I just want to spook him

I have a close female friend (nothing more) who is in a physically abusive relationship. She says it's because he "loves " her so much. She won't involve the authorities, that's out of the question. I love this girl like a sister and it's breaking my heart. How can I put a scare into this guy? Nothing illegal of course, but a good scare none the less. She won't listen to my advice due to extremely low self esteem. All I want is for this douchebag to keep his drunken redneck mitts off of her. This is literally tearing me apart inside. Does anyone have any advice or should I wash my hands?

He will not stop. She wont admit it. You may be better off trying to scare her (more than he is scaring her already.)

Unfortunately, I don't think you'll be able to help her until she's ready to help herself.

If you do decide to "help" her she may see it as a sign of interfering if she finds out it was you. Worse, he could take it out on her.

Bad situation all around.

unfortunately, abusive relationships take 2 people to maintain.

It seems simple to castigate the abuser somehow, but you're still left with the abused who did/will continue to participate in the abusive relationship until they've been given a reason to stop.

and obviously, not being abused is not reason enough.

its complicated... :(

advise her to get out of the relationship.

you can't scare him, he feeds on fear, both his and hers.

At best you will just piss her off, at worst YOU will be the one explaining to the judge about the assault charge that is levied against you.

It sucks, I'm sorry.

Marty! wrote: Unfortunately, I don't think you'll be able to help her until she's ready to help herself. If you do decide to "help" her she may see it as a sign of interfering if she finds out it was you. Worse, he could take it out on her. Bad situation all around.

This. Dammit.

^^^^ Yeah...sad. I know people like this as well. worse when they are married with offspring

Encourage her to talk to a councellor about her relationship. The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and hope she sees the light for herself. I want to thank you for caring enough to get involved, but be careful, there is an explosive potential to this situation and it can backfire on your good intentions very easily. She could end up taking his side, it's definately complicated. Get a professional involved if possible.

I agree with what the others ^^^^ have said. You are screwed in this situtation. You can not win. Your not winning means she will not win either. Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is keep the f' out of it. The next time she is beat on, call the police, explain all you know, step back. She will probably hate you for doing that. He certainly will. The popo probably will too. It's the best thing for her. As I said, you're screwed.

Does she have any Family close by? Get them involved.

Something needs to be done....document everything. She may not understand, but if she can't look after herself...then somebody should.She is a statistic waiting to happen.

Check to see if there is a hotline or shelter for battered women in your area. All you can do is encourage her to speak with someone. As has been pointed out, it takes 2 people to maintain an abusive relationship. Be supportive and let her know she doesn't deserve to be treated badly. Unfortunately there is little else you can do if she won't reach out for help.

Everything said above is spot on. My wife was in an abusive (mentally, physically) relationship and until she "saw the light", she just kept on living in fear. He was even abusive to her son.

EastCoastMojo wrote: Get a professional involved if possible.

I know a guy that can make it look like an accident.

This is why I asked you guys. Thank you all. This is the only board I'm on where I knew I'd get actual advice instead of "wait for him in a parking lot" bullE36 M3. Trust me, I've told her to get help, see a counselor etc. but she always takes his side. You know what's really sad? she has a brother that lives nearby. I'm sorry,but if she was blood to me, these incidents would have stopped PERMANENTLY after the first time.

Yes, I know it takes two to tango and I am only hearing her side, but I was raised properly when it comes to women. The only way I'd EVER lay a hand on any female is if she had me backed into a corner waving a butcher knife "like a woman who meant to cut something". Apparently, these rednecks grew up a bit different.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything dumb, for fear of her safety. But I am seriously concerned about her continued well being. Although, if I read about her in the paper one morning, I don't know what I'll do other than blame myself and learn to get used to a 10'x10' room.

Here's the good news, Her boyfriend is already on the cop's radar, maybe he'll be pinched for something that will send him away for a while. Who knows?

Once again, thank you all for the support. This is tearing me apart, and you are the only ones I can talk to about it. This is a very small town and word travels fast.

berkeleying rednecks.

Being on the cops radar helps you some. It wouldn't hurt her a bit if the cops got a random tip when he took off on his latest DUI, etc...

No offense to anyone here, but I temporarily dropped all personal info. off of my profile. You never know who's watching, right? Hell, if he's not afraid to belt a woman just imagine what he'd do to me. I'm not a big guy and these rednecks tend to move in packs like filthy uneducated hyenas.

Sorry to offend any of the good rednecks out there.

