I recently wrote the following quotes in the course of plowing through a project.
"While it is true my wisdom stretches to near infinite lengths, my intelligence dwarfs that of your greatest scientists, philosophers and taxidermists that and my foresight forms the actual basis of the myths surrounding the Oracle of Delphi, even my own frankly awesome brilliance from time to time fails to recognize the totality of consequences following on my miracles. Such a case arose this day regarding the matter of Drosera’s suddenly enhanced size and cognition.
Looking back, I should have predicted the problem of its appetite. Not only should I have known that the increasing proportion of volume relative to surface area on Drosera’s grasping tentacles would reduce its feeding efficiency, but I had access to Rick Moranis’ excellent documentary “Little Shop of Horrors.” The inescapable conclusion, confirmed with the Dalai Lama’s partial digestion at the “hands” of my sentient plant, is that Drosera would not long subsist on its diet of insects, slugs and my spare Twinkies of Destiny. Considering that the two most successful animals on earth, by bio-mass, are overwhelmingly humans and ants, and that ants require a great deal more effort in harvesting, well – I think it becomes increasingly obvious what will happen if I do not intercede."
...
“When I was digesting the Dalai Lama I felt so - so intimately connected. It was like all my acidic excretions were made specifically for his multi-chain epidermal proteins. It was like my sticky tentacles could see into the very depths of his mind."
...
“Even when I threw the talking head into the Patomic River, even for our brief time together, I felt such a spiritual bond with that commentator. You obviously had no use for him, why not let me absorb both his nutrients and beautiful soul into my protoplasm of love?”
I'm a doctor of journalism, man!
