I just want to spook him

Just to be clear, I want nothing to do with having a relationship with this girl. She's not my type. That is not my intention. I want her to find a good guy who will treat her as she deserves. That's all.

I've started about five replies to this thread, but when I extend the logic of my original point, I run into a brick wall. There's no good answer for you here.

As hard as it is, I think you have to realize that you've done all you can. Let her know one last time that she can find you if/when she's ready to make a change, no sooner. Then leave her and this mess alone.

You have your own life to live. You truly have tried your best. And, to echo the sentiment of others: you can't help until she decides she really needs it.

Always remember: humans are the weirdest animals on the planet.

If this guy disappeared tonight, she would find another like him, within two weeks.

Give her the phone numbers above. Give the police a statement (I bet they already know). And get on with your life. Tell her to stay away, because you can't handle what will happen if she shows up beat-up and crying, and he comes after her, ten minutes later.

What is wrong with people? I simply can't wrap my mind around hurting a woman. I may not be able to do anything, but Karma is a motherberkeleyer. He will get his. tick tock tick tock.... the clock is ticking for.......we'll see.

The saddest part is that The Bunker is a happy place... not so much lately.

Statistically, she will leave him 9 times before she wakes up. You just have to hope that she doesnt get harmed in the meantime. Any other intervention will merely drive her closer to him and drive him to abuse her even more. I would hate to count how many times I have tried as a lawyer to help women like this and while I havent stopped trying, it is rarely successful.

If you want to spook him.. Give him a good tongue kiss. Mano-a-Mano..

Cops will tell you domestics are the worst calls to get, they'll show up and try to arrest some guy for beating the crap out of his s/o and damned if she doesn't jump on them for trying to arrest the jerk. The last thing you need to do is get in the middle, they will BOTH turn on you.

There are the women who expect it; I dated a girl once who rode down to Beaufort with me in my Spitfire. When we got there, I discovered that during the trip the right door glass had shattered and it was getting ready to rain. I was pissed at the situation, not at her, and she said 'You can hit me if you want.' WHAT????? I don't think so. I got her back home that Sunday evening and called off the relationship.

So as others have said, if you have tried and failed it's time to put this behind you. Move on with your life. Hope you don't read about her in the paper.

MrJoshua wrote: Yeah, shes got the guy she likes to bang and share drama with, and shes got you to worship her and comfort her when things get tough. Basically you allow her to have a fairly complete relationship by giving her the parts he won't give. Give her a few phone numbers in case she finally decides getting hit sucks, and go find yourself a girl who wants you for all aspects of the relationship.

QFT! Many women are dang near schizophrenic. They get their physical desires satisfied by one man, and their emotional desires satisfied by another. It took me until I was 40yrs old to understand that..and to understand that if you've ended up on either side of that bizarre "half the man I need" E36 M3, you need to pack it up and keep going. The understanding doesn't make it any easier, though. Good luck, dude.

Yes. Stay the berkeley away. What did she expect you to do? Is she asking you to do something criminal that shes to pansy to do herself? That's no one anyone needs around. If she genuinly wanted help, and was asking for it that's one thing. But it doesn't sous like she really wants help, just wants someone she can wrap up in her drama.

I'm sorry, but you either want to be a victim or not. And unless he has her child locked away somewhere and won't let her leave, she wants to stay. And if she WANTS to stay, don't waste your heartache on this one.

Joey

Trying to scare a man is tricky - How do you do it without giving him a "clear and present danger" defense at his trial?

What trial? The one he goes to for killing you.

She's lucky to have a friend like you. But, as others have said, it takes two. There's something in her that's drawn to this abuse, just like those who repeatedly find themselves in relationships with alcoholics. Until she's willing to look at that aspect of herself, it will continue.

I don't know what to tell you. I have a friend at school who is like a sister (actually she is probably closer then my real sister). If she was in that situation, I know what I would do but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.

The poster formally known as 96DXCivic wrote: I don't know what to tell you. I have a friend at school who is like a sister (actually she is probably closer then my real sister). If she was in that situation, I know what I would do but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.

Trust me, It's taken a lot of self control and rationale to not give this tool a VERY bad day. I keep telling myself "it's not worth it". Although, when I see bruises on her in the shape of a hand where he squeezed, I want to puke all over my shoes. Goddamnit Karma, where are you when I need you?

maddabe wrote: Just to be clear, I want nothing to do with having a relationship with this girl. She's not my type. That is not my intention. I want her to find a good guy who will treat her as she deserves. That's all.

