I need help - road rage issues

In reply to Japanspec :

Your recognition of the problem and accepting responsibility for it is some of the healthiest stuff I've read in a long time- kudos!

Im not a therapist.  I'm a carpenter, so you really don't want MY advice!  😂

My grandmother used to deal with extreme frustration by yelling something wacko like "OH FIDDLESTICKS!", or "OH PSHAW!".  I thought it was a riot, but it always made everyone laugh, including her.  She seemed to be able to magically shift her anger to laughter in an instant by yelling something nonsensical.

Therapist, music, podcasts, fitness, and fiddlesticks... THAT should do it! 😂

Keep up the good work!
 

In reply to wvumtnbkr :

I usually give a disappointed look and thumbs down 

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to wvumtnbkr :

I usually give a disappointed look and thumbs down 

Yea, but you don't have the HARD sarcasm then.  And it can escalate things.

Stampie said:

In reply to wvumtnbkr :

I blew a kiss at a guy on 95 once and it really confused him.

I've done this a few times now, and have found there's no better way to escalate a situation. It was fun one time when they laughed. But at least two other times I felt like I was about to get sideswiped. 

Remember, you're not IN traffic, you ARE the traffic. 

I am 62 now and for the most part my road rage is just saying something inside my car and moving on.  If my dog is with me though, she will whine and start to lick my face thinking that I was yelling at her.  Now I have to apologize to her and its all over at that point.

The "Armed Attorneys" YouTube channel is mostly 2A stuff but they are primarily defense attorneys in TX.  They mentioned a while back that 75% of their defense cases are for road rage.  That was shocking to me.  

The other thing to maybe help keep your emotions in line is that if you are going to invite, threaten, or just go off on someone, you really don't know which one of them is going to take you up on your actions and may be well prepared to kick your butt or shoot you.  All of that for 20 feet of asphalt.  I believe in these post-COVID days people are even more easily triggered by whatever and you just don't know what their whatever is.  I know my tolerance for BS is just about zero these days but I have learned to walk away a little better than I have in the past.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm getting a Peterbilt for my daily.

My favorite thing to do is make the hipster 'heart' sign at them... but I so rarely encounter butt drivers that it's kind of a moot point.  

Funny story though-  One day last fall, it was a local election day in our town.  I went in before work and it was an absolute madhouse.  I finished up, but was in a mad rush and late for work, and ended up not double checking my right side for a left turn and cut right in front of someone going straight.  He hit his brakes and horn, middle finger shaking at me out the window.  I rolled down my window and waved, as if somehow to say 'my bad', and at the next intersection we were mated up in parallel lanes.  I rolled my windows down and apologized profusely for being careless, it was my fault and I didn't mean to ruin his day.  He was super understanding about it, and off we went... 

Turns out it was my daughter's kindergarten teacher this year, and we both remembered our "incident" at her open house.  Super nice guy, happy it ended the way it did, haha. 

Just remember, you don't want to be this guy. A lot of times, you just have to back off.

I realize this is now old, but I thought I would add a bit here.   Years ago my doc put me on antidepressants.  The first thing I noticed is that they reduced my anxiety and anger by several orders of magnitude.   It particularly helped with road rage because i was getting pretty bad. I went through several and all helped.  None did what Curtis said one of his did.   Oddly, they never helped me focus at work, which is what I needed.  Another thing that helped is our company preached driving safety until I thought i as going to scream.   That is when I started slowing down and not getting in a rush. I just let stuff go.  The antidepressants may have helped with that.  I'm not pushing them, just stating my experience.         

Argghhh I had such a good streak until this morning! Please somebody humble me, I need to vent this one out.

So, my commute is mostly highway with a short section of two lane road (double yellow) to get to my office. Usually, I just putter along in the right lane on the highway, and watch as the others fight to get to their office 2 minutes earlier.

The final stretch where its two lanes to get to my office I also go the speed limit, and generally, I get mildly tailgated because for some reason people are always late during their commute, but usually nothing crazy, and I am getting much much much better at just ignoring it.

This morning though, I lost my marbles after a 6+ month streak of being fine. This older blue Ford Escape came flying on me on this road and at first I didnt think much of it, just thought it was another one of those weirdos who want to get to their desk 2 minutes early. I look in my rearview and hes mere inches from me...swerving around, just being absolutely irritating. Well, as I approach my office, I feel my heart race, my emotions take over, I put on my turn signal to turn into my office and intentionally SLAM on the brakes before turning in. He of course swerves to avoid me and has his whole head turned to look at me as he passes like he wasn't just on my bumper.

