How to help a friend...

It pains me to do this, but as a fellow GRM'er who appreciates the knowledge the board has, I need advice on this subject. I'll keep it short and sweet, because it is pretty simple.

I consider myself to have two best friends. The one we are talking about today I've known since birth (his parents are my god parents).

The dude is lazy. Always has been. Lazy might not even be the right word, but apathetic. He wasn't always like this, but basically once grade 9/10 rolled around, game over. I have NO IDEA how he got his diploma, but I am pretty sure he initially didn't graduate with one IIRC.

The problem is that he can't hold a job. He was just GIVEN a job, $20/h, mon-thur 10 hour days to do general labour for a contracting company. And now he's lost it, as he didn't show up for a week.

I don't even know where to begin. I understand that work sucks, I dislike work and would rather wrench on cars or play video games all day, but that isn't reality. I've tried everything with him, been a decent person to hang around, tried to talk with him about it, helped him with vehicles, just in general made sure he had the opportunities available to him to earn a living in general. I've tried the "tough E36 M3 I'm not helping you routine", everything.

Basically, I'm at a loss. He doesn't strike me as being depressed, he's his same old self. He had a job that paid wicked good coin doing virtually nothing. I've encouraged him to go to school, but he only ever took some bullE36 M3ty drafting course that meant nothing. I told him it probably wouldn't mean anything to anyone unless he went further with it, but to give it a try if he thought it worth it.

Are there people in this world that are just simply flat out lazy? I have my apathetic moments, but he takes it to a whole new level. Which leads me to the only other thing I can think of; the dude sleeps A LOT. Like, he once slept for 32 hours STRAIGHT (and by once, I actually mean I've saw him do it on multiple occasions). I even think he did 48 hours once. Waking him is impossible. Just the other week, we had a small party with some friends. He easily slept over 12 hours (not that that is excessive, but it's not like he was throwing up drunk and we were out all night, we just had some drinks at a bar then had some more at a friends place before calling it a night).

So is there anything to do? The problem is, I feel like I can't keep hanging out with a guy who doesn't work. We are like brothers, moreso than his own brother (also a good friend of mine). But I can't keep spotting for food, or only ever being able to sit around and play video games because he has $0 and no transportation to get anywhere.

Ask him why he such a useless shiny happy person, and ask if he likes contributing nothing useful to society. If he gets mad, no particular loss.

I presume he lives in Moms basement?

Unfortunate. I've never been the most motivated person, but never that bad.

My S-I-L is the same kind of person. 24, lives at home, no DL, same min. wage fast food job for 3 years. No indication of EVER getting her life together. I know they don't get along great, but it kills my wife to see her sister just... do nothing.

Good luck.

The sleeping excessive times - any chance he has Sleep Apnea? Does he snore?

You don't really sleep, so you aren't really rested.

Get him to a doctor - it may be a physical issue.

I'd stop worrying. I know that's impossible, as you are life long buddies, but you are wasting your time with it (it, not him).

Still be friends with him. Hang out, do things, but stop with the worry. You are not his babysitter. Don't spot him food. Giving in to him is only enabling him. If he says things like, "Boy that looks good," hit him with, "If you had a berkeleying job, you could have this, too."

How does he support himself? Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, nothing left to sell, living in your car to "sober" some one up.

I might come off as an shiny happy person, but I've dealt with my brother acting like this. After he had no money left, nothing left to sell, and my parents said get a GED and a job or get the berkeley out, did he turn it around and actually straighten up.

Man, I'm generally inclined to say just keep hanging out with him as much as you want to and otherwise don't worry about it more than necessary.

But that's a lot of sleep.

You mean, actual, out cold sleep? Not just "didn't get out of bed for 48 hours"? I'm kinda wondering whether the guy's just constantly so tired existence is like walking through molasses....

Can you send him somewhere for a complete physical from somebody who knows his/her stuff? It would be too bad on lots of levels if he turned out to have some chemical thing going on that could be cured with a cheap pill, thus getting him back from the void.

Yeah sounds like some sort of medical/emotional problem is probably at work here. Any family of his you can use to assist finding him help?

I agree, this could be a medical issue. I'd get him to be a thorough checkup. If he checks out ok and is just useless then I would either stop worrying about him or drop him a a friend. It doesn't sound like you want to drop him (and good for you, he's still a person, just maybe lazy) and live your life.
If he's lazy, he's getting out of life was he puts in.

You are describing one of my good friends. All I can say is good luck. Anything you do will just piss him off. BTDT.

If this were a short term or suddenly appearing symptom, yeah, medical intervention may help. You admit it's a life long anomaly. I would still be a friend, but ease away some. Don't get dragged into his complacency.

You cannot teach an adult what he should have learned by age 12.

Sorry.

Dan

Toyman01 wrote: You are describing one of my good friends. All I can say is good luck. Anything you do will just piss him off. BTDT.

Yeah, it pissed me off.

