Nothing Tears a Family Apart Worse...

Beer Baron wrote:

BoxheadTim wrote: The sad part about this is that it's very likely that the relationship with your father will be permanently damaged by this, no matter what the outcome is. This is really unpleasant and I've been in the same situation with my step dad who I haven't spoken to in a good fifteen years. This is a sad situation but sometimes, you just can't do anything about that.

This is what scares me and bothers me the most.

I really feel for you on that one as I only know too well what it is like. It hurts, no two ways about it.

However you do have to find the balance between his needs/wants and yours. You have to live your life and it doesn't sound to me like you're the instigator in this, so you only have a comparatively minor ability to steer this into the right direction and only if the other party involved plays ball. Which he doesn't seem to be.

I would argue that it is much more important in the long run to ensure that this doesn't also damage your relationship with your brother - to a certain extent there is already damage in the relationship with your father, try not letting it spread.

Yeah, get some legal help. Find out if your dad is acting as executor based on a will, or if letters testamentary were actually issued by a probate court. If it's the former, you may be able to get in front of a probate judge and petition the court to have a disinterested party named executor/administrator. A lawyer can tell you what's up and help you determine whether the hassle is worth it to you.

My grandfather had a sizable estate that was to be split evenly between my dad and his brother. In the last months of my grandfather's life, my uncle transferred many assets into his own name, using a POA unwisely granted by my grandfather, who'd lost his eyesight. Dad didn't have the heart to fight it out about whether the transfers were lawful and decided to just be grateful for what he got. Fast forward 14 years. My uncle died last year. His only valid will was out of date and gave everything to an old girlfriend who was long out of the picture. So: old GF, current GF and a cousin are fighting over his estate, contesting the will, etc. Current GF looted the house before cousin could change the locks. She took a stock portfolio and emptied their joint accounts.

All these years later, strangers will end up with most everything my grandfather worked his whole life for, including the house. Dad and the rest of us don't want any part of the mess and are content to have our memories. You're right that inheritance can be tough for a lot of families.

4cylndrfury wrote: Have you been clear with him about your desire to have real live interaction with him? Have you stated specifically that you do not want to get text messages from him? Perhaps its time you pop in out of the blue (if thats geographically a possibility). You can only affect your sphere of influence. You may be able to directly affect whether or not you communicate with him by deciding to read his texts or not. If you cant force face to face communication (either through asking directly, or just showing up), dont let your inability to communicate bother you (any more than it already is anyway). Do what you can, be there, but dont tear yourself up over this any more than you already have.

Yes, I have. He lives about 40minutes away. I told him to come down to a local beer spot in Sacramento this afternoon at 2pm (I have a DMV appointment for car registration paperwork) and that I do not want to text or e-mail until then because I am just getting too pissed off hashing this out with him in text.

Good luck, hope it works out better in person than it does via text or email.

Every one of my relatives is poor. Really. When My father or mother die (they are divorced) it will probably cost me a lot of money. there is no wealth to distribute. Neither of my brothers have a pot to piss in, let alone any money to cover anyone's final expenses.....

BoxheadTim wrote: Good luck, hope it works out better in person than it does via text or email.

So do I. I doubt it will change anything in terms of how assets actually get distributed. I really just hope we can come to an emotional understanding about the situation.

He just seems to completely not comprehend the emotional impact of the way he is handling the situation. He sees this as an opportunity to take care of himself in his age. He'll do the minimum for my brother and I that he is legally required to. He feels no moral imperative (his words) to do anything else for/with us on this.

I liked my dad better when he was broke. I wish my parents had assigned a third party as executor of the estate.

When my father died everything went to my mother. When she died there wasn't anything to distribute since she had already taken care of it. IE: She sold the house to my brother for half its value and gave me the money. and did this 10 years before she died.

My wifes family was another story. My mother-in-law had a will that was very specfic down to a list of who got what furniture for a lot of it and the rest was to be slod at auction. Problem was that she had told the youngest daughter that she could have a specfic table but had not put it on the list.

The 4 girls were aware of who was to get the talbe but the son hadn't been told and his daughter wanted the table. They all argued about it but since it wasn't listed it had to go to auction. I was being carefull to stay out of the mess untill I took the truck out to pick up the stuff my wife was to get.

