Physics joke

here is where I show my true dork-dom!!!

Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.

Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.

Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.

Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around.

"Ah ha, Newton! I found you!"

"No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."

Programmer joke: There are only 10 kinds of people who understand binary language, those who do and those who don't.

Mine's not as good as the OP's, but... a physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are having lunch in a sidewalk cafe. They notice two people go into an apparently abandoned building across the street. After a while, three people come out of the same building.

The physicist says, "There must be something wrong with our data."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes in, the building will be empty."

A physicist, biologist and mathematician go the race track to bet on the horses.

The math boffin grabs a copy of the race report and fires up his laptop. He uses the win/loss statisitics from prior races to set up a probability matrix in order to determine which horses he believes have the best chances of winning, and which of them would give the best return on investment. After this, he places three bets, all of which were on popular horses. The largest is on the favorite, but the others are on ones that would have better yield.

The biologist went down to the paddocks with a tape measure. He measured the length of the horses legs to determine their stride, and thus their expected speeds. He also measured the width of their chests to get a rough estimate of their lung capacities, and thus, and indication of their stamina. He crunched his numbers and then placed two bets. One was for the horse that he estimated to have the highest speed, and the other was for a horse that was nearly as fast but which his calculations showed should be able to sustain its top speed for the longest time.

The physicist took out a graphing calculator, looked around, and began to enter numbers. After a while he went up to the betting window and put all his money on one horse.

After the race, they all met up to drive home together. The mathematician and the biologist were empty handed. The physicist was counting a substantial sum of money. Astonished, the other two asked him how he managed to be so successful. The physicist replied, "Well, I grew up on a farm, so I know a fair bit about large mammals. The first thing you should do in this sort of situation is to assume a spherical horse..."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"

The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, E36 M3 on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

Two old ladies are flying on Aeroflot, the Russian airline. The state-of-the art, 4 engined turbofan jet is whisking them to some unknown city. Suddenly, there is a thud. The pilot comes on the intercom. "We have lost an engine, but do not panic, this is a well built aircraft. It will simply take us 30 minutes longer." Everyone looks worried, but calms down and the flight goes on. Another thud, and the pilot again "We have lost another engine, do not worry, the plane is fine, it will simply take us an hour longer." A while later, another thud. "We have lost the third engine. We have everything under control, and will be arriving 2.5 hours late." At this, one lady tells the other "If we lose that other engine, we will be up here all day."

JoeyM wrote: A physicist, biologist and mathematician go the race track to bet on the horses. The math boffin grabs a copy of the race report and fires up his laptop. He uses the win/loss statisitics from prior races to set up a probability matrix in order to determine which horses he believes have the best chances of winning, and which of them would give the best return on investment. After this, he places three bets, all of which were on popular horses. The largest is on the favorite, but the others are on ones that would have better yield. The biologist went down to the paddocks with a tape measure. He measured the length of the horses legs to determine their stride, and thus their expected speeds. He also measured the width of their chests to get a rough estimate of their lung capacities, and thus, and indication of their stamina. He crunched his numbers and then placed two bets. One was for the horse that he estimated to have the highest speed, and the other was for a horse that was nearly as fast but which his calculations showed should be able to sustain its top speed for the longest time. The physicist took out a graphing calculator, looked around, and began to enter numbers. After a while he went up to the betting window and put all his money on one horse. After the race, they all met up to drive home together. The mathematician and the biologist were empty handed. The physicist was counting a substantial sum of money. Astonished, the other two asked him how he managed to be so successful. The physicist replied, "Well, I grew up on a farm, so I know a fair bit about large mammals. The first thing you should do in this sort of situation is to assume a spherical horse..."

Ya know, if you have to explain the joke...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician check into separate rooms in a hotel. Before they got to their rooms, a prankster put smoke bombs in the trash cans in every room, with a delayed fuse so it would go off at midnight.

The engineer wakes up to find smoke pouring out of his trash can. He runs, grabs an ice bucket, fills it up completely, and dumps it in the trash can. Then he makes sure the fire is out and goes back to sleep.

