Fumbling life away

slefain said:

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

Have you had any traumatic events in the last few years? When I had a drunk Floridaman biker DRT himself across the front of my SUV I became an shiny happy person due to the PTSD. I was only slightly injured physically, but it jacked up my head. You are already in therapy which is great, but don't overlook something that might have been a trigger.

I've been working from home for over a decade now. It takes self discipline, but having the time with my family makes up for whatever corporate ladder B.S. schmoozing I'm missing out on in an office building.

+1 on the shed office. Keep your work space separate. Plus as mentioned it makes you get up and go back in the house for stuff. My daughter lights up and runs to me for a hug whenever I'm just going inside for more coffee. Makes my whole weird career choices worth it.

I hear CBD can be really helpful at taking the edge off. Finding the right dose is key though. Or so I've heard.

- I had a gnarly racing accident. - I've see and contributed to things for a past career that haunt me. - Last year I was in a great relationship, starting planning on proposing (were in concurrence), she went on a work trip for 5 weeks. Stopped communicating halfway through the trip, came home, gave me about 3 days to move out of her house (that I had put so much money and sweat equity in to make a home). We were together for 5 years, barely fought, had a great life, I was in heaven, to say my world was turned upside down would be an understatement. I think its effects are still looming over me. 

Beer Baron 🍺 said:

DirtyBird222 said:

You're right, that is part of my issue. In all of the stuff I'm doing right now (reading, journaling, etc) I've peeled back that part where I've just been inherently looking at all the negative in people and things. I think part of that is human nature and a survival instinct but you know, this book provided some tips on how to pause, reframe those thoughts, and consider alternatives like looking at the positive or neutral in situations. Maybe that person is in a rush to get to their kids ball game, maybe that person is having a bad day and doesn't mean anything by it, maybe this minor speed bump isn't much in the grand scheme of things. 

Not sure how much my situation fits with yours or what but here's what I've found about myself:

I get frustrated with wanting things to be better or to turn out a certain way. I then will hyper-focus on what is wrong. I'll over-analyze. But frequently I won't have any power or ability to sway outcomes. So I get frustrated and keep digging further hoping to find something I can do. My brain thinks that if I understand things better or come up with a better plan, I'll be able to exercise some control. But I can't, so things keep getting worse. (Watching political news during election season has been bad for me.)

I have had to consciously stop myself and ask the question, "Is there actually anything I can do to make this situation better." If there isn't, that gives me permission not to worry about it.

I also try to avoid "venting" about things that frustrate me. It feels good in the moment, but it doesn't actually relieve any frustration for me. All it does is cause me to think more about and dwell on things that frustrate me.

I guess finally pausing to ask myself if it's worth the hassle. Stupid aggressive drivers being asshats in traffic... I could try to block him and teach him a lesson because he can't push me around... or I can just merge right and let him go past me.

Dude I love all of this. Taking notes, thank you. 

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

The flipside of avoiding pouring energy into things that gain me nothing, I also find I do best when I am pouring my energy into something that I am able to see improvement and returns from.

For me, this is best when it is an activity of constant improvement with no fixed end point. In the past this was frequently exercise or physical related: getting better at park skating, rock climbing, lifting weights, etc. Lately, after a bunch of injuries and other physical setbacks, it's learning to play bass guitar.

In all of these cases, they are things where I can set new challenges that are achievable in relatively short periods of time: land a new trick/combo/line, pull down a challenging route, lift a new PR, learn a new song.

I do not do as well when they are big projects with far off completion points: building a race car or writing a novel.

Dirty Bird, you might find this guy helpful I watched a clip and thought he was thought-provoking.

In reply to stroker :

Link doesn't work

Beer Baron 🍺 said:

In reply to stroker :

Link doesn't work

Sorry.  Try it now.

stroker said:

Dirty Bird, you might find this guy helpful I watched a clip and thought he was thought-provoking.

Great listen. From everything I'm reading and watching that guy and my therapist. I've got to start by identifying my self-limiting factors/beliefs. Getting rid of those. Reframing my thoughts and beliefs. Take care of myself mentally and not being so hard on myself. Coming up with a system to succeed first, goals second (I.e. I want to have a race car to go racing with - being on track is the end goal but what system do I have in place to make that happen? If I setup that system to achieve that goal and my goals change, that system is there to make me succeed in anything and everything). I've really started to embrace some of these things. Telling myself I'm able to do this everyday, reframing my negative thoughts, realizing I can only control myself, and accepting the fact that I might not have those people I hurt in my life in the future and just envisioning my life without them (one of those Stoic beliefs). 

I'm still struggling and I know healing isn't linear nor is a quick fix possible but trying to really set a new foundation for me.

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

Glad you found it worthwhile.  You and I are on the same page, to some degree.