When I got there the BIL was there and started complaining to me about the table. I told him that I had heard my MIL tell the SIL that she could have the table. He proceded in rather foul language to call me a liar and tell me that he was going to get that table at auction.

When the table came up at the auction he started bidding on it but there was some other guy who was also bidding. It ran up to $12K before the other guy dropped out. So he got the table but it cost him probably 100 time what the table was worth.

It probably would have been fine if he hadn't run into me and my friend about a month later at the mall.

Grtechguy wrote: My feelings on inheritance? I didn't work for it, its not mine. I hope my parents die happy and have lived life to their fullest.

This.

My grandmother left a modest estate, about $100,000. She left the bulk of it to my mom, with generous bequests to 2 of my 3 brothers because when she wrote her will, 15 years prior, they didn't own houses and she wanted to make grand gestures by starting them in home ownership. The other 3 kids in my family got nada, even though every one of my siblings had long since purchased their own homes when she passed--and even though I was the one who hauled my mom every few months to go visit my grandmother across the state.

Should my siblings have shared? I sure could've used some, since my kids were very young at the time. But it wasn't mine. She left my brothers the money, which made it theirs. Before that it was hers. End of story. And you know what? I still have a family, but I would not still have that money. So it all worked out.

Margie

Marjorie Suddard wrote: She left my brothers the money, which made it theirs. Before that it was hers. End of story. And you know what? I still have a family, but I would not still have that money. So it all worked out. Margie

best way possible to look at this.^^^

The money I was supposed to get from my parents via my grandparents estate has long since been squandered by my parents. And now my parents are divorced. I was momentarily annoyed that they wasted the money instead of helping me pay for college with the first estate or help me start my family with the second estate, but I got over it almost immediately. It didn't make them any happier. That is for sure.

I walked away from a few hundred grand because I didn't want to fight over a dead man's money (per her, half was to be mine.) Even though I was instrumental in making sure that money was secured in the first place, including my own money and lots of sweat equity. Some people think I'm foolish, I'm barely keeping my head above water but I have my son, we have full stomachs and a roof over our heads plus I can sleep well at night.

She spent it all in less than 3 years, has nothing to show for it but a fake rack and some shoes and clothes she has to take with her when she has to figure out a place to sleep.

Sorry to hear about your situation, hopefully he meets you face to face and you guys can come away better than where it's heading.

Salanis, you have my sympathies. It's a tough spot to be in.

My oldest brother and I are executors of my dad's estate. He had a will from 1993, when he got really sick in 2009 he had it rewritten to clear up some problems, most of which were due to my stepmother's extravagant spending habits. Like credit card debt north of $200,000.00. No that's not a fatfinger.

Unfortunately my dad signed the will on a Thursday evening and died early Friday morning, before it could be recorded. Therefore it is not valid and we are working off the vague 1993 will. she saw an opening and for two solid years has done her best to take the whole thing, even accusing my brother and I of mismanaging the estate in an attempt to take control of it. For instance, we put insurance on the rental properties, she says that is not necessary. She complained about removal of a tree which the city said needed to be removed, or they would do it and send us the bill.

The court disagrees; we have submitted accountings and there is no wrongdoing. In fact, my brother and I decided not to collect executor fees because the estate can't do it. The only bright spot: my brothers and I are united in trying to save something for everyone. Only time will tell, though.

Okay, moral of the story is: Beer is good. It's a lot easier to be amicable and friendly drinking beers together. Electronic communication makes it a lot easier to take things the wrong way and get angry at each other.

I'm still not 100% pleased with what made its way into the trust and how it is being distributed, but not displeased enough to make a stink about it. My dad thinks it is a good idea for me to hire a lawyer representing my interests to look over the estate and confirm that everything is in order.

Turned out the spreadsheet with information he sent me last night did not have the most recent fully correct information, which caused a lot of my nervousness.

I still don't know what the hell is going on with my little brother. He's likely to be difficult.

Ah, that sounds a lot better. As you say, beer is good.

