My time to vent

SWMBO’s oldest son got fired about a year and a half ago. He’s 40 with 3 daughters and a wife.

The reason he got fired is he got tired of his IT job and spent too much of his time on his daughters.  He really is a good father.  

One daughter  is really talented! Like the Olympics  are looking at her talented. She’s only 12 but plays with the high school varsity.  Intelligent too. On the honor roll at school. 

He makes sure the other daughters aren’t overlooked and doing all that plus getting the oldest daughter equipment, training, coaches for her sport distracted him. 

Enough excuses. Since getting fired he’s tried to make it on his own.  Cleaning and re-keying Foreclosed homes.  Cleaning an office building, driving Uber  etc.  Doing odd jobs  to bring in dough. 

It’s  not enough!   His wife has a decent government job but as you know that doesn’t pay very well.  

They aren’t extravagant. A big night out is going to Mc Donald’s and ordering off the dollar menu.  But going to sporting events has it’s cost, day care for the youngest,  modest size home in a modest neighborhood.  Older used cars they are making payments on.  

In other words life.  SWMBO helps!  Too much. She drained her 401k and now is draining the money she set aside for our wedding.   Couple of times a month there is a crisis.  shutting off utilities, foreclosing on the house, repo the cars.  

It’s her money, only rarely do I donate the odd $20-40  and only when all my bills are paid!   I refuse to get sucked into that money hole.  

SWMBO has repeatedly said that’s it.  She’s acquired debt she didn’t have taking care of him and his family.  

But the three girls would suffer so badly.  Obviously the only chance for college is the sport for the oldest.  And maybe the middle.  

Renting would cost more than their house payment. And there is next to nothing in their food budget.  

She's not helping, she is enabling. And not in a good way. 

You probably can't change her mind though. You can only stand by and watch the train crash. 

Good luck.

What did the SIL do in IT?  I've seen a fairly steady need for "on call" IT services for small businesses that can't really afford or justify a full-time person.  

They sound like a good candidate for a Saturn with a E36 M3 load of miles..... 

Just because their parents can't foot the bill for college doesn't mean that sports are the only option. There will be plenty of options for a well rounded honor roll student from a family struggling financially. Tons of need based financial aid is available. Academic scholarships are very real. They can take out loans for the rest like the vast majority of other college students. Don't let thinking about their college add to an already stressful situation.

Ian F said:

What did the SIL do in IT?  I've seen a fairly steady need for "on call" IT services for small businesses that can't really afford or justify a full-time person.  

Please realize I’m a complete Luddite when it comes to computers so I’m only parroting this. 

Something about Sequel server ?  Don’t even know if that’s how it’s spelled. 

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis thing but he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

Toyman01 said:

She's not helping, she is enabling. And not in a good way. 

You probably can't change her mind though. You can only stand by and watch the train crash. 

Good luck.

You hit that nail on the head.  It’s her son that got the short stick in the divorce 20 + years ago. So she feels guilty. 

frenchyd said:

Ian F said:

What did the SIL do in IT?  I've seen a fairly steady need for "on call" IT services for small businesses that can't really afford or justify a full-time person.  

Please realize I’m a complete Luddite when it comes to computers so I’m only parroting this. 

Something about Sequel server ?  Don’t even know if that’s how it’s spelled. 

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis thing but he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

SQL server, has to do with a lot of databases and stuff. I'm in IT, but not very knowledgeable in that area. Pretty sure if you're good at SQL you can make some good money. 

It really just seems like he needs to get back into it and provide for the family, even if he's tired of that line of work or whatever. Supporting a family isn't easy, but it's gotta be done. Step up and do it! Right? Just my $.02, but I'm young so what do I know. 

frenchyd said:

 

he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

Not bashing him here, but sometimes being a good father means doing things you don't like. Part of being a good parent means providing for your family.

I worked a job that I hated for 27 years to provide for my family. I mean like sick to my stomach feeling everyday when I walked in the place. If I were in his shoes, I would take the job I hated if I couldn't find anything else, but would still be looking for something that would pay the bills that I didn't hate in the meantime.