Incorrect. You do have a relationship with her. You just don't have a romantic/sexual relationship. You are emotionally invested in her, and that fulfills a certain need of hers that is quite possibly integral to her MO.

Maybe the best thing you could do for her, that might spook her into evaluating what's going on is:

Tell her you care for her too much and it is too hard for you to watch her destroy herself. That you can't be there to watch her get hospitalized or be put into the ground. That you need to leave until she's ready to change her behavior. Then give her the Domestic Abuse number listed earlier, leave, and don't come back into the situation.

If she calls you up or stops by with a sob-story about getting hit, ask if she's still with him. If she makes excuses for him, tell her you just can't handle it, and leave/hang up.

If your friendship matters and she has half a brain, this might be her wake-up call. If she doesn't change her behavior, there's not anything you can do about it, and she's probably not really your friend and is just using you to fuel her emotional drama.

I know that's harsh. I'm sorry. This is a sucky situation.

^^ That's better E36 M3 than you'll get from Dr. Phil.

Maybe if I give her a shiner she'll listen. Sorry, I know that was kind of a E36 M3ty thing to say.... and yes, it was a joke.

In reply to maddabe:

She expects to be abused by him, not you. Don't, in any way, lower yourself to his or her level. You'll only reinforce her already bad perception of how healthy relationships work.

Stepping away doesn't mean you don't care; it's a realization that you can do only so much. The situation sucks; I've had to do it myself - more than once. But it's the best way for you and hopefully, for her, too.

Lesley wrote: ^^ That's better E36 M3 than you'll get from Dr. Phil.

I'm not a completely self absorbed ass.

Abusive relationships are always sketchy. I have a cousin who jumps from one douch to another. Her last guy was twice her age, but was so far the best. He actually felt bad for abusing her, and decided it was better for the both of them if they split. Unfortunately, she's still legaly married to the last redneck, who's going around racking up the credit card debt, because hey, he's only responsible for half until they get divorced legally. Unfortunately, this stems from a less than gentle father figure, and she'll probobly run straight to the next similar type...

oldsaw wrote: In reply to maddabe: She expects to be abused by him, not you. Don't, in any way, lower yourself to his or her level. You'll only reinforce her already bad perception of how healthy relationships work. Stepping away doesn't mean you don't care; it's a realization that you can do only so much. The situation sucks; I've had to do it myself - more than once. But it's the best way for you and hopefully, for her, too.

Seriously, I was joking. I would never even think about doing anything like that. Plus, She's about 6 inches taller than me and obviously has experience in that area. She would kick my ass! Of that I am quite confident.

maddabe wrote:

oldsaw wrote: In reply to maddabe: She expects to be abused by him, not you. Don't, in any way, lower yourself to his or her level. You'll only reinforce her already bad perception of how healthy relationships work. Stepping away doesn't mean you don't care; it's a realization that you can do only so much. The situation sucks; I've had to do it myself - more than once. But it's the best way for you and hopefully, for her, too.

Seriously, I was joking. I would never even think about doing anything like that. Plus, She's about 6 inches taller than me and obviously has experience in that area. She would kick my ass! Of that I am quite confident.

Yet another joke. Sorry, that's how I deal with E36 M3ty situations.

maddabe wrote:

maddabe wrote:

oldsaw wrote: In reply to maddabe: She expects to be abused by him, not you. Don't, in any way, lower yourself to his or her level. You'll only reinforce her already bad perception of how healthy relationships work. Stepping away doesn't mean you don't care; it's a realization that you can do only so much. The situation sucks; I've had to do it myself - more than once. But it's the best way for you and hopefully, for her, too.

Seriously, I was joking. I would never even think about doing anything like that. Plus, She's about 6 inches taller than me and obviously has experience in that area. She would kick my ass! Of that I am quite confident.

Yet another joke. Sorry, that's how I deal with E36 M3ty situations.

You ain't the only one who does that, bro. Don't sweat it. We're not quite the PC Police in here..

I know I'm coming into this late, but I have a somewhat similar story. I pretty much sat squarely in your shoes for years. This girl was getting beat up by her fiance. The worst part is that I moved her to his house 2 states away. If I had known the night I left that if I had stayed the night instead of running home, she would have come back home, I would have gotten her out of that situation. That killed me until I realized that she would have gotten into the same situation again, and has, at least 5 times since.

I don't talk to the girl much anymore. I've tried being friends with her, but I end up being the guy in the relationship while she gets penetration from other scumbags.

At least my experience with her is a lot of what put me in my current relationship with my wife. This coming March will be 5 years with her, 2 of which I've been married to her.