Anyway I'm full of adrenaline at that point and definitely don't want to start my mornings like that. I slipped up. I had such a good streak going I don't know why my emotions took over this time. I'm kind of beating myself up over it because I was doing so good and regret my actions, I wish I just ignored it as usual.

In reply to Japanspec :

E36 M3 happens. Be thankful nothing major happened, learn from the incident, and move on.

Remember- Impatience kills people. 

Japanspec said:

I'm kind of beating myself up over it because I was doing so good and regret my actions, I wish I just ignored it as usual.

It sucks. All of us have off days. That guy sounds like exactly the kind of dick behavior that I wouldn't be able to handle either. You have no other options, and the other driver is going out of their way to provoke you. Everyone has their breaking point.

So... what did your breaking point used to look like 6 months ago? How long would your stretches be and how little would it take to provoke you before you snapped?

Now you've gone 6 months between times when you snapped, and it took someone actively trying to provoke you when you had no path to remove yourself from the situation to make you snap. Sounds like you're doing pretty well.

Oh I feel you, I want to shoot missiles into 100 idiots per day. Here's what I do: 

1. Drive a beater. Driving a fast car makes you want to go fast, if those morons would just get out of the way you could!!! So drive a slow car, and go with the flow. 
2. Leave earlier. Give yourself more time to get to your destination.
3. Don't commit to times. When asked, say things like "I'll be there between 6 and 6:30" or "Ill be there after 7, start without me". Having deadlines makes you try to hit them and most are completely arbitrary anyway. If you have to hit a time, see #2. 
4. Listen to Audiobooks. A good book allows your mind to be engaged in Mordor or WW2 or any place other than the traffic jam outside. I don't mind sitting for a few lights if I am interested in what I am listening to. (Currently, the Bobiverse and Dungeon Crawler Carl)
5. Accept the crap. That a-hole in the BMW is going to drive the shoulder and cut in at the last minute, despite everyone else merging nicely. So what? They will be 20 meters ahead, big deal. Listen to your book, play Gin Rummy on your phone, call your mom, just tune out all the dirtbags and you do you. 
6. Kill with kindness. Let people in, give people room, let that big truck in front of you. My commute is 50 minutes if I  drive like a complete jerk, and 55 min if I do the opposite, but I feel a lot better. 

pinchvalve (Forum Supporter) said:

Oh I feel you, I want to shoot missiles into 100 idiots per day. Here's what I do: 

 

1. Kill with kindness. Let people in, give people room, let that big truck in front of you. My commute is 50 minutes if I  drive like a complete jerk, and 55 min if I do the opposite, but I feel a lot better. 

This. I genuinely enjoy being a courteous driver and it does help me keep my frustration in check. It's especially fun to do in my BMW - it really freaks people out. :)

First, watch this and take notes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuKnR8RvxHY

Driver aids have a funny mellowing effect on me. I also spend a lot of time driving in an area between two cities with notorously horrible traffic, and now that my car can handle some of the driving for me, I don't notice the stuff that would otherwise bother me. What I mean by that is any driver aid beyond old-fashion cruise control can help you, even if it's just adaptive cruise control. Why? It keeps my speeds down. I don't like driving super fast, but the guy in the right lane is doing 63 in a 65? Fine, I'll just go around. But I need to speed up a little to get by so that I'm not that guy holding up the left lane. So now I'm doing 70. Next guy's doing 67? I slow down, right? Nope. I tend to pass him too, since I'm comfortably at speed now... so now I'm doing 75. Then I find that none of the cars in any lane are going 75, even though the guy in the left lane is doing 70. See where this goes? You feel held-up. Even though you were going slower than that, at your own will, 10 minutes ago. Adaptive cruise? The car will just slow down a bit, and I won't notice until it has already made the change. It gives me that few extra seconds (while the other cars behind me start to pass both of us) to decide not to go around.

If you don't have adaptive cruise or other such aids, just watch that Onion video, and remember: count to 10... and then follow the person to their house. Then hopefully have a laugh.

That sucks. I hate that feeling afterward. You're reminding me a lot of me, I'm like resonating to the point of feeling that shame all over again.

