Some Cricket jokes at the expense of the Pommie Bastards

If you opened this you know what I am on about

and here we go

Q. What do you get if you cross the English Cricket Team with an OXO cube?
A. A Laughing stock.

Q. What’s the height of optimism?
A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the English Team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the English Team and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

Aussie, you've been here for awhile. How many American's have you met that actually understand cricket?

PHeller wrote: Aussie, you've been here for awhile. How many human's have you met that actually understand cricket?

Fixed.

aussiesmg wrote: If you opened this you know what I am on about

Nope, I was curious what a Cricket Joke looked like

Huh?

Streetwiseguy wrote:

PHeller wrote: Aussie, you've been here for awhile. How many human's have you met that actually understand cricket?

Fixed.

Truth. I have a British citizenship and I still have no idea how to play the game.

What do you call an Australian with 100 by his name? A bowler.

Why can't Aussies open bottles? Because they don't have any openers.

What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne in his hand? A waiter.

What do you call a world class Australian? Retired.

What is the main function of the Australia coach? To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Aussie innings.

What is the most proficient form a footwork displayed by an Aussie batsman? The walk back to the pavilion.

What were the Aussies best chance of a win at Melbourne? Telling England the match was at Sydney!

But for Steve, some Aussie rugby jokes only cause I couldn't really be bothered by cricket.

The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Ewen McKenzie immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

Ewen McKenzie takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Indians know cricket. Yes, I work in tech.

Fueled by Caffeine wrote: Indians know cricket. Yes, I work in tech.

They sometimes play on Belle Isle on the field next to the Indycar paddock when we're autocrossing there.

Curmudgeon wrote: Huh?

+1!

I unfortunately can't avoid knowing what you're talking about...

Oh yeah. Kind of like baseball with REALLY long innings!!

Damn troublesome convict colony.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

PHeller wrote: Aussie, you've been here for awhile. How many American's have you met that actually understand cricket?

Do you mean people born and raised here or just Americans in general?

Rugby jokes, those I'm on board with

Knurled wrote:

PHeller wrote: Aussie, you've been here for awhile. How many American's have you met that actually understand cricket?

Do you mean people born and raised here or just Americans in general?

Hands up here for Naturalized Yankee

I knew Adrian would bite, but that's a lot of responses.

BTW

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat

I wont even bother you yanks with anything about Football because, well, its cute that you think one guy kicking the ball every now and then makes a game football.

To the rest of the world that's HANDBALL

I thought it was hand egg.

aussiesmg wrote: I knew Adrian would bite, but that's a lot of responses. BTW Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English? A. An all rounder. Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour? A. Because he was born in England. Q. What's the English version of a hat trick? A. Three runs in three balls. Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections? A. Because they never catch anything. Q. What's the English version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped. Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name? A. A bowler. Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates? A. At least they can say they're not really English. Q. What does "Ashes" stand for? A. Another Sad Horrific English Series. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium? A. So they can at least say they passed a century. Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad? A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites. Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini? A. Because they can get out without even trying. Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat

I understand #4 and #7.