I was just asked for my daughter's hand

Seems to me, if your daughter is with a piece of crap, you shouldn't be waiting for said fecal matter to ask for her hand to kick him to the curb.

edit...le sigh...the things Id like to say...

aussiesmg wrote: " I was just asked for my daughter's hand" Didn't he want the rest of her?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9C2v1oLXQo

DaveEstey wrote: Seems to me, if your daughter is with a piece of crap, you shouldn't be waiting for said fecal matter to ask for her hand to kick him to the curb.

We didn't have a clue it had progressed this far. And while he's apparently not a pile of fecal matter we don't know a lot about him.

The best bad guys appear as good guys. How many times have you heard the neighbors, family and friend say something like this about a serial killer? "He/She was the nicest person" "You'd never have guessed"

I can see if you don't know the guy that much, that his asking would provide a measure of comfort.

DaveEstey wrote: I can see if you don't know the guy that much, that his asking would provide a measure of comfort.

Definitely and it has opened the door for us to ask for more info. Fortunately daughter is headed to L.A. for some action scenes shooting tomorrow and she'll be gone for a week which means he can come over here and sit down and talk.

I asked my wife's dad and mom. Figured it was the gentlemanly thing to do. Her dad sat down with me, opened a beer and said, "Boy, do you know what you're getting yourself into? You realize marriage is a compromise. You have things you want to do your way, she has things she wants to do her way. You have to make it work out."

I said, "And when all else fails, you do it her way. Right?"

He said, "You'll do fine. Welcome to the family."

I am not the type who would ask for a father's permission to marry his daughter. That being said, the odds of me even getting along with a girl who came from a family that expected that kind of thing are so far from likely that I didn't have to worry about it.

Like so many things, it comes down to background and culture. As for being right or wrong, I figure if we wait another 30 years and see what young people getting married for the first time are doing then, we'll have our answer.

I would think by the time you go to ask SWMBO if she wants to get hitched, you'd have a pretty good idea if asking her family's permission is appreciated or not.

I don't see it as sexist, but a matter of respect. Then again, I've been written up at an old job for calling a woman, "Ma'am" and was told a few months ago by a rather rude woman I was holding the door for that she could, "open her own berkeleyin' door, THANKS."

oldtin wrote:

I tell them that with a little twist...

I have a 12 gauge, a shovel, and 50 acres for them to try to find you... Remember that when you're out with my baby girl.

Racer1ab wrote: I don't see it as sexist, but a matter of respect. Then again, I've been written up at an old job for calling a woman, "Ma'am" and was told a few months ago by a rather rude woman I was holding the door for that she could, "open her own berkeleyin' door, THANKS."

+1.

FYI, correct response to the door issue: "Ma'am, I did not open the door because you are a woman. I opened it because I am a gentleman."

I sat down with the in-laws and did the whole song and dance. As others have noted, its a courtesy, nothing more.

MIL tried to talk me out of it, FIL tried to get her to be quiet, I think he finally saw his way out of always having to take care of her. I shoulda taken better notes ;)

Racer1ab wrote: I don't see it as sexist, but a matter of respect.

Respect for men...?

I didn't see the need. My wife and I were both adults with our own lives and professional jobs by the time we got engaged. It wasn't like we were straight off the farm and still in high school. I'm glad her parents liked me, but that was far from a requirement. We had OUR lives to look forward too and I definitely didn't feel the need to ask permission for anything. That being said I still open doors for my wife 8 years later and we have a very good relationship with both sides of the family, so for you other guys that didn't ask.....don't worry it isn't the end of the world lol.

I have to be honest I didn't ask my soon to be FIL but SWMBO and I had been dating for 7 years and I pretty much knew how her family felt about me (they like me) plus there was the whole distance thing from them thing.

It's not a permission thing. It's not a women are property thing. It's an acknowledgement that you intend to alter his family, and would like to do so on good terms.

IIRC, I didn't ask permission, at least not in the traditional sense. I think my words were "I'd like to ask your daughter to marry me, and I'd like to do so with your blessing."

I never asked my FIL. Granted, he doesn't speak english and I speak very broken chinese, so I'm pretty sure the conversation wouldn't have been that funny, memorable, or important to begin with...

golfduke wrote: I never asked my FIL. Granted, he doesn't speak english and I speak very broken chinese, so I'm pretty sure the conversation wouldn't have been that funny, memorable, or important to begin with...