The physicist wakes up, confronted by the same situation. He measures the size of the fire in the trash can and sits down at the desk to do a few calculations. Then he takes the coffee pot, fills it to a precise amount of water, and pours in just enough to put out the fire.

The mathematician wakes up and sees smoke pouring out of the trash can. He looks at the fire, looks over at the sink and notes that water is available, and that there's an ice bucket next to the sink. Satisfied that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.

vwcorvette wrote:

JoeyM wrote: The first thing you should do in this sort of situation is to assume a spherical horse..."

Ya know, if you have to explain the joke...

That's why I don't have a career in standup. FWIW, I got it right away when it was told to my by a physics prof. Of course, there was the context, too. (We had been talking about oversimplification of student problems.) You're in good company...almost nobody I tell it to gets it.

MadScientistMatt wrote: An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician check into separate rooms in a hotel. Before they got to their rooms, a prankster put smoke bombs in the trash cans in every room, with a delayed fuse so it would go off at midnight. The engineer wakes up to find smoke pouring out of his trash can. He runs, grabs an ice bucket, fills it up completely, and dumps it in the trash can. Then he makes sure the fire is out and goes back to sleep. The physicist wakes up, confronted by the same situation. He measures the size of the fire in the trash can and sits down at the desk to do a few calculations. Then he takes the coffee pot, fills it to a precise amount of water, and pours in just enough to put out the fire. The mathematician wakes up and sees smoke pouring out of the trash can. He looks at the fire, looks over at the sink and notes that water is available, and that there's an ice bucket next to the sink. Satisfied that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.

Only one i've laughed at so far.

Bill the statistician meets a friend at a statistics convention.

Bill: So, Kwok, how was the trip here?

Kwok: Terrible - took me two days to drive.

Bill: Why didn't you fly?

Kwok: Well, I calculated that the odds of a bomb on an airplane is 1%. That's too high for me.

Bill: I came up with the same odds myself.

Kwok: So did you drive here, too?

Bill: No, I flew, just packed a bomb in my suitcase. After all, the odds of two bombs on a plane is 0.01%.

JoeyM wrote:

vwcorvette wrote:

JoeyM wrote: The first thing you should do in this sort of situation is to assume a spherical horse..."

Ya know, if you have to explain the joke...

That's why I don't have a career in standup. FWIW, I got it right away when it was told to my by a physics prof. Of course, there was the context, too. (We had been talking about oversimplification of student problems.) You're in good company...almost nobody I tell it to gets it.

I would like to get it.

In reply to MadScientistMatt:

LOL.

Two atoms are walking down the street when one of them begins frantically checking all his pockets.

Atom 1: Dude, what's wrong?

Atom 2: I lost an electron.

Atom 1: You sure?

Atom 2: I'm positive.

One from my field of expertise...

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

Hey, Im in Logistics...theres only so many jokes to be made...

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. "I think not", he says, and promptly disappears.

That didn't happen in a bar; he was actually flying first class on a Cartesian plane. (And the reason he decided against another drink was that he didn't want to get uncoordinated.)

Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your server!

Want to hear my Sodium Joke?

NA

Joey

An electron walks into a bar. Well, he might have been walking. Actually, I really don't know how fast he was moving, but I know he was there.

Salanis wrote: An electron walks into a bar. Well, he might have been walking. Actually, I really don't know how fast he was moving, but I know he was there.

OR...

Werner Heisenburg was pulled over and the officer asked "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" "No sir..I didn't want to get lost again!"

vwcorvette wrote:

JoeyM wrote:

vwcorvette wrote:

JoeyM wrote: The first thing you should do in this sort of situation is to assume a spherical horse..."

Ya know, if you have to explain the joke...

That's why I don't have a career in standup. FWIW, I got it right away when it was told to my by a physics prof. Of course, there was the context, too. (We had been talking about oversimplification of student problems.) You're in good company...almost nobody I tell it to gets it.

I would like to get it.

I didn't get it, either. The joke is explained in the two links within it.

Q: Did you know that electrons have mass?
A: Electrons have Mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!

A philosopher walks into a crowded bar and says, "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

Spherical horse...Ha, I get it now. Too late?