Joke of the day

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…
- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty.
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them that I was suicidal, they all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Why are there no pharmacies in Ethiopia???

Because it is ill advised to take medicine on an empty stomach

Paddy says to Mick – “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.  

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. 

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.” 

Mick asks – “So what are you going to do this year?.” 

Paddy replies, -“ I’ll take her with me!” 

Be patient, it's a visual joke:

We were at a wedding, the reception is winding down and 6 or 8 of us standing in a circle, everyone's jovial.  Dave turned slightly and without being seen,  slipped his right arm out of his jacket sleeve and lowered his zipper about an inch.

He tuned back to the group and carried on.  A few minutes later he asks "Hey, ya know how a one arm man counts his change?"

Dave put his left hand into his pants pocket and pulled out some coins, then put the  hand near the bottom of his zipper.  Next thing; his right pointy finger pops out of the zipper and starts flicking through the money!  Everyone cracked up, except his wife who belted him SO hard!

My son asked me why I make noises when I get out from under the car and stand up off the creeper.
I told him it's because I'm a groan man. 

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.

The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.

The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat.

So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours but, when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

In reply to Jehannum :

In reply to nderwater :

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. 

He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. 

She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. 

He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. 

The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. 

When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?"

He replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

I hate you guys.

Those are the two best jokes in this thread

Police investigator was speaking with a woman whose third husband had just passed away...

"How did your first husband die?"  The woman responded, "Poison".

"Huh.  And how did your second husband die?"  "Poison".

"Oh my.  Your third husband has died from blunt force trauma".

"That's  because he wouldn't drink the poison!"

I once mistook a trebuchet for a park bench.

It was the long wooden seat that threw me.

Not really a joke but a real I thought I had today.

Farts are lighter than air.  So when you fart, do you gain or lose weight?

There was once a king who ruled over a small island in the Pacific.

His kingdom was small, but his subjects were the happiest people in the world, content and healthy and without a want or care in their rich lives. Word of this king spread worldwide, and all the nation's leaders came to this island to learn from him and take home his wisdom. It didn't escape notice that the king sat on the dirt in his thatch roofed hut, and a chair was fashioned and gifted to the king out of gratitude. Not wanting to be outdone, every nation sent increasingly elaborate chairs for him to sit on.

Overwhelmed with furniture, the king had a second story built in his simple bamboo hut to store all these chairs. One night, the floor collapsed and the king was crushed to death in his sleep. The world wept, and at his funeral, it was proclaimed that people who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.