DuctTape&Bondo wrote: She spent it all in less than 3 years, has nothing to show for it but a fake rack and some shoes and clothes she has to take with her when she has to figure out a place to sleep.

...joking aside, I'm glad the situation has improved for you Beer Baron.

Just remember, there's one thing money can't buy:

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POVERTY

In theory my grandad has money, his 6 kids and...well I dont even know how many grandkids started fighting over it long ago and he's still alive. He doesn't help the situation by always trying to tell people what he's leaving them (trying to take an advance on buying their love)

He keeps telling me he has 1mil in his will for me, my wife gets starry eyed, I call bullE36 M3. I keep telling him to just stay alive, he's worth more to me that way. Maybe he really is leaving me something, because I'm the only one who doesn't care if he does.

I should really go visit that old coot.

Sucky situation for sure. Sounds like progress has been made at least.

My moms family has already been fighting for 10+ years and my grandmother is still alive.

Best of luck to you.

It seems the size of the estate controls the greed. My parents died intestate, my brother and sisters agreed to me being the administrator of their small estate. Everything went smoothly for the most part.

Different cenario; Wait until you have step children and their mother dies. Even with a will that left everything to me.

In my will, my small estate is to be liquidated and each heir is to recieve a certan percentage as I have defined. Wonder how that will work out.?

ugh.. I feel for you. My grandmother died with a will.. everything went three ways between my mom, Aunt, and Uncle..

This did not stop the vultures from taking everything they wanted before she was buried. To this day, my two cousins, who took the lions share, do not want anything to do with the rest of the family.. guess they feel guilty.

Does not help that those two wrote her obit and made my Grandmother to be a LOT more than she really was.

Beer - source of and solution to life's problems. Glad things are more settled and sorted for you.

BoxheadTim wrote:

Beer Baron wrote:

BoxheadTim wrote: The sad part about this is that it's very likely that the relationship with your father will be permanently damaged by this, no matter what the outcome is. This is really unpleasant and I've been in the same situation with my step dad who I haven't spoken to in a good fifteen years. This is a sad situation but sometimes, you just can't do anything about that.

This is what scares me and bothers me the most.

I really feel for you on that one as I only know too well what it is like. It hurts, no two ways about it. However you do have to find the balance between his needs/wants and yours. You have to live your life and it doesn't sound to me like you're the instigator in this, so you only have a comparatively minor ability to steer this into the right direction and only if the other party involved plays ball. Which he doesn't seem to be. I would argue that it is much more important in the long run to ensure that this doesn't also damage your relationship with your brother - to a certain extent there is already damage in the relationship with your father, try not letting it spread.

To me the problem is your dad is saying "I don't give a rat's ass about you". I am very sorry for that.

My dad did many years ago when I was 17. I could not imagine him doing this to me. But we didn't have a whole lot to fight over either.

Ouch. Sounds like a crappy situation all around.

My mother's father left a sizeable estate, but started planning its distribution a good decade before the inevitable. Starting out by writing tax-legal checks to all of the children and grand children. Upon his death, lump sums were given to each grandchild with the larger remainder split between the 4 children. No arguements. No bickering. Everyone knew what they were getting well in advance and my uncle (who isn't exactly hurting himself) was the executor, so trust there was never a concern. I was young and stupid and blew the money anyway (it's rather depressing when I think about how much money I'm talking about), so it's good I didn't get any more.

My mother has already set up her will and I even met were her financial planner. Of course, with only 22 years separating us and the age her family historically lives to, I'll probably be in my 70's before this is something I really have to worry about. Besides, a lot can happen between now and then so I've tried to plan without counting on an inheritance.

I fear for my g/f and her brother. She and her brother are close and I don't anticipate any issues, but their parents are in their upper 70's and it doesn't seem like any discussion has taken place with regards to their estate.

My Mom's sisters all showed up with their hands out after my grandfather died. They didn't know that my parents had been supporting him for the last few years of his life. So when they asked for their fair share (while we were at the funeral home !) Mom sent them each a bill for their share of the funeral expenses.

My mom and my sister have been on the outs for a number of years. To avoid any hassle for me, she told me she's leaving everything to the 3 grandchildren.