Maybe you should let word travel fast in your small town. Tell everyone about it. All of his friends and family, all of her friends and family, every cop you see, people at their church, their grocery store... Completely embarrass that scum bucket. Make him run away in shame.

Keep the police in the loop, if possible. This isn't a quick and easy process, and you'll have to work on her as much as you keep an eye on him. Ultimately, however, you may be the difference. Above all, get as much help as you can if the situation is that dire.

maddabe wrote: No offense to anyone here, but I temporarily dropped all personal info. off of my profile. You never know who's watching, right? Hell, if he's not afraid to belt a woman just imagine what he'd do to me. I'm not a big guy and these rednecks tend to move in packs like filthy uneducated hyenas. Sorry to offend any of the good rednecks out there.

Great advice above, you're there to try and talk to her and help her to talk with someone who's unbiased in this situation. Maybe get her some info on a battered woman's shelter or something similar.

The good news about fearing for your personal safety? It's largely unfounded. Most of these guys are VERY cowardly, but still, you've gotta worry about CYA if anything were to happen. So, as satisfying as the parking lot blanket party would be, it's not recommended.

I always rake the wrong tack on this stuff, talk to her, try to have her remember a time when she loved waking up in the morning, had interests, had a life, howthe heck did you become a punching bag?

Don't "spook him" unless she's such a friend you're willing to go to jail for her.

Research some of these places. If you're truly trying to help, talk to them if just call, get information. There may be a third party with the training to step in and help.

Good luck.

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

Thanks again guys, you're the best. I tried talking to her again and was told in a nice way to mind my own business. She obviously wanted me in the loop in the first place or she would have never told me what's going on. I explained that I would leave it alone and came to find that she was hoping that I would "do" something about it. I told her that although I love her like a sister I wasn't going to put myself in jeopardy. So now I'm a big Bob Costas. Ugh. I made it clear that I will be here for her if she ever needs anything that won't put me in harms way. Even though I love her, I love myself even more.

Looks like I'll have to wait for Karma to unleash justice on this douchebag.

Once again thanks.

maddabe wrote: Even though I love her, I love myself even more. Looks like I'll have to wait for Karma to unleash justice on this douchebag.

Its a tough lesson, but one better learned the way you did rather than in a cell or worse. All you can do is be there for her. If shes not willing to admit to those with Authority that shes a victim, there really is no recourse. Its possible that a VERY well timed phone call the 5.0 could possibly maybe be the answer to end the abuse at that time, but it likely wont end the girls poor choices in men.

I briefly dated a girl with a similar mentality (perpetual victim, no sense of self esteem, etc) in High School, but she literally couldnt handle a guy who treated her well. She was so used to being a victim, that without that chaos in her life, she couldnt function. She dumped me for a dropout addict and I never saw her again.

I think that a lot of damaged people out there literally cannot be helped until they decide they want it. No matter how it looks to a rational person, until they want to make a change, they will always find ways to rationalize their abuse/situation, and avoid change. All that will come of forcing the situation will be an end of your friendship and a lot of hardship and heartache for all involved.

Youve done all you can do by voicing your concern, offering to help if they want it, and making sure they know you will "be there" for them when they come to the realization they deserve better. But it may also behoove you to let them know that you cant be in contact with them while they put themselves in harms way. If you cant take the drama, dont put yourself there, and perhaps knowing that they will lose another friend due to the situation may help them realize they need change.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Give her this number.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

It's to the National Domestic Abuse hotline.

It's the best you can do. Otherwise, stay out of it. This is no win situation for you. Much like an addict she has to decide she wants to change her situation. She is the only one who can fix this.

Sorry man. It's a bitter pill.

Yeah, shes got the guy she likes to bang and share drama with, and shes got you to worship her and comfort her when things get tough. Basically you allow her to have a fairly complete relationship by giving her the parts he won't give. Give her a few phone numbers in case she finally decides getting hit sucks, and go find yourself a girl who wants you for all aspects of the relationship.

berkeley! Being a good person sucks. Oh well, life's a bitch, right?

I'll echo what everyone else has said. Be there for her, don't be in the way, and stay out of his way. Give her that crisis hot-line number. If she's any bit smart, she will come to her senses before too long. Pray to whatever god you believe in that it happens sooner rather than later.

I've been an outsider in too many of these kinds of relationships, and I've had to be there for someone very close after she was abused. Be ready, there is a good chance that when she gets out of the relationship that she will become very depressed (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and if she isn't accepting help now, she will really need her friends then.

Being a good person sucks, it sure has taken its toll on my own mental health and made me a sadder person, but it is worth it.