I won't repeat my advice but I believe it even more now. 

Here's the thing. Most drivers aren't out to get you by tailgating or cutting you off. Most (not all) are just oblivious to what they are doing, how big their vehicle is, or distracted in some way. You are taking it personally. We all fall victim to this. Often reacting to the other driver as if they intentionally meant to "harm" us. When you put all the mistakes and actions together that you come across they become an amalgam of "the other driver" and that becomes a singular individual to us. So that driver did this, or that driver did that, and so on. When in actuality it's almost never the same person each time. We forget that. And in time WE are the other driver to someone else at some point. You have a moment of distraction, forget to check a blind spot, or other action that might infringe on the space of another person. As a recovering NYer I struggle with this on a regular basis. I'm in Vermont which helps. And I teach DE, so I have to model appropriate behaviors and skills. But even I fall victim to my thoughts from time to time. Acknowledge them and move on. Try some breathing exercises to engage the parasympathetic (Calming) nervous system. Your sympathetic system (fight or fright) is engaged in those moments of high adrenaline. It's a matter of teaching your body and mind how to regulate. And go easy on yourself. You're not alone.

Thanks for all the advice again guys! I'm going to keep this as a learning moment and hopefully it'll help me to ignore these people even more. Also, confuZion3, that video is funny lol thank you. Interesting on the driver aids. My daily is from 2006 so no driver aids to speak of but thats definitely an interesting thought to think about.

I do agree with you guys on being a courteous driver. I've been doing that more lately, and its pretty nice the amount of waves I get. Some people do end up taking advantage of it especially on merges where traffic is backed up and will merge righhttt on the person I was letting in rear bumper and then my front bumper. I get a tinge of "alright buddy come on now" but I can typically let it slide.

As for what changed in the last 6+ months that has helped me, honestly, I've just kind of slowed my roll and started to appreciate more of the natural beauty around me. Im in Pennsylvania, and live about an hour or so out from Philly. The closer you get to Philly the more aggressive drivers get, and the less "natural" things become, but out by me, you turn off the highway or the main "business district" and go down a rural road and its just farms, amish, and rolling hills all around you. Its really quite serene. I used to drive these roads ALL the time when I had plenty of free time in college, but now that I have been working full time for the last 7 years, with 4 of those having to drive toward Philly, I think I got too into my commute of highway and impatient city drivers that I stopped taking "pleasure" drives out in the country, and it made me miserable so I was upset at every little motion anyone on the highway made around me. I make it a point now that if I'm not working on a car on the weekend, to get the Miata out and just cruise on the several rural roads a short distance from me. Actually, Im now thinking of moving a bit more rural in a few years so I can have this at my front door, and maybe the more rural folks take life slower than the people closer to cities, but we'll see where life leads me. Won't fix the commute part, of course, but at least I can maybe have my home base in a less hectic area.

I also think about what I have in life and I have a lot to be grateful for which I try to remind myself of when I start feeling nonsensical rage for no reason to keep myself humble.

Anyway, I know this sounds bonkers and maybe even delusional but I don't know, it seems to help me.

Not sure if this will help at all, but one thing I constantly find myself saying (both out loud and internally to myself) is Hanlon's razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

People can be pretty darn stupid, and you're almost always an extra, rather than a lead actor, in their story. 

I've found watching road rages gone wrong videos on YouTube a good reminder to turn the other cheek and let it go. This one stuck with me...

You know what helped me? Moving from urban Florida to rural New Mexico where the pace of life is a crawl compared to before.

But that's not to say that I didn't bring the Florida driving mentality with me.

Full confession: I still drive aggressively sometimes. It's like defaulting back to Florida mode. I've been making a conscious effort to just slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the drive. I don't have to drive everywhere like my hair is on fire. For example, I was driving my Tahoe PPV to work. My commute is 11 miles with 85% of it on a rural 2 lane state highway. It's a 55mph speed limit but the local traffic either does 65 or 50. I come up on this newish Ford Super Duty doing 52-54mph. There are a lot of farmers and ranchers in the area and they usually just kinda poke along. So this irritates me and I start tailgating them. They slow down even more and move to the right, onto the fog line. I pass them aggressively and haul ass until my next turn.

