How should I handle this? (really long post)

Hey guys,

I usually wouldn't ask this question of you guys, and I usually don't get caught up in things of this nature, but I was driven to the point of flat out anger today.

My sister who is 10 years younger than me calls me today to ask if I would be around this evening so she could talk to me. I said yes but only til around 6ish as I was playing volleyball. Well she comes over,but after I left,and hangs out with my wife and kids. I called her on my way to tell her I was not going to be around as my game time got changed, and we start talking.

The conversation is regarding my brother (the middle child of the family, and I am the oldest). Now mind you we are all adults, but my sister is the youngest at almost 27,and I just turned 37 last month (brother is 34). The story goes that after my family left my brothers house Sunday night for his sons 6th birthday party there was some fireworks from my brother towards my sister. Turns out my sister was showing the birthday boy (my nephew) on his new globe that she got him, where we live in MA, and also where Mickey Mouse lives in FL. In this conversation she shows him on the globe where the FL panhandle is. Immediately my brother starts yelling at her, and swearing at the top of his lungs that FL is not a panhandle state and that if she was to teach him things that they better be berkeleyin right. She is shaken up by this of course,and asks why the hostility. He proceeds to call her an idiot,and a special ed student in school, and basically dresses her down. Not a good scene especially in front of his son, and other kids. The profanity was flying from my brother only. Nobody comes to her defense in this and finally the 6 year old has to tell his father to stop treating auntie like that.

She leaves the situation crying from the verbal beat down, and heads home to mom and dads house. My parents see she is upset and crying, and ask her why. She tells them, and now my father is involved and call my brother. Needless to say that didn't go well, and now everyone is at each others throats except my branch of the family who knows nothing of this until now. My brother never calls my sister to apologize for his behavior even though my parents ask him to repeatedly.

Now to the part that has me steamed even more. While my sister is over my wife asks if she liked her gifts this x-mas and such,and asks if she saw the small gifts we gave my sister-in-law (brother from the previous part of the stories wife) for her birthday. Myself and S-I-L share a b-day so we usually exchange small gifts. Well this year we didn't get together like usual for b-day but we had x-mas at my house a couple of days after the b-day so that x-mas day is less crazy. My sister immediately tells my wife this following story.

Right after the x-mas party at my house my S-I-L had forgotten a few cake pans or bowls at my house, and my mother and sister elect to bring them by to her on their way home. As soon as they get there my S-I-L rolls her eyes and say "can you believe what they got me for my birthday?" A lousy x-mas tree ornament and a calender!! My sister then asks her if she is for real, and says that we didn't even have to buy her anything in the first place. My S-I-L then say well we spent $40 on his B-day/x-mas gift and this is all he gets me for my b-day. Just so you know we have all elected to just draw a name for x-mas and spend no more than $50 on that person. Now we didn't have her name, but she had mine for x-mas.

The gifts I got for her were from my heart as I know she likes ornaments,and I though a nice calender for her new home office that I wired up for her would be nice. Maybe I was wrong, but at least I tried, and didn't just buy a gift card like so many usually do for a tough to buy for person such as her self. Maybe they weren't what she likes, but on what planet is it okay to say something like she did about a gift from a family member ? The gift they got me as a combo gift is great, and I love that they thought of me but truth be told I don't need anyone to get me anything as b-days ceased meaning anything to me 20 years ago. Add to this the fact that they never even acknowledge my wife's birthday with a card, gift, or even a happy birthday wish ever. My wife doesn't care either, but it still hurts when things like this come to the forefront.

Am I out of line to be hurt by this? What should I do about it? Should I confront her about it or just let it stew like I do with lots of other things that happen in the family? Should I get involved with the previous story about the way my brother treated my sister? Or should I just pretend nothing happened,and live my life?

Sorry for the long post but I am steamed, and just got back from a call to work and it is 4am, and I doubt I will get any sleep anyway.

Chris

I won't try to offer advice - mine is usually wrong - but I will tell you that you have every right to be upset. Your brother is the one who has a problem*, not you

[ * ] - ...and his problem is far bigger than a lack of knowledge that could be fixed by driving from Destin, FL to our state capital a few times; he has some serious rage issues

JoeyM wrote: Your brother is the one who has a problem*, not you --- [ * ] - ...and his problem is far bigger than a lack of knowledge that could be fixed by driving from Destin, FL to our state capital a few times; he has some serious rage issues

I agree and I think that's what you have to realize. When you really get to know someone, anyone, you may often be shocked at their true attitudes. The hard part can be to continue to love someone without feeling angry or hurt but realize they they have a problem and that often, they do not want to change because they can never see or understand that they have a problem. The formation of people's attitudes and identities is very hard to understand sometimes.

I really can't advise you either. I suppose it depends on your relationship with your brother and whether or not he is able to have an open honest conversation with you.

With the outburst of your brother and the comments from SIL, there may be some marital strife happening.

You have heard from a bunch of 3rd parties here. If it were my brother - I'd call and say "What is your story berkeleytard? Why do I need to listen to dad and sis bitch everytime they are in earshot? What do you have up your ass?"

Then you would get the story and could decide for yourself.

For once I agree with GPS. Sit his ass down somewhere and ask him what in the world got him fired up.

++

= end of problem

The whole gift thing; berkeley that. It doesn't matter. My family got goodwill shirts that I found for two bucks a pop. I'm not into gift giving and for birthdays, I celebrate with a few drinks and some friends.

The issue is the hostility. I would put money on this being a brewing problem. He probably has deeper issues to take care of. I'm guessing he thinks only he is right so it may be hopeless. He has to admit he has a problem that its unwarranted.

Mickey lives in lower Florida, not the panhandle.