I've never known anyone who was as, shall we say, unmotivated as you describe so I got nothing to add.

He needs a hot PoA. Men have been known to do some really insane things (like work) to keep good booty.

HiTempguy wrote: The problem is that he can't hold a job. He was just GIVEN a job, $20/h, mon-thur 10 hour days to do general labour for a contracting company. And now he's lost it, as he didn't show up for a week. He had a job that paid wicked good coin doing virtually nothing.

Where is this job?

I have a similar friend...puts more time and effort into figuring out scammy-sketchy ways to earn a semi-reasonably-kinda-sorta-legit buck than he would just putting in 40/week at Blockbuster video. We were inseparable friends for well over a decade, all through junior high, high school, and college.

In the end though, he was dragging me down, and no amount of strength I threw at the situation ever made a bit of difference. Hes a grown ass man (who STILL lives at home, and drives mommies car), and will. not. change. evar.

So, I rarely ever talk to the guy anymore. He owes me close to a thousand dollars, and Im confident that I never ever ever will see a dime of it. So, I say wassup on FB from time to time, or I bump into him at the gas station or something, since he lives 2 minutes away from my house, but we never hang out, and never make plans.

You might have to consider cutting your losses and walking away. Some times, people cannot be gotten through to, simply because they dont want to. Why is he lazy? Why wont he change? Why doesnt he care? Alfred said it best...

because he thinks it is good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Yea...some people go down the track of "no effort" and it isn't until their life has fallen away from them that they realize..."E36 M3, what have I been doing all these years"

Not everyone is cut out for the rat race. I can see not wanting to work for someone else or doing mundane E36 M3 your whole life just to have a job, hell, that might be the more evolved line of thought - but... I can't see doing nothing for yourself even if you fail at it constantly. That isn't doing your own thing - it's... DAMN LAZY! Sleeping 48hrs is nuts. Have his thyroid checked and if it's ok, cast him off. If he doesn't starve... consider it a success story.

Fury, you have way more patience than I. If someone owed me a full G, the only words out of my mouth to him would be, "You got the money you owe me, motherberkeleyer?"

PHeller wrote: Where is this job?

The answer never changes, in Alberta

I'm curious about this:

is that it was severe hypothyroidsm

I know that he had a heart condition (would beat irregularly I think?), but the only time it was a serious issue was when he passed out once in high school, thought the dude was in a coma when he initially passed out.

It's also not that he can't or won't work hard. My father "hired" him to help him build their acreage, and he always said when he showed up, he was the best worker. I've done lots with him before.

Now, don't get the wrong impression that I give him anything. Besides for the occasional pizza or drink (because I want that stuff, and while I may be fairly cold hearted, the extra $10 out of my pocket for a good buddy of mine to enjoy the meal won't kill me), I don't. While he had his steady job, I was going to give him a Metro that I had gotten for free so he could keep going to said job (he had been borrowing his brothers truck). But when I found out he had lost said job, I was like berkeley no!

Anywho, I'm not making excuses for the dude. If that's the way he wants to be, I guess it is the way he'll be. We'll still hang out, as we have a large group of friends, but it just sucks I guess It might not be a bad idea for him to get checked out though. He is abnormally skinny even though he eats crap 24/7, which may also play into hypo (or is that hyper?) thyroidism.

I still can not fathom sleeping for 48 hours though. And it's like, you could slap him hard in the face and he probably wouldn't wake up.

Appleseed wrote: Fury, you have way more patience than I. If someone owed me a full G, the only words out of my mouth to him would be, "You got the money you owe me, motherberkeleyer?"

lol, there was a big chunk he borrowed at first, but the rest was nickle dimey stuff...$20 for gas here, $50 for brakes...over the course of a several years, the amount grew to probably closer to $900 all in all...but yeah, I was in a "hit him with a bat repeatedly until he got the point that I wanted my money" mood for a while...but turnips wont ever bleed blood...its like winning a law suit for a gajillion bazillion dollars against a homeless person...youll never see a dime anyway, why go to court in the first place? I wrote it off as I am likely a lot happier and a lot less incarcerated as a result of not associating much with him anymore.

well first im gonna throwout the depression card. secondly my sil is the same way. and she says its cause her childhood was robbed (she had a kid at 22 so she wasnt) but having been similar till i met my so and just her presence in my life made me care and work towards being a succesful member of society. my advice is too help him get anothr job that u can keep an eye on him and hang out as much as possible.

Can you talk him into joining the military?

NGTD wrote: The sleeping excessive times - any chance he has Sleep Apnea? Does he snore? You don't really sleep, so you aren't really rested. Get him to a doctor - it may be a physical issue.

This. He's sleeping excessive hours well beyond what even I can do and I take Keppera and Volume.

He needs to see a doctor.

Gasoline wrote: He needs a hot PoA. Men have been known to do some really insane things (like work) to keep good booty.

^^ this

Doctor time for sure.