If you need an ear, a shoulder to cry on, or feel out of control, speak up.

Last week I lost a dear friend who was incredibly close to me since high school when he decides to take his own life. He came from what seemed to be an incredibly previliged background, with a father who's worth just shy of a billion, yes with a B, dollars (co founder of controlled demolition, 99% of building implosions that you've ever seen video of is their work). His father has demons with alcohol and domestic violence. He was very controlling of Jason, who had his own demons as they pertained to substance abuse. His father attempted to control who Jason maintained relationships with and who he contacted, destroying his support network in the process. Undermining his sense of control has he entered his mid 30s and many of his friends had grown distant due to family obligations, leaving him feeling alone and without control.

Though Jason never got involved in Motorsports, something that I feel could've changed his life for the positive, he was a car guy through and through. We did some pretty extraordinary and stupid things in high school in his 5.0 foxbody and my 440 Challenger, including seeing who would hit a Hillcrest the fastest that had a warning sign stating, warning sharp Hillcrest, safe speed 15mph. That often led to carrying in excess of 80ft of distance in the air prior to landing, and replacing a lot of mustang rear axles. We did powerslides in empty parking lots before drifting was a term that was known stateside. We laughed, we had irresponsible fun in a matter that wasn't self destructive and did so because it was fun, and not in an effort to impress anyone.

In November Jason tore his shoulder labrum, an injury that I know all too well, but also one that happened to have saved my life. I worried about how he would recover post surgery, one due to the isolation it creates and 2 due to the massive amounts of opioid painkillers prescribed during the lengthy recovery process. In May Jason suffered a setback, retearing the labrum, a setback that would require a second surgery. A setback I had also had, a setback I was prepared to ride through with him. His father took the setback as a attempt on his part to obtain scripts for more painkillers. He had lost control of his body, which if it wasn't bad enough, had already already betrayed him.

So if you ever need an ear, a shoulder, to cry, to have listen, to vent to. No matter how bleak. Speak up. As small and petty as the solutions may seem, we'll find something that you can control that isn't a means to an end.

https://youtu.be/F_v1SLIt01Q

I am so sorry for your loss Cap'n. Thanks for sharing his story with us. I chuckled at the hillcrest as I did similar things when I was young and invincible. Godspeed Jason.

Sorry about Jason man. I'd also be happy to give a listen to anyone who wanted to unload or just needed to vent.

So sorry for your loss.

Man. That sucks.

Problem is, people do this because they feel isolated and like they can't reach out. 99 times out of 100, they absolutely could reach out to pretty much any of their friends who really do care and would want to help. But they don't feel like they can.

That leaves those of us who are those friends wondering if something is wrong or not. And if something is wrong, what to say and how to say it. Chances are, you're afraid to put someone on the spot or make them feel uncomfortable. But you can't just say, "Hey man, how's it going?" or even, "Everything alright?" because they'll just deflect because they feel like they can't actually talk about it.

I dunno man. It sucks. If I knew how to actually effectively deal with these sorts of situations, I'd be a lot wealthier than I am. I do know it's not your fault.

In reply to captdownshift:

I can't express how sorry I am. I lost one of my best, oldest friends (since middle school) last year.

Within our larger group of friends who all skateboarded, played in bands together, etc., we always had sort of an unspoken bond/understanding of our issues with depression and anxiety that the other dudes couldn't really relate to. We were also the only two in the group who were REALLY into cars. Before the whole "JDM" craze, Mike had a 1st gen crx that was more "show" than "go," but we had a ton of fun in that car, and wrenched on each other's cars frequently.

A few years ago, he and his wife moved up here (North Georgia) from South Florida, and I was so stoked to have one of my best buds so close.

Unfortunately, due to work/family/life, I wasn't able to hang out as often as I would've liked to. Meanwhile, he had a hard time finding steady work up here, which really bummed him out as a "man's man."

He finally landed a gig transporting old folks to and from the hospital/doctors appointments, which often landed him here in Blue Ridge with time to kill. While I was always happy to see him, I know there were multiple times when he came by the shop, and I subtly had to let him know I was too busy to "shoot the E36 M3." I'll never stop regretting that.

A couple months before he took his own life, we played golf together and partied for his birthday. He'd been having trouble at home, and was having serious issues with depression. I begged him to see a shrink...even offered to pay. He finally did, and was prescribed anti-depressants, which, according to him, really "leveled him out," but as hard as I pushed him, he wouldn't go TALK to a Psychologist after that.

A couple weeks before his suicide, he called me (almost) in tears. I was working on a huge project that night, but dropped what I was doing and listened for a couple hours. The only real "advice" I could offer was talking to a psychologist...and if he didn't like that one, find another, and another, until he found one that worked.

