Proctor of the exam I was taking, when the computer lost internet connection:
"I swear, these things are as reliable as lonesome tomcat with the blues."
I have no idea how reliable a lonesome tomcat with the blues actually is, but I'm guessing not very?
"Oh. Crap. GOD!" (dibs on the copyright)
Old age and treachery always beat youth and exuberance.
A few years ago, I approached a sponsorship opportunity about some funding... they looked at the SCCA website and videos and such and said:
You know, our market demographic isn't the nursing home crowd. Maybe you should approach a funeral home?
Guy walked up to the reception desk, was asked to sign in for his appointment. He shouted, "berkeley you, I don't like your attitude! I'm leaving, and (thankfully) never coming back here!"
I witnessed the whole thing, relayed it to one of the other members of the crew, who replied, "I love it when the garbage takes itself out."
Hi point is trash that actually fires, Taurus can't even get there.
Not a single quote, but a whole online post quote.
My favorite story:
Deploying to Iraq, we took a chartered flight from the States to Kuwait. Commercial air carrier, but all military people. Had to go through TSA. Now we are all carrying our rifles (a few with grenade launchers) and machine guns.
We had to go through the metal detector. We would hand the TSA agent the weapon, step through to make sure we weren't carrying any weapons on us, and then get the weapon back. (Paragraph is correct)
Well my bag comes through xray, the agent calls another over very excitedly, and they start going through my bag, pull out my shave kit and rummage through. Then he holds up an item. This is the actual conversation I had (as best as I remember)
Agent: What do you think you are doing with this?? *hold up toenail clippers*
Me: Cutting toenails. Why, what do you do with them?
A: This is an ILLEGAL item!
M: It's illegal to have nail clippers? Am I supposed to bite them? I don't know what's going on here.
A: You cannot bring dangerous items on the flight! *he unfolds the 1 inch toenail pick*
This is a weapon! You CANNOT have it on board!
M: I am holding an automatic rifle in my hand right now.
A: Are you threatening me?!
M: What? No. I am trying to point out that you are freaking out about a toenail pick that is one inch long, isn't sharp or able to cut isn't able to be locked in position so I couldn't possibly stab someone with it, isnt pointy enough to actually pierce flesh, and if I somehow managed to do so, the worst I would do is highly irritate them. All while I will be carrying a M16 on this flight, along with 200 people who also have rifles, and would definitely do something about me trying to stab someone with a toe pick.
A: Airline regulations forbid carrying weapons in the flight. This is a weapon.
M: There are 200 other weapons going on this plane. If I was going to start some shiat, I would start bashing head with the rifle. I sure as fark wouldn't choose the toenail clippers.
A: Are you getting smart with me?
M: Someone has to.
A: I am confiscating this weapon. If you don't collect your things and move on, I will have you arrested. In fact, I should have you arrested for trying to board with a weapon in the first place. Now get your stuff and move on!
M: *goes to leave* I hope you get ass cancer.
A: Wait! What was that you said??
M: I said I like ice dancers
A: ...
M: ...
A: Have a good day sir.
This was a real thing that happened and not me trying to be funny. I have no idea what that guy's problem was or how he could lose his shiat over nail clippers on a regular flight, much less a flight of all military people carrying guns.
/I considered (and quickly decided not to) telling him how easy it would be for me to hide 5-6 rounds in the hollow handgrip, and probably at least 20 in the buttstock (where the cleaning kit goes) and then just go to the bathroom and fill a magazine once I got in the air, since that was how great his "security" was that they didn't check the rifles at all.
//I bet I could have gotten at least 30 more taped up under the barrel heat shield.
/// 3rd slashie with a dull toe pick.
Heard in response to somebody's Chicken Nuggets not being hot.
I like the phrase “she got cold nuggets.” I imagine it means “she thought better of it,” as in “she was going to ride a lunch tray down the sledding hill and across the busy street, but she got cold nuggets and went home.” - Speaker unknown
In reply to Pete. (l33t FS) :
Ass cancer is too good for people like that. They need face cancer so they can look at it every morning and be reminded about how their painful death will only partly make up for what terrible people they are.
Me: hey kiddo, you want to learn how to do brakes tomorrow?
Demon: what's that mean?
Me: I'm going to swear at mommy's car until it works, wanna help?
Demon: I'm only 7, I'm not old enough to swear!! I can't fix the brakes
"Remember when the mob ran Utica? It was a nice city then."
"They don't call it organized crime for nothing."
"Being a kid is wanting to be Mike Finnegan. Being an adult is realizing that you're Steve Dulcich"
"For every mile of road, there's two miles of ditch"
Derek Bieri
*warm, loving embrace with SWMBO in the kitchen*
I love y-HEY! Is that Play-Doh?
She stuck Hellspawn's gift out his sight, but not mine. She laughed. A lot.
I'm supposed to know all these things after my first rodeo?
That seems like a very low number of rodeos.
If you can't make it perfect, make it adjustable.
-stafford1500
Jesus be a biscuit and sop me up. - Said by someboy that couldn't get focused and was running all over the place "like gravy" as they explained to me.
Inspired by a Meme that was posted today...
"The trail leading to the top of Mt. Everest is scattered with the frozen remains of once highly confident people."
Our customer is absolutely certain we will find the taste of the soup much more to our liking after they've peed in it.
You seem to have confused being insufferable with being effective.
Australians have an excellent sense of humor, some one-liners from YT 'military analyst' Perun:
"You cannot pay your teachers in armored personnel carriers, and even if you could, I'd recommend against it unless you want the next teacher's strike to be that much more interesting."
“Practice has a way of beating up theory and taking its lunch money.”
His 'recurring characters' when discussing the Russian Army include Private Konscriptovich, Captain BullE36 M3ski, Colonel Kleptov, and General Oligarkov
"Here's a normal clock. It's got two hands. Some clocks have a third hand that we call the 'second.' It's great."
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.
It's an oldie, but it's true.
I'm driving. God isn't going to miracle my ass home.
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