My family got out of the whole gift giving thing by mutual agreement a few years ago and it's been pretty nice. No huge rush to get something you think they might like only to find that no it wasn't and all the emotional baggage crap that goes with it, in fact my biggest complaint about Christmas is the constant 'BUY! BUY! BUY! IF YOU WANT TO BE LOVED' atmosphere which permeates the whole thing. We swap cards, get together on the holidays and enjoy each other's company.

Curmudgeon wrote: Christmas is the constant 'BUY! BUY! BUY! IF YOU WANT TO BE LOVED' atmosphere which permeates the whole thing.

Happy Consumer Whoriday!

N Sperlo wrote: Mickey lives in lower Florida, not the panhandle.

Wasn't suggesting otherwise...just saying that driving through the redneck riviera a few times might remind you that it exists.
http://maps.google.com/maps?saddr=destin+fl&daddr=tallahassee&safe=strict&gl=us&dirflg=d&geocode=Fb7EzwEd2S3Y-im39EDJeUORiDEyTFhG24ukFw%3BFXBz0AEdY_r5-ilTSxKHUYrsiDH4sf3Uegfu6w&t=m&z=8&vpsrc=0

I believe this rage may be fueled by my brothers recent foray into weight lifting/ steroid/ HGH use, but I can't say for sure. He has always been an shiny happy person, so this may just him being himself, but it seems worse if you ask me. He likes to drink, and smoke dope as well.

Now again I wasn't there for this rage, but I believe every word my sister says. That is just how he is. So far I have spoken with two friends at work. One knows my brother a bit,and says I should just swallow my hurt feelings, and to also stay out of the rage issue with him and my sister. The other friend (female) says I should confront S-I-L about the gift disrespect.

I don't know what is best yet, but I can tell you I didn't sleep well last night knowing this has gone down (being called into work didn't help either). At the end of the day I love my family, but I really want very little to do with my brother and it hurts me to say that. We live ten houses away, and he has a son that is the same age as my youngest. My kids always want to go over and play with him, but it is never reciporical. I fear that saying something will cause tension or a rift between us that maybe is already there anyway, but I don't want to hurt my kids by distancing myself from my family. I don't know why my family is so berkeleyed up, but it has been that way a long time, and it sucks.

Thanks for the support guys.

Chris

Family strife sucks. Most people have a family that's berkeleyed up in one way or another; don't worry too much about it in general terms like that.

The issue with you SIL can probably go unaddressed, but, if your brother is blowing up on his sister like that, you'd be doing right by him to try help sort out his problems. Even if you don't want to spend a lot of time with him, he's your kin and I think you should at least make a concerted effort to help himself out. The behavior he displayed toward your sister is likely to cause serious problems for him if it goes unchecked.

Forget the gift thing. Talk to your brother. Don'r discuss pesonnal problems with co-workers.

if your brother has always been a shiny happy person then the steroid use will ( at least in the long run) just exacerbate the situation ... until he gets off the juice and probably the other drugs too I don't see much chance for improvement ... what I do see is the probability of his rage / tantrums turning violent someday ... at you, SIL, his family ... strangers .... not good

RealMiniDriver wrote: With the outburst of your brother and the comments from SIL, there may be some marital strife happening.

this

His anger management issues and/or her control issues are the root of the problem there. Classic 'roid rage, though. As his older brother you have every right to put him in his place. If it means throwing him against a wall and telling him what's up, by all means, do so.

As for the gift thing--that's the sign to cut off all gifts. I've been BEGGING my wife to stop exchanging gifts w/ her family. They get returned half of the time, anyway. We're adults--at this point, no need to go crazy with the gift thing--especially if there are kids in the picture. It means WAY more to kids.

If she's that ungrateful and crass, the writing is on the wall.

Quite a mess.

Your parents are involved. Leave it be. Be a listening brother and that is it.

Here we do a pre emptive strike on all holidays , takes the someones gonna act like a total ass scenario out of the equation . No advice on what to do in your case , but we have diffused our situation .

Invite >>> thanksgiving dinner thursday

solution >>> hit them on tuesday with some flowers and bundt cake take off for hunting camp keaton beach for 3 or four days take broaster make own turkey relax .

Xmas >>>>>>>>>>> repeat gift cards see ya

I think I'm with the masses here. Forget the stupid christmas thing. Get her something even worse next year. Call your brother, and call him out. You'll feel better for it, and you may be protecting other people. It's the right thing to do to get involved, IMHO.

Sounds like classic 'roid rage. I would not let my kids play at his house, no matter how much they want to. That dude is outta control.

As for the gift situation, make a donation to a charity on her name next year and give her a card telling her about it, that will turn that situation into a win-win.

DO NOT CONFRONT SIL ABOUT GIFT DISRESPECT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Since he's your brother though, you basically have free reign to handle it however you choose. Sitting him down and going "wtf berkeleytard" is probably a good course of action, one of the few times being related to someone has it's perks.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could ignore it all. Just because they are blood doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life. I rather surround myself with people who contribute to my quality of life, blood be damned.

In reply to Mazdax605:

Umm... Define dope. Different areas have different definitions. It means anything from weed to coke, meth, X, etc.

Depending on what it means will direct me how to respond.

Sitting down and talking to your brother might be a bad idea. It sounds like you don't have the best relationship with him, and he can probably kick your ass.

iceracer wrote: Forget the gift thing. Talk to your brother. Don'r discuss pesonnal problems with co-workers.

These co-workers are like family to me however. We have a very tight-knit workplace, and these people are people that I have known for many years, and trust with my life. Good advice though.

rotard wrote: and he can probably kick your ass.

Not a berkeleyin chance. I may be out of shape, but that ain't happening. I am however a peace loving person that doesn't want violence in my life. Odd from a hockey loving/playing male in his 30's I know.