One evening, I got a really weird group text message from him; one that only went out to only our closest circle of friends. Based on some of the goofy responses, I was the only one who read this as a "cry for help."

I called him...and called, and called, and left voicemails, and sent text messages begging him to come stay at our house for as long as he'd like, or I'd drive up his way and we'd hit the bar, grab a hotel room and talk it out. No response.

I finally called his wife. I don't want to go into all the details on a forum, but he took his life that night.

The regret I still feel is sometimes crippling. I should've been a better friend. I should've made the stupid 1-hour drive that night and started looking for him, instead of eventually going to bed at 1AM thinking "Surely, I'll get a call in the middle of the night, or a text in the morning, saying 'everything is okay'"

While the regrets will ALWAYS be there, the one bit of advice that I got that I keep having to remind myself of, is that once someone makes that decision to take his or her own life, there's nothing anyone else can do to stop it.

My heart literally aches for you. If there's anything I can do to help, PLEASE let me know. You can email me at mike@(website in my sig) and I'd be GLAD to send you my phone number.

Hang in there in the meantime.

Mike

Beer Baron wrote: Man. That sucks. Problem is, people do this because they feel isolated and like they can't reach out. 99 times out of 100, they absolutely could reach out to pretty much any of their friends who really do care and would want to help. But they don't *feel* like they can. That leaves those of us who are those friends wondering if something is wrong or not. And if something is wrong, what to say and how to say it. Chances are, you're afraid to put someone on the spot or make them feel uncomfortable. But you can't just say, "Hey man, how's it going?" or even, "Everything alright?" because they'll just deflect because they feel like they can't actually talk about it. I dunno man. It sucks. If I knew how to actually effectively deal with these sorts of situations, I'd be a lot wealthier than I am. I do know it's not your fault.

Also, this ^^^ 100%

Having worked on a crisis hotline and been a trainer for said hotline, don't be afraid to ask if they are thinking of hurting themselves. Sometimes that's all that's needed to start the conversation and determine what stage they are at. The key things are a plan, the means and the opportunity. Some of the common signs of an imminent attempt suddenly being upbeat, giving away things to friends/family, calling and sounding as if they are saying goodbye. All any of us can do is be a friend and offer support. My thoughts and prayers go out to all who have had to deal with this.

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I have seen both sides of the depression problem lately. There are times that I just do not want to talk to any person, other times I need to talk to a stranger and sometimes a friend. The grm family has helped me very much this summer and continues to do so, thanks again for everything . If I can ever be of assistance to any of you, please let me know.

Condolences on the loss of your friend. I hope you find a way to make peace with his decision.

Coming from the side that feels like it is always on you, it's not easy.You feel like your "problems" are not as bad as others. You don't think your issues are special. Other people are going through worse. Etc. etc. etc. we make excuses, we deflect because we don't want to burden those near us with our "trivial crap".

I'm extremely blessed to have found a partner in my life that sees what is going on and pushes me to reach out. 8 years ago she urged me to talk to the doctor about it. He listened, then recommended a good shrink who worked with me for almost a year to get myself right.

There are those that decry the benefit of medicine in the world of depression. I can tell you that without it, I can't function in a way I want.... or need. It's a medical issue, a chemical imbalance that requires treatment. Some can be treated with exercise, and daylight. Others (myself included) require chemical help.

Capt, know that this was a personal struggle for your friend. One that he could no longer take. All you can ever do is be there for when they decide to reach out. Be supportive. Be a friend. That's all any of us can ever do. I am still sorry for your loss. While I can't fathom going that far, I can understand how a person can get to that point. Doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us though.

Condolences. Having never myself been really, really depressed, I can't directly relate, but I have stopped someone from taking their life. That is an incredibly scary thing, and it still is terrifyingly baffling to me that I happened to be there. I hope no one has to go through even that, but not nearly as much as I hope no one ever has to go through what you, and poopshocel are going through.

Also, just an aside: the money really doesn't matter. And sometimes, all the love and support doesn't matter either. There are always unknown pressures. just be there and hope you recognize when someone needs a hand.

EDIT: I've thought that if I won the lottery, I'm not sure I'd tell my wife how much. Not because I want to keep a secret, but because I think it would cause her undue stress.

mtn wrote: Having never myself been really, really depressed,

Wish it was that simple, but more and more suicides do not suffer from long-term, severe depression. You think someone is struggling, even a little bit, engage.

mtn wrote: EDIT: I've thought that if I won the lottery, I'm not sure I'd tell my wife how much. Not because I want to keep a secret, but because I think it would cause her undue stress.

There is something to be said for that. Money can't buy happiness, although it can make misery more tolerable. Until it doesn't.

Sorry for your loss Captn. And poopshovel as well. Sometimes there just isn't anything anyone can do.

In reply to Bobzilla:

Man, thank you for posting this.