At 40 years old, it's time for mom to cut the cord.

I wish you all the best of luck.

STM317 said:

Just because their parents can't foot the bill for college doesn't mean that sports are the only option. There will be plenty of options for a well rounded honor roll student from a family struggling financially. Tons of need based financial aid is available. Academic scholarships are very real. They can take out loans for the rest like the vast majority of other college students. Don't let thinking about their college add to an already stressful situation.

She’s  Really good though and has Olympic coaches looking at her.  They wanted her out in Denver for practice and training but that didn’t happen because of money.  

 She loves the sport and is good enough at another for her to maybe get a scholarship, but neither will happen until he gets a real job.  

They foreclose on the house and we are the only ones with room but that takes her away from all the friends and family she and her sisters grew up with.  

All new schools for everyone?  Longer commute for the wife?  ( at least an extra hour) 

 Plus it would be a major adjustment on our part.  7 people where previously only 2 lived?  

AWSX1686 said:

frenchyd said:

Ian F said:

What did the SIL do in IT?  I've seen a fairly steady need for "on call" IT services for small businesses that can't really afford or justify a full-time person.  

Please realize I’m a complete Luddite when it comes to computers so I’m only parroting this. 

Something about Sequel server ?  Don’t even know if that’s how it’s spelled. 

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis thing but he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

SQL server, has to do with a lot of databases and stuff. I'm in IT, but not very knowledgeable in that area. Pretty sure if you're good at SQL you can make some good money. 

Agreed - I work in that area (although my specialty right now is a competing product) and there should be enough work, including freelance or part time, to make a meaningful contribution to the household budget. That said, if he's burned out on the job (which I can understand, been close myself earlier this year), I can see why he left the field. Plus it's often a job where the working hours start at 24/7 and then go up from there.

OTOH, in my book, not living under a bridge beats spending with one's family, if that really are the only two choices.

Toyman01 said:

She's not helping, she is enabling. And not in a good way. 

You probably can't change her mind though. You can only stand by and watch the train crash. 

Good luck.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.  The main difference is it was our son.    

frenchyd said:

SWMBO’s oldest son got fired about a year and a half ago. He’s 40 with 3 daughters and a wife.

The reason he got fired is he got tired of his IT job and spent too much of his time on his daughters.  He really is a good father.  

One daughter  is really talented! Like the Olympics  are looking at her talented. She’s only 12 but plays with the high school varsity.  Intelligent too. On the honor roll at school. 

He makes sure the other daughters aren’t overlooked and doing all that plus getting the oldest daughter equipment, training, coaches for her sport distracted him. 

Enough excuses. Since getting fired he’s tried to make it on his own.  Cleaning and re-keying Foreclosed homes.  Cleaning an office building, driving Uber  etc.  Doing odd jobs  to bring in dough. 

It’s  not enough!   His wife has a decent government job but as you know that doesn’t pay very well.  

They aren’t extravagant. A big night out is going to Mc Donald’s and ordering off the dollar menu.  But going to sporting events has it’s cost, day care for the youngest,  modest size home in a modest neighborhood.  Older used cars they are making payments on.  

In other words life.  SWMBO helps!  Too much. She drained her 401k and now is draining the money she set aside for our wedding.   Couple of times a month there is a crisis.  shutting off utilities, foreclosing on the house, repo the cars.  

It’s her money, only rarely do I donate the odd $20-40  and only when all my bills are paid!   I refuse to get sucked into that money hole.  

SWMBO has repeatedly said that’s it.  She’s acquired debt she didn’t have taking care of him and his family.  

But the three girls would suffer so badly.  Obviously the only chance for college is the sport for the oldest.  And maybe the middle.  

Renting would cost more than their house payment. And there is next to nothing in their food budget.  

Sounds like you are on the road to having two homeless families and working until you drop dead, only for them to be homeless after that. He needs to get back into a real job. Bravo for him being a great Dad, but being homeless isn't exactly a trade-off to do it.

