Have a favorite Malaphor?

I've often used "It's not rocket surgery" as a joke, but I just learned that expressions like that have a name: malaphor.

A malaphor is a blend of two or more idioms or phrases into a single expression that ends up being nonsensical, confusing, amusing, or surprising.

I'll also be adding "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it" to my vocabulary.

You've already hit my two favorites

I enjoy anything from Biff Tannen

jimbob_racing said:

I enjoy anything from Biff Tannen

One that I've used by accident on numerous occasions is "I can’t make these split-minute decisions," and I feel like that sums me up as a person. 

I use "better than a kick in the head" a lot, but that might be called something else?

"You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it."

Oh! I almost forgot one that I also use frequently that somehow no one seems to catch:

"Kissing hands and shaking babies" (instead of "shaking hands and kissing babies")

"does the Pope crap in the woods?"

I get a lot of unusual expressions in response 

Honorable mention: sometimes you're the bear, and sometimes you're the Charmin.

Not sure why all mine have to do with poop...

Insert some Yogi Berra quotes....

I prefer the younger version. 

Sorry, I'll let myself out. 

There's no need to rewrite the wheel.

Grab the bull by the balls and run with it.

"Does the Pope E36 M3 in his hat?"

Too many cooks are barking up the wrong tree. 
 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach him to fish. 

Cool, I like knowing the name for this. 

Pulled the rug over their eyes. Until the cows turn blue.

It's not a malaphor, but I love saying "irregardless" as a joke. 

Malapropisms are funny too. youth in asia, nipped in the butt.

One of my favorite lines from Back to Future 2 is when future Biff corrects young Biff. It's "make a like a tree and leave, you idiot."

For a number of years, I dealt with the same salesman at a large technical solutions company. He was an interesting individual who often spoke before he thought. He had enough of a reputation that his coworkers began keeping a list of his "isms." That list made it out to some of the longer term customers, myself included. Some of these fit the thread, others are absurd, and some may be off-color. I apologize if that's the case - I'm just copy/pasting the list from an old document.

I don’t want to throw salt in the womb

I need your John Henry on this

You’re suckin pine water

Our breast of experience

He liked what we heard

They have disparaging leases

I know you’ve got your head in the sand

There’s more than one way to slice a cat

Let me give you the Lay of the Land

Not to go off on a tangent here

Let’s roll our arms up and get to work

Like shooting kids in a candy store

Like a red-headed black child

Let’s get down to brass tactics

It’s like giving them the sleeves off our vest

Developing a big deal is like raising children, you have to start when they’re young

It’s like being Tiger Woods’ 3rd girlfriend

Basically telling us how to dress for dinner

We’re not exactly going to slay the bear with that price

We’re out here flying the Predator, and we have no idea what’s on the ground

We could have had a baby in the time it took for this deal to happen

I’ve done that since Moby Dick was a minnow

I knew where that body was buried

I gave them the shine off my shoes

These guys know where the pennies are in the couch

This deal is as dirty as 5 day old underwear

You have to put the suit on and make adjustments as you go

I’m not going to make beds in a burning house

Only one way to choke a chicken

Rubber hits the road

Hook, line and anchor

No time to sell, too busy closing

A rolling snowball gathers no moss

I have to draw a line in the sand

I ain’t no truck stop ho

The whale that swims deep does not get harpooned

Make hay while the sun shines

Drinking the company Kool-Aid

Wrapped around the axle

Net it out

Circle the wagons

Like blowing fish out of a barrel

Blowtorch up my ass

The gauntlet has been raised

To make a long story short

On this issue, you have a mental problem

Between you, me, and the gatepost

Make a short story painfully long

Short term pain, long term gain

You talk too much and don’t listen enough.

I have no patience for incompetence

That’s a major coup in company’s hat

Spread like peanut butter

Nightmare from Hell

One horse pony

I’m coin operated

The sun never shines on company

SV reX said:

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach him to fish. 

Not a malaphor but my dad always says. 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. But you can duct tape a straw in his mouth and kick him into a lake. 

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."

"It's not rocket appliances."

"Let's get two birds stoned at once."

In reply to Motojunky :

I took the time to read your entire list, and while some of them are definitely butchered or just strange, something approaching half of them are just colorful expressions that I have heard used quite frequently. 

ShawnG said:

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."

This is from a joke where a student was asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.

A malapropism is when you accidentally use the wrong word, usually the exact opposite.  It's named after Mrs. Malaprop, a character in (I believe) My Fair Lady.  So it makes sense that's been appropriated into 'malaphor'.

DW used to work with a woman who was full of malaphors.  The one I remember best is:

"Hindsight is 50/50."

When she wanted you to sign a document, she'd ask you to "Put your John Doe on it."

It's not exactly a malaphor, but one of my friends always said "We need to nip that in the butt" instead of 'bud'.

1988RedT2 said:

ShawnG said:

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."

This is from a joke where a student was asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.

Actually, it's a Dorothy Parker quote.  She was really smart and witty.

Just reading the title of the thread, I figured it was some kind of Pokemon thing or something that I know nothing about. 

Duke said:

When she wanted you to sign a document, she'd ask you to "Put your John Doe on it."

 

I worked with a woman that also said this. Sweet lady, but not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer.