Your step-daughter’s rebellion aside, that’s bad enough but not unexpected from a child of her age, the fact that this brain surgeon shows up to dinner with her parents while still married to someone else, like this is a normal thing is just mind boggling to me.
Stefan said:Your step-daughter’s rebellion aside, that’s bad enough but not unexpected from a child of her age, the fact that this brain surgeon shows up to dinner with her parents while still married to someone else, like this is a normal thing is just mind boggling to me.
Took me awhile to figure this one out in life but ive come up with this:
The reason why its baffling is good people have a moral code, if you dont have a moral code you just do whatever you want without worrying. It becomes less What should i do? and more What can i get away with?
As for the situation my guess is the stepdaughter is a bit naive and doesnt really understand that there are truly bad people in the world, not the made-for-tv-type of bad people. Not to say shes stupid but she seems like a good kid, and good people dont always recognize that there are truly evil people in the world.
The hope is he does something stupid evil like Grand Theft Candy Bar or clubbing baby seals and she gets her head on straight instead of something bad. Id just hang back and hope but be prepared to drop everything at a moments notice to get her out of the situation when she finally comes to her senses
I'd agree with antihero with one tweak, evil is rare, toxic is common. She's found a Superfund site and is too naive to realize she's in way over her head and might get polluted up in the process of attempting a cleanup that may not be possible.
All the best getting through this Jeremy, my son is a baby, I can't imagine.
In reply to Apexcarver :
Nailed it. That’s exactly the issue.
In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :
You might advise her of the "Half plus 7" guideline for dating too young. If is conventional wisdom that you should never date anyone younger than half your age plus 7 years.
31 yr old = 15.5 + 7 = 22.5
21 yr old = 10.5 + 7 = 17.5 Therefore at the age of 18, an older guy would be 21 yrs old, max.
Apexcarver said:I'd agree with antihero with one tweak, evil is rare, toxic is common. She's found a Superfund site and is too naive to realize she's in way over her head and might get polluted up in the process of attempting a cleanup that may not be possible.
All the best getting through this Jeremy, my son is a baby, I can't imagine.
Id agree with that although im not sure this guy is just toxic. It sort of looks predatory that he went after her on her 18th birthday, he was in jail for awhile and seemed to just casually bring up that he isnt dealing anymore at dinner from what i read, which is not a normal reaction. Toxic to me is far less benign than that, even though we are still talking on the spectrum of evil.
did you ask why his wife didn't join him for dinner? i'm only half joking.
Topics like this make my relived that I don’t have kids.
KyAllroad, folks are bringing up the wife repeatedly... Is he still "married" to her in anything other than legal terms? Meaning, are they separated and the divorce hasn't gone through/he can't afford the divorce?
In reply to mtn :
Yeah, apparently they are officially separated and he is staying with his father.
Antihero: He absolutely didn’t bring it us casually. I was grilling him pretty hard to both get some version of the truth and to make him squirm. Like when I asked him if he would be pleased to find out in 7 years that his currently 11 year old daughter was secretly dating a felon. Much squirming at that as well.
Maybe the next gathering should include the ex, the baby mommas, and the kiddos.
Remind your daughter that she not just buying him but buying the whole package! Or, joining the Circus.
John Welsh said:In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :
You might advise her of the "Half plus 7" guideline for dating too young. If is conventional wisdom that you should never date anyone younger than half your age plus 7 years.
31 yr old = 15.5 + 7 = 22.5
21 yr old = 10.5 + 7 = 17.5 Therefore at the age of 18, an older guy would be 21 yrs old, max.
God, by your logic it would be "acceptable" to date a 20.5 year old (I'm 27). I wouldn't feel comfortable dating anyone younger than 23 or 24 even.
My daughter is 9 and I have hard time reading this whole thing. I really hope this turns out OK for all involved.
NickD said:John Welsh said:In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :
You might advise her of the "Half plus 7" guideline for dating too young. If is conventional wisdom that you should never date anyone younger than half your age plus 7 years.
31 yr old = 15.5 + 7 = 22.5
21 yr old = 10.5 + 7 = 17.5 Therefore at the age of 18, an older guy would be 21 yrs old, max.
God, by your logic it would be "acceptable" to date a 20.5 year old (I'm 27). I wouldn't feel comfortable dating anyone younger than 23 or 24 even.
Eh, it isn't a perfect system. Good guideline, but every person is different. We had a 20 year old woman intern for us, and she was a woman in just about every sense except for her music choices (and looks, she looked like a 14 year old when she wasn't in a suit). I've also known 23 year olds who were just too immature to ever consider dating. When I was 18, I was dating a 15 year old who most folks would have guessed was older than me--we were only a year apart in classes too, but it was "creepy" by those standards.
But the last time I got a new girlfriend she was only 19, and I was 18 (after the girl I dated in high school broke up with me)--that was 11 years ago now, so I obviously am out of the scene and don't know what is normal or not anymore.
In reply to NickD :
When I was 27 yrs old I fell in love with a 23.5 yr old.
John Welsh said:Maybe the next gathering should include the ex, the baby mommas, and the kiddos.
Remind your daughter that she not just buying him but buying the whole package! Or, joining the Circus.
Yeah, this is actually a really good point. Holy cow, can you imagine the drama in your life with this?
mtn said:John Welsh said:Maybe the next gathering should include the ex, the baby mommas, and the kiddos.
Remind your daughter that she not just buying him but buying the whole package! Or, joining the Circus.
Yeah, this is actually a really good point. Holy cow, can you imagine the drama in your life with this?
I went back to the first post. The kids are 16, 11 & 8. Come on...she's got to meet the 16 yr old if possible. How crazy is that? At 18, she is the contemporary of the 16 yr old. If its a boy she might be attracted to him. If its a girl, they may have more in common than just one thing (one guy.)
I think I figured this out. The next guy is gonna be just a standard 18-21 year old douchebag and that won't even be a blip on your radar after this mess.
John Welsh said:mtn said:John Welsh said:Maybe the next gathering should include the ex, the baby mommas, and the kiddos.
Remind your daughter that she not just buying him but buying the whole package! Or, joining the Circus.
Yeah, this is actually a really good point. Holy cow, can you imagine the drama in your life with this?
I went back to the first post. The kids are 16, 11 & 8. Come on...she's got to meet the 16 yr old if possible. How crazy is that? At 18, she is the contemporary of the 16 yr old. If its a boy she might be attracted to him. If its a girl, they may have more in common than just one thing (one guy.)
Whoa.. Lets think through this. He has a 16 year old kid. That means that he had a kid when he was 15. If his kid was to follow his footsteps, he could theortically be a grandpa within a year. If KyAllroad's step daughter were to follow through with this relationship, it is not at all out of the realm of possibility that she'd be a step-grandmother at 19 years old. 
mtn said:John Welsh said:mtn said:John Welsh said:Maybe the next gathering should include the ex, the baby mommas, and the kiddos.
Remind your daughter that she not just buying him but buying the whole package! Or, joining the Circus.
Yeah, this is actually a really good point. Holy cow, can you imagine the drama in your life with this?
I went back to the first post. The kids are 16, 11 & 8. Come on...she's got to meet the 16 yr old if possible. How crazy is that? At 18, she is the contemporary of the 16 yr old. If its a boy she might be attracted to him. If its a girl, they may have more in common than just one thing (one guy.)
Whoa.. Lets think through this. He has a 16 year old kid. That means that he had a kid when he was 15. If his kid was to follow his footsteps, he could theortically be a grandpa within a year. If KyAllroad were to follow through with this relationship, it is not at all out of the realm of possibility that she'd be a step-grandmother at 19 years old.
Bahahahahaha!! I'll have to point that out to her. 
From princess_brap
Wes sent me this link today and I felt obligated to jump in - as I think I am somewhat of a female and young adult perspective. (I'm 23.)
First, and I truly believe, there are two types of "smart girls." There are book smart girls, and there are street smart girls. Sometimes you get both, not often. Book smart girls tend to be naive to real world dangers and red flags - always seeing the best in people and sunshine and rainbows and perfect, redemptive, epic love.
I've been blessed with being both. But even I can't say I haven't been guilty of the "bad boy/old man" charm getting me. Probably a year after graduating high school, I would've been 19, an older guy in the car scene took notice of me after I made an intentional point of putting myself in the spot light. (I was a lot more outwardly dramatic back then, but I'd probably do the same thing again. I ran my F650 pickup down the track at IFO to prove a point to my most recent ex at the time that I belonged to our local car community just as much as he did.)
Anyway, he was 28, lived about a hour away, and was known as a flirt and was kinda friends with benefits with another woman in the car community (one with 3 kids already, though none his). We saw each other a few months, I stayed over a few times. I could tell my mom and dad were so not pleased - but they never truly said much. There were some half truths told but not many lies. I think they expected me to handle it, and I did.
The two biggest things that still stick out to me as to why I walked away were these... I recognized that we were at different places in our lives and didn't have the same goals. (A late night conversation about his intention to just never pay off his student loan debt had me reeling because even then I was thinking about home buying.) And most importantly, to me at least, was that he wasn't very invested in my happiness. I know that may sound shallow and self centered, but he didn't make me a priority in his life. I didn't feel very loved, wanted, or important.
If she's a smart girl, and hopefully not too naive, these reasons will surface on their own and she can find someone her own age, with better intentions and a better criminal record, to live out her E36 M3 dreams of 80s and 90s Chrysler cars, cuddles, and a home of her own with
In reply to Professor_Brap :
Not to thread jack, but we're going to need some more info on this F650 Princess_Brap was cruising around in.
In reply to Dead_Sled :
In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :
To gut check,
Are you mostly affected by your daughter lying? Or about who she is with?
We went through a phase of my daughter lying in high school. While we initially tried to understand and delved deep into the guy around her at the time. I began to realize that what got to her mom and I most was that she lied to us and her mentor and her grandmother. I decided to make sure she knew that I expected to know where her 16year old self was at all times. And my side of the deal would be I wouldn't ask why or with who. Mom would deal with that part. I told her that I am not the Taken Dad and even if I was, the only way he found her is because she answered the phone and told him where she was. I also made the deal that if she calls from anywhere and needs a ride home without judgement that I can do that ( and did once). It worked for a couple years until now I think she is being honest at where she is.
You have to let her try being an adult and deal with your relationship with her. That she should be honest and you will give her space and privacy.
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