STM317 said:

Just because their parents can't foot the bill for college doesn't mean that sports are the only option. There will be plenty of options for a well rounded honor roll student from a family struggling financially. Tons of need based financial aid is available. Academic scholarships are very real. They can take out loans for the rest like the vast majority of other college students. Don't let thinking about their college add to an already stressful situation.

^ This ^. I get so tired of hearing people say I can't afford to go to college. There are so many avenues. Sports scholarships are a very small portion of those. My son is entering his senior year of college, and has been a three year starter on the baseball team. He gets a partial. It's D2 so the team has 8 scholarships to give. 35 kids on the team. Nobody gets a full ride, some partials, and some get nothing. He actually gets more money for academics. Grades are super important. My daughter has half her tuition paid because of good grades. Keep in mind none of what they get is need based. There are lots of scholarships for poor families, you just have to go out looking for them. The military is another option. Four years will get you a nice GI bill that will pay for school, and you will learn a trade, discipline, and grow up a whole lot before you get to school. Loans are always available, but frankly they would be my last resort. Finally, please tell anyone you know going to college to get a J-O-B Degree. There are a lot of degrees available that are completely worthless is real life. Get a degree in something that actually has job opportunities after college.

Okay, rant over.

frenchyd said: He really is a good father. 

No he isn't.

frenchyd said:

Ian F said:

What did the SIL do in IT?  I've seen a fairly steady need for "on call" IT services for small businesses that can't really afford or justify a full-time person.  

Please realize I’m a complete Luddite when it comes to computers so I’m only parroting this. 

Something about Sequel server ?  Don’t even know if that’s how it’s spelled. 

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis thing but he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

There is definitely still demand for SQL Server talent.  Even more if you're willing to shift those skills into other areas that are similar like MySQL & Postgres and even Oracle (although that's a slightly farther stretch).  Go way outside your box and learn Mongo or some of the new-agey things and you're really in demand.  A ton of that is even 100% remote work so physical location doesn't really matter as much.

I keep explaining to my children what my father explained to me:  Being an adult means doing things not because it's what you want to do, but because it's what has to be done.  As a husband and a father, you don't get to choose to turn your back on financial security for the family because you don't feel like it or because you don't find it fulfilling.  Job one is taking care of the people who depend on you, period.

It's hard to watch your children flounder, though.  Even more so when you're feeling guilty because you think you might have been the cause.  It's even harder to watch the grandkids flounder since they're really the innocents in the deal.  When it gets hard, just focus on how much you're helping the kids.  Might make it a littler easier of a pill to swallow.

SaltyDog said:

frenchyd said:

 

he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

Not bashing him here, but sometimes being a good father means doing things you don't like. Part of being a good parent means providing for your family.

I worked a job that I hated for 27 years to provide for my family. I mean like sick to my stomach feeling everyday when I walked in the place. If I were in his shoes, I would take the job I hated if I couldn't find anything else, but would still be looking for something that would pay the bills that I didn't hate in the meantime.

At 40 years old, it's time for mom to cut the cord.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

I was going to say the same thing. SQL server folks in Minneapolis (I'm sorta assuming that's where he lives) should be 80k+ easy.

"I don't like work, and I love my daughters mommy, send me more money" /= good dad

In reply to D2W :

Right now BMW is advertising on the radio that they will send you to school to study robotics, pay you while you go, and provide you a job when you finish.  But, you must maintain the grades for all that to succeed. 

When BMW was being built here in the early 1990s, the company I was working for was about to go under due to the recession.   I regret like hell not going to tech school at that time for robotics.     

Robbie said:

SaltyDog said:

frenchyd said:

 

he refuses to get back doing it even though the money would get him out of his troubles. 

Not bashing him here, but sometimes being a good father means doing things you don't like. Part of being a good parent means providing for your family.

I worked a job that I hated for 27 years to provide for my family. I mean like sick to my stomach feeling everyday when I walked in the place. If I were in his shoes, I would take the job I hated if I couldn't find anything else, but would still be looking for something that would pay the bills that I didn't hate in the meantime.