Well I get to work and a little while later I was conversing with my coworker. She was telling me about this shiny happy person in a white Tahoe that was tailgating her. She thought it was a cop so she slowed down because she thought she was about to be pulled over.

I was mortified. She is the sweetest person and I was driving like a total dick.

That was my moment of realization. I've been really trying to leave those bad driving habits behind and not be an shiny happy person behind the wheel. There is no reason for that kind of behaviour.

In reply to Boost_Crazy :

Something similar happened in my neighborhood in Wisconsin shortly before I moved to California. A well-liked local public school teacher (IIRC) escalated a road rage incident and was shot dead by the other person in broad daylight.

Whenever there is some kind of slight towards me in public I always remember that I have no idea how much crazier the other person is than I am, and just take a couple deep breaths and let it go. People who live a life full of constant anger and conflict escalation are living in their own hell with some kind of deep inner turmoil going on, and it's not my responsibility to get involved in their bad day/week/year/life to teach them a lesson.

(Side note: spending a lot of time on social media conflict/argument generators like Facebook is a great way to feel stressed out, on edge, and wanting to scream at someone pretty much all the time. Disconnecting from 95% of social media a few years ago did wonders for my mental health.)

stanger_mussle (Supported by GRM undergarments) said:

You know what helped me? Moving from urban Florida to rural New Mexico where the pace of life is a crawl compared to before.

But that's not to say that I didn't bring the Florida driving mentality with me.

Full confession: I still drive aggressively sometimes. It's like defaulting back to Florida mode. I've been making a conscious effort to just slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the drive. I don't have to drive everywhere like my hair is on fire. For example, I was driving my Tahoe PPV to work. My commute is 11 miles with 85% of it on a rural 2 lane state highway. It's a 55mph speed limit but the local traffic either does 65 or 50. I come up on this newish Ford Super Duty doing 52-54mph. There are a lot of farmers and ranchers in the area and they usually just kinda poke along. So this irritates me and I start tailgating them. They slow down even more and move to the right, onto the fog line. I pass them aggressively and haul ass until my next turn.

Well I get to work and a little while later I was conversing with my coworker. She was telling me about this shiny happy person in a white Tahoe that was tailgating her. She thought it was a cop so she slowed down because she thought she was about to be pulled over.

I was mortified. She is the sweetest person and I was driving like a total dick.

That was my moment of realization. I've been really trying to leave those bad driving habits behind and not be an shiny happy person behind the wheel. There is no reason for that kind of behaviour.

I appreciate your post here because I feel like I'm the New Mexico driver in urban Florida where I live now lol. Not that I'm intentionally going slow, but I'm a speed limit driver, sometimes 5mph above. Around here in the Philly region, a lot of people tend to take offense to driving how I do.

I will say, I live a decent distance from the city, have been here all my life but the remote work stuff definitely brought people here from more dense urban areas who are more used to aggressive driving styles. So I've noticed an uptick in the last few years compared to before. Again, no fault of the area, and sure I can "adapt" and become more aggressive, but its not worth it to me.

I will say, I'm *hoping* Central PA people are maybe more like the New Mexico folks, as I have it in my future plans to head out that way since I love being in more rural settings, but I have to take some visits out there. The Philly region will still be unavoidable unfortunately since most of my family and friends are here, but maybe residing among people more my speed on the road can at least remove one factor...hopefully. Regardless, thats not my only reason for moving out that direction of course, but its one of many. We'll see. Maybe I should be in the Midwest instead... :D

pointofdeparture said:

In reply to Boost_Crazy :

Something similar happened in my neighborhood in Wisconsin shortly before I moved to California. A well-liked local public school teacher (IIRC) escalated a road rage incident and was shot dead by the other person in broad daylight.

Whenever there is some kind of slight towards me in public I always remember that I have no idea how much crazier the other person is than I am, and just take a couple deep breaths and let it go. People who live a life full of constant anger and conflict escalation are living in their own hell with some kind of deep inner turmoil going on, and it's not my responsibility to get involved in their bad day/week/year/life to teach them a lesson.

(Side note: spending a lot of time on social media conflict/argument generators like Facebook is a great way to feel stressed out, on edge, and wanting to scream at someone pretty much all the time. Disconnecting from 95% of social media a few years ago did wonders for my mental health.)

You're not wrong! I did the same as you with the exception of Facebook because of Marketplace and vehicle specific groups.