My son has that exact same problem to work around in a few months. For some reason he's not allowed to ask yet and if he doesn't ask then all hell is supposed to break loose.

He would have asked anyway but there's some sort of protocol with the Chinese that must be followed too.

SWMBO's dad passed away when she was little, so it was just MIL. Funnily enough, she was there when we "met" and took us out for dinner. Apparently she told SWMBO that we'd "make good babies!".

I joke that if we ever get divorced her mom would keep me and toss her.

All kidding aside, I think it's actually kind of classy to ask the parent's permission, and the punk that goes for my daughter damn well better.

DILYSI Dave wrote: It's not a permission thing. It's not a women are property thing. It's an acknowledgement that you intend to alter his family, and would like to do so on good terms.

Sorry. That might be what you tell yourself, but if that were the case, why is it him you should be asking? Oh right, because it is a holdover from all those things that you're pretending it's not about.

You're not just altering his family. Your altering her family, her mother's family, and who knows who else's family. And yet it's him you have to ask or it's disrespectful? BullE36 M3. You said it yourself, your asking because it's his family. See? Property. Or at least the holdovers of such.

If we presume the bride is going to be asked at some point (otherwise we're into something else entirely) and if you want to revise it to you should probably ask her parents... that's a whole different kettle of fish. And is a stance I mostly agree with, with some reservations for individual circumstances. But funnily enough few of the people sticking up for the tradition have said any such thing.

By asking the Dad you are also asking the Mom. Do you think for even an instant any Dad would dare stick their necks out that far without checking with Mom?

In this case we were up on the attic doing some work and her Mom was downstairs talking to her so it wasn't feasible to ask and still have a big elaborate, rent a private club type of "ask the question" thing later.

We've sent him a long email (so it's in writing and he can't side step things - should he be a mind to) detailing our blind spots. I won't say reservations because we didn't see this coming anywhere near this soon and therefore hadn't gone out of our way to corner the guy and grill him. Oh, it wouldn't have felt like a grilling, but it would have been. We'd have also made sure to meet his family.

Basically we're asking him to sell us on why we should "bless" this rather than just go along with it. It'll be good for both sides. I'm sure his mom is just as concerned and has some of the same questions we have.

Duke wrote:

aussiesmg wrote: " I was just asked for my daughter's hand" Didn't he want the rest of her?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9C2v1oLXQo

Is it bad that I didn't have to click the link to know what video it would be? I was clearly raised in a strange way to know that song before the age of 6.

In reply to LopRacer:

Not strange to me; I knew all the words to That Was The Year That Was as a kid. Then again I could sing the whole first side of The Mothers' We're Only In It For The Money by age 7 or so... and I could still do that after not having heard the album for almost 10 years. Freaked my high school art teacher right the hell out.

I would think by the time you go to ask SWMBO if she wants to get hitched, you'd have a pretty good idea if asking her family's permission is appreciated or not.

You missed my point. It is very likely I would've broken up with somebody if they came from a family that had a person in it that expected that. I don't want in-laws like that, and I'm certain they would not have liked me as a family member, either.

For the record, my wife and I have been together for almost 15 years. We got married at the courthouse. We didn't invite anybody, we just did it. I get along great with her family, she gets along great with mine. Granted, neither one of our families is quite sure of the other to this day (she is a country girl from rural North Carolina, I'm a danged Yankee from New York), but it works well for us.

mtn wrote:

Racer1ab wrote: I don't see it as sexist, but a matter of respect. Then again, I've been written up at an old job for calling a woman, "Ma'am" and was told a few months ago by a rather rude woman I was holding the door for that she could, "open her own berkeleyin' door, THANKS."

+1. FYI, correct response to the door issue: "Ma'am, I did not open the door because you are a woman. I opened it because I am a gentleman."

Wow, I can't believe I missed these posts first time around. That happened to me just a few days ago. It's in the "Minor Rants" thread.

Aside to Brett Murphy: I really think it's a cultural thing. I really wouldn't have minded if my future SonIL hadn't asked, but he felt like he had to. I then felt the cultural responsibility to make the experience worth his while..