I could use some advice for a friend that’s not doing good

When I was a teenager, I worked at a tv /radio station transmitter cutting grass. Pete was about 15 years older than me and worked at the facility doing engineering stuff. Like my dad, he fixed everything himself including his car. We talked about car stuff now and again. Pete ended up working with my dad at the tv station downtown and when my dad passed he had some good stories about working with my dad.

Fast forward 20 years and I ran into Pete in the small town I now live in. I didn't realize he lived close from me but over the last several years we would stop by each other's place to talk. Mostly we complained about getting older or car stuff.  I wouldn't say we're best of friends but he was someone that was interesting to talk to that was close to my age.
 

I hadn't heard from Pete all summer so I sent him a email asking what septic pump company he recommended but really I wanted see if everything was ok.. This was the response I got:

" I'm not doing good. I just got home from the hosp, had to go to ER wed, after tests my cancer has spread to intestines and they say not much to be done, so I might not be answering for too much longer.
Take care, Pete"

I was not expecting this. I didn't even know he had cancer. I'm not sure how to respond or what I should say or do if anything. I always thought if I got to the point where my days were numbered I would keep that information to myself to avoid anyone feeling sorry for me. Maybe not. 

What do you say /do when you hear this from someone. 

Hang out with him. Watch movies you guys like. Do some car stuff if he can travel. Do things with him, in whatever way, to let him know you are still his friend and value your friendship. 

In reply to rustybugkiller :

Go visit him. Seriously. I just lost my stepmom to cancer and she that the best thing was just talking to people who came to visit. 

Hospice organizations do some wonderful work. 

Visit him and see if he is open to getting them involved 

Hospice was wonderful to my mom. After offering my help, Do I talk / ask about his condition or do I try to keep his mind off of the bad? 

rustybugkiller said:

Hospice was wonderful to my mom. After offering my help, Do I talk / ask about his condition or do I try to keep his mind off of the bad? 

Listen. 

Even if the conservation stalls, just wait and let him talk. From this listening you will find which way to go. 

Yeah go see him. 

Visit, listen and if he speaks of wanting to go do something (not likely) take him. 

Bonus points if you take a Bluetooth speaker and play music that he may not have enjoyed in years if he doesn't feel like talking much. 

Don't be afraid to tell him that you visiting is about you wanting to spend time with him and to learn and listen to and from him. And not seeking to comfort him. It's nice to feel that you're still able to provide value to someone when you're in a position where you feel that you're no longer able to provide value. 

Yeah, spend time with him. 

The only advice I'll give that I haven't seen is- keep it light. Old dude knows he's dying. You know he's dying. You aren't friends because he's dying- focus on the reasons that you're friends. Guy could probably use a little normal (chicks, cars, whatever) other than death. 

Spend time with him.  Tell him that he made a difference in your life.

A visit from you might bring a bit of "normal" that he might really appreciate.  He might need to unload, he might want to talk about girls and cars, whatever.  Go with the flow.

Regarding what to talk about if things stall, don't be afraid to bring up your dad. It's a connection to him that you're losing and it's a time in his life that he likely fondly remembers as he had control of his life and was in good health. That should open the floodgates of memories. 

Maybe bring him a hooker.  Even dying dudes love head.

OHSCrifle said:

Yeah go see him. 

Absolutely.  While you still can.  

Don't think too much.  Just go.

Thanks for the advice.
So I gave Pete a call to see if I could stop by and visit. He's the type of guy that doesn't like surprise visits so we always called each other first. He insisted that it wasn't a good time to stop over so I started a conversation. I don't know to what degree or stage his cancer is in so I don't really know how bad he is and I thought it was better to keep it light. At first he seemed disengaged but I brought up topics that have nothing to do with his illness and he got pretty talkative until that subject got exhausted and then I started another topic and so on. At some point he asked how I was doing. He knew I had possibility of surgery the last time we talked so I told I was recovering from said surgery and I was available just about anytime.
 

In the end he said he was glad to hear from me and would let me know when it's a good time to stop over. I told him if I don't here from him soon I'd call back and if he needed anything to let me know. I think it was good for him to hear from someone other than his family even if it is just me.

In reply to rustybugkiller :

Sounds perfect.  Well done.

rustybugkiller said:

I think it was good for him to hear from someone other than his family even if it is just me.

To quote the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey, "I always feel that greeting betrays such a lack of self worth"