorry for your loss. My Dad passed on in 2001 and Mom in 2013.

One more very important item to consider is if you have more than one child and you want to make sure that both of them get an equal share of the money make sure that is clearly stated on your will. It's often not and one child had their name on the accts. but not the other child. It can create hard feelings when the child with their name on the accts. keep all the money. I speak from experience. An attorney said that all it takes is one simple sentence to enforce that.

Sorry about your loss, thank you for sharing with us, it's very good advice.

Saw a case of this go poorly in the ER many years back. Gentleman is in the hospital for routine primary care appointment when he has the Fred Sanford "big one". No amount of beating on his chest or any other measures do any good whatsoever. Inform the family and listen to their Lamentations for a respectful amount of time. When approached regarding plans for funeral home, etc..... His entire family develop a serious case of deer-in-the-headlights stares. Quote from one "he made all the decisions, we don't know what to do now". I ask if the subject of his passing had ever come up? Answer: "nope, never."

Dude was 93 years old!!!!

Agree 100% on getting things planned, etc. My mother died 10 years ago. My brother and I didn't have anything to do. She had already sold the house to him for 50% of the appraised value (and gave me the money) years before. She had all of her funeral arrangements made and paid for even to having a dress in her closet marked to be buried in.

Contrast that to my brother who died last Friday. No will. Two children from his first marriage(wife died 5 years ago). Remarried two years ago and moved to new wife's house and allowed youngest daughter move into his house with idea that she would buy it. But that was never done.

I'm glad that I won't have to get involved in that mess!

My Father was diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal cancer a twelve days ago. He's 86 and has decided to just proceed with radiation therapy. The cancer has already spread to his lungs so we're just hoping to spend as much quality time with him as we can. Right now he feels fine except for issues with swallowing solid food. The radiation treatment started last week and should shrink the tumor to make swallowing easier for now. He set everything up years ago. His accounts are all joint and held between me, my sister and him. We know exactly what his wishes are. He doesn't want to end up in the hospital so we've set up end of life 24hr in home palliative care. Luckily our provincial healthcare system pays for the first three months of in home round the clock care. If he needs care for a longer period of time his private insurance, provided in his retirement package, will cover 80% of the cost.

It isn't easy but having everything set up has made it better for all of us.

Lost Dad back in November, still working through everything. Mom is doing well though.

Thoughts on beneficiaries and wills.

When you write it or designate someone, tell them what you want also. Its hard to sort out confusion when you aren't around to do so anymore.

Example: you have three kids. All three are beneficiary on everything except one big retirement account that got screwed up and only one kid is on it. That can start a fight because the one might think it was all for them but the other two think there was a mistake. If you had told all three you meant to split everything in even thirds, then there is no problem (assuming your kids aren't shiny happy people).

On a related note...Just ask your parents some questions while they're still around.

I was trying to do some family history research a few years ago and can't find any accurate info on my grandfather's parents. If I had just asked my late mother where her grandfather was buried, I would have access to all the information that I need.

Woody wrote: On a related note...Just ask your parents some questions while they're still around. I was trying to do some family history research a few years ago and can't find any accurate info on my grandfather's parents. If I had just asked my late mother where her grandfather was buried, I would have access to all the information that I need.

Amen to that. When I was younger, I didn't have much interest in family history. Now everybody is gone except one cousin who may know a little. Nobody knows who my relative was that was at Gettysburg. Or how my great great grandfather died in the Civil War. If he had not left a pregnant wife at home, I would not be here.

Its hard losing a Mom. Mine made 96, and it still hurt.

The co owner of the bank accounts is a very good idea. Dad died in the 60's, Mom 3 years ago. There were 4 accounts, equal, with mine and each siblings names attached, She made it to 96, and really didn't have a whole wad left anyway, but it was a fairly straightforward situation.

A humorous (I think) story from estate planning: 4 kids in my family. My second oldest brother was in a position to buy the farm after Dad died in 69. He felt he'd gotten his chunk, and he did reasonably well over the years, but it was no walk in the park either. When talking with Mom about her estate planning, he said to split it amongst the other three sibs. Mom was quiet, but did things her own way, so she came home from the lawyer with everything set up to split between we 3 sibs, and second oldest brothers wife. We laughed.

I lost my dad three weeks ago. He had tried to make sure all of the investments and finances were set up so they'd mostly run on autopilot, so Mom wouldn't have to do much to manage them. There is still a ton of financial and legal stuff a family has to wade through, even when the deceased has tried to make it easy.

Our younger daughter is now over 18 and there have been some changes in relations with a couple of family members who are mentioned in our wills, so my wife and I are having to redo ours again. It's always a good idea to tweak your will every few years, since your situation can change and/or family members can start acting like shiny happy people.

My father thought it would make things simpler if he put all his money in bank accounts "In Trust For" my sister, the Executor of his estate.

Guess what? My sis decided that since Pop made the accounts ITF her, it was her money, not the estate's. I'll be lucky to get a nickel, if the stupid Probate Court ever does its job. :(

I am very sorry for your loss.

So follow up from the funeral:

Best thing to enclose in a sympathy card: Book of stamps.

Best post funeral family activity: Sorting through a lifetime of photos to pick out ones to scan and share.