My best friend is gone.

Because Jed thinks I'll feel better after I get this out somewhere other than FB...

Sunday night my best friend said goodbye. But I didn't know she was saying goodbye. Yesterday morning I woke up to news from another very very very close friend that she had spoken with best friend's husband and best friend was gone.

She couldn't take living with the aftermath of her life of abuse anymore. She had had enough. She needed peace. And now she's gone. Her 5 kids have lost their star. Her friends have lost their songbird.

I had to call a hotline myself last night. Not because I was a risk to myself, but because I just can't process this. I've never lost anyone to mental illness before. I've never had someone knowingly say goodbye to me. For the last time. I was one of the last people she contacted.

I'm beating myself up because I didn't call her, even though I knew her text was weird. I didn't call. I texted her back asking if she was ok. A text she never opened. It's just sitting there with 'delivered' under it. Logically I know I couldn't have changed the outcome, but my emotions are blocking logic right now.

I know I'm not alone, but this is a first for me. Tell me why it hurts so much more than any other loss?

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you texted her back, she knew. She would have heard the message, just as she would have heard a phone call. She didn't read the message, so she wouldn't have answered the call. Mental illness is a heavy burden to bear, and once someone decides they're not going to do it anymore, there's nothing that can be done. This hurts more because it's grief mixed with guilt. You're worried that calling would have saved her. She wasn't going to be saved unless she wanted to be. Focus on the happy memories you had with your friend, cherish that even in her darkest moment she thought of you, and hope that she's happier now.

Morbid wrote: I know I'm not alone, but this is a first for me. Tell me why it hurts so much more than any other loss?

Because you think you could have done something about it.

I dunno why, but this situation reminds me of a scene in "Goodwill Hunting" when Matt Damon's character is being told repeatedly by Robin Williams's - "it's not your fault". Eventually Matt breaks down.

I know the situation is not nearly the same. But it's not your fault. Or in other words, I'm not sure there was anything you could have done.... Sorry to hear that.

Hang in there.

I'm sure she decided she wasn't going to answer any calls or texts that came in before she started sending out goodbye messages. You might not have been the first or only person to try to respond either. She probably left the people most likely to respond to last.

KatieSuddard wrote: I'm so sorry for your loss. If you texted her back, she knew. She would have heard the message, just as she would have heard a phone call. She didn't read the message, so she wouldn't have answered the call. Mental illness is a heavy burden to bear, and once someone decides they're not going to do it anymore, there's nothing that can be done. This hurts more because it's grief mixed with guilt. You're worried that calling would have saved her. She wasn't going to be saved unless she wanted to be. Focus on the happy memories you had with your friend, cherish that even in her darkest moment she thought of you, and hope that she's happier now.

This sums it up quite perfectly.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully she is at peace now and not suffering whatever tormented her.

i've been there and sadly there's nothing that can be done once someone makes their mind up. what makes things worse is the anger that will come with it. I've never forgiven Tom or Vish. They both had their own demons and issues, but to me their decisions were selfish. Tom got me into riding and organized our trips to Daytona. I sold my bike after he took his life and haven't ridden since. Dealing with an abusive situation would be completely different though.

A friend once told me though regarding illness, and it pertains to mental illness as well, that what defines whether or not we beat the illness isn't determined by whether or not we live or die, but rather how we choose to live.

How many of her other friends do you know? Would it be possible to champion a support group, shelter or group for abuse victims in her honor?

I'm in the somewhat unique position where every day is a bonus for me. I'd give up everything, except for my family and dogs for another 12 months. But I can see understand in some rare situations things getting to that point.

so sorry to hear this …

it hurts on a personal level because in some ways it feels like a direct insult to you.

this person apparently, for whatever reason, ultimately decided that the weight of the good things in their life did not tip the scales enough.

and that hurts if you believed yourself to be a good thing in their life. it is natural to feel a little more than slighted, but sometimes its hard to identify swirling in the sense of loss and the empathy you feel to other people who are also affected now.

at the same time, its a great arrogance that we all feel that we would have made a difference, that we would have had any power at all. There is nothing in what you've shared that categorically would have made a difference short of being with them the entire time, but sometimes we feel the need to take ownership of it in a way that is simply impossible.

your best bet, as is anyone's who is "left behind" is to focus on the living from here. especially those kids.

I'm sorry for your loss. We all have to die eventually, but why can't everyone pass away peacefully in their sleep?

I'm so sorry to hear this and it hits especially close as I am currently trying to help someone very close to me with similar demons ....

I'm sorry for your loss, sincerely. I wish I had something to add to Katie's excellent post, but I honestly don't. My condolences to you and your friend's family.

Very sorry for your loss!

I'm sorry for your loss. What we fail to see sometimes is that mental illness is in fact, an illness. Sometimes it wins. Sometimes the pain in life gets too much for us to process, we lose hope and take what we perceive as the only way to make the pain end. The question of "if only I'd", is not one you can genuinely answer. You cannot hold yourself responsible for the decisions of someone else. Celebrate her life, not the manner in which it ended.

Very sorry for you loss.

There is a lot of wisdom on this thread. Please listen to it and internalize it as much as you can when you can. Be kind and patient with yourself. Please also remember you are not alone in this. Jed obviously cares about you and this extended community does too.

Sorry for your loss. A close family member ended things on their terms, I can relate. The long and short is that it just plain sucks hard for those left behind, but what I took away is that you can't help someone who has already made up their mind to hurt themselves, regardless of substance abuse, mental illness, etc.

Keep your chin up.

Very sorry to hear about your loss.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you are as impressed as I am with some of the responses in this thread. I feel for her children who are left behind wondering what they did or why they weren't good enough, but some of the posts here make me glad to be a small part of this group. I hope they provide you some comfort as well.

Sorry for your loss. Sometimes there really is literally nothing you can do

In reply to Morbid:

There is no shame in getting professional help in a situation like this. It can help you heal faster and as you put it process what has happened.

I am sorry you have to go through somthing like this. I can not add to what others have said other than to reiterate that we are here for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It really hurts now but it will get better; I went through something similar many years ago when a very good friend took his own life. To this day, I still wonder if I could have done something more than I did but I no longer shoulder any blame; I finally realized it was his decision and had nothing to do with me.

Sorry to hear. I've been hearing about this kind of E36 M3 way too much recently.

We appreciate the kind words, everyone.

Sorry for your loss, this kind of thing happens way too often and unfortunately I've lost 2 this way as well.

Sorry for your loss. I've known a couple of people who did this.