At 40 years old, it's time for mom to cut the cord.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

I was going to say the same thing. SQL server folks in Minneapolis (I'm sorta assuming that's where he lives) should be 80k+ easy.

"I don't like work, and I love my daughters mommy, send me more money" /= good dad

That’s my feelings about the subject too!  Go back to your real job!! Stop trying to be your own boss and earn some Da— money!  

I got my education in the Navy and on the GI bill nights and weekends.  I found it out working 12-14 hours a day driving all over and selling equipment to people who failed to understand basic math.  Equipment = fixed cost labor is a variable.  

I tried twice to run my own business and couldn’t make as much as doing what someone wanted me to do.  Not everyone is boss material. 

Now back to your original problem. I don't care how good of a dad you think he is, you are wrong. A dads job is to make sure his family is taken care of first. Food and shelter, and that means a job. My wife and I did it for years with two kids in sports. We both worked, we both put in extra hours getting kids to practice, coaching, fund raising, and traveling to events. We put a lot of our own life on hold for the kids. We were and are okay with that, wouldn't trade my time with them for anything. Never once did I not think I needed a job. Of course I also would never ask anyone to support me while I was doing those things.

If this girl is as good as you say, the opportunities will come. He doesn't need to be standing by her side 24/7 for that to happen.

The bottom line is this is going to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend. She is just enabling it to happen. It would be different if they just needed temporary help because he couldn't find a job, but he is obviously not looking. It's time to have a sit down with the son, and lay it out. He needs a job.

Man I wish I could get some of these high-paying remote-work SQL jobs. I've never even seen them advertised, personally.

- Guy who works with SQL databases every day for peanuts.

In reply to GameboyRMH :

Apparently usually listed only with head hunters.  Suggest you put your resume on places like Indeed with that qualification clearly noted. 

Head hunters regularly search places like indeed

Toyman01 said:

She's not helping, she is enabling. And not in a good way. 

You probably can't change her mind though. You can only stand by and watch the train crash. 

Good luck.

THIS. All of it.

Still, sorry, Frenchy. It’s a E36 M3 situation, and I hope *your* marriage survives it. Son needs to nut-up and get a steady gig. I love spending time with my wife and kids more than anything in the world, but not at the risk of starving/being homeless.

Also: Plenty of people go to college without financial support from family...or DON’T go to college and still have happy lives/good careers.

Best of luck!

D2W said:

Now back to your original problem. I don't care how good of a dad you think he is, you are wrong. A dads job is to make sure his family is taken care of first. Food and shelter, and that means a job. My wife and I did it for years with two kids in sports. We both worked, we both put in extra hours getting kids to practice, coaching, fund raising, and traveling to events. We put a lot of our own life on hold for the kids. We were and are okay with that, wouldn't trade my time with them for anything. Never once did I not think I needed a job. Of course I also would never ask anyone to support me while I was doing those things.

If this girl is as good as you say, the opportunities will come. He doesn't need to be standing by her side 24/7 for that to happen.

The bottom line is this is going to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend. She is just enabling it to happen. It would be different if they just needed temporary help because he couldn't find a job, but he is obviously not looking. It's time to have a sit down with the son, and lay it out. He needs a job.

Well both agree,  so far I’ve bitten my tongue hoping he puts one too many money requests.  

poopshovel again said:

Toyman01 said:

She's not helping, she is enabling. And not in a good way. 

You probably can't change her mind though. You can only stand by and watch the train crash. 

Good luck.

THIS. All of it.

Still, sorry, Frenchy. It’s a E36 M3 situation, and I hope *your* marriage survives it. Son needs to nut-up and get a steady gig. I love spending time with my wife and kids more than anything in the world, but not at the risk of starving/being homeless.

Also: Plenty of people go to college without financial support from family...or DON’T go to college and still have happy lives/good careers.

Best of luck!

No argument but I’m in a no win situation.  Point this out to her and deal with the aftermath or stand by and watch the train wreck?