Soul searching

Well where to start, as some of you might remember I'm a college student, a Biology major to be specific. Well here lately (well since last spring) I have been getting bored and uninterested in my major. This has of course effected my grades and got me thinking about my future.

A few days ago my girlfriend came to me very worried and said we needed to talk. Hearing this I of course expect the worst and think she is leaving me. No she is not leaving me, instead she tells me something I did not expect, she thinks she is pregnant. ...I am absolutely floored at this point and again start thinking about my life and future.

The reason I had gotten into Biology was I became involved with a group that does field research and it gave me the opportunity to travel. The degree would have just helped with that. At the time I had no one special in my life and it was easy to just pack up and be gone for months on end. Now I have a woman in my life that I love and possibly a child on the way. I have always had a strong interest in two things, the past and photography/art. I was working on a History minor just for fun but I think I am going to change this to my major (along with Archaeology) then possibly a graphic arts degree to fill in some fun and allow me to explore my creative side more.

I am now on a path where instead of going out and exploring the world being alone, I will teach others about the history of the world and be with a woman I love. On the side I will start to focus more on my photography and build up a business with that and just have fun with it. Eventually I may go to grad school to finish off things. My girlfriend and I both would like to travel and have vowed we would actually take family vacations and the like. I may still go do field research but it will not be the main focus of my life, my family would be.

I think I just grew up a little (heck I'm only 29).

Anyone else lives taking a 180?

Being a biology major I think first we need scientific documentation of how this may have transpired.

Congrats on the upcoming child, I was in slightly different boat you are 6 years ago and I have never had a second thought.

It has been very hard being a natural born car guy not being able to express himself and we have had our problems with money, sickness, and loss.

Forget your previous dreams unless you can safely do them with an infant and all of it's stuff in tow. Learn to appreciate the wonders of the acts of parenthood. It's a fun job.

My life has been turning 180s since I graduated high school in June of 1997. At that time, I was told I could go to school, go to work, or join the military...

I tried work first, and that didn't pan out. So I went to college. Two major changes later, I realized nothing was going to come of it, and joined the Navy. That lasted from July 2000 to September 2006, and then I got out.

Big mistake. I did not have a job lined up, and finding one has been hell ever since. I might still be able to hire on with a large utility company, but that seems to require relocating for temporary work--several times--before getting anything permanent. berkeley that.

So now I'm looking into self-employment.

You're not the only one in such a situation. Hopefully everything will work out, in short order, for both of us.

John Brown wrote: Forget your previous dreams unless you can safely do them with an infant and all of it's stuff in tow. Learn to appreciate the wonders of the acts of parenthood. It's a fun job.

Lots of truth in there, but I'd replace "forget" with "hold off on." I've had to make some sacrifices due to the choices I made in raising kids, but I started earlier than the original poster. No regrets, no second thoughts. All in all, I think it's worked out well so far.

As far as going to school full time while raising a family, I can't imagine how that would work. I let go of my ambitions to become the first in my family to earn a kollege duhgree and forced that role on my kids. Then again, I'm only about 6 or 7 years from being an empty nester so maybe I'll go back to school at the same time they do.

Bottom line- Kids are expensive. Unless you've got a very generous family or a money tree in the yard, I'd start hunting for a J-O-B. At 29 with some schooling to your credit, you should have some marketable skills. Best to get crackin' and make some dough, IMHO.

Depending on how close you are to finishing your major you might want to consider finishing it out then focusing on a master in something you are more interested in.

I'd be weary of pursuing a career option that doesn't allow for you to put in an honest weeks work when you've got a kid. You want a job that is going to be stable and growing.

What about her? What will she be able to do for a living?

How certain are you about the possibility of a kid?

How long have you two been together? I kind of remember when you guys got together.

rebelgtp wrote: My girlfriend and I both would like to travel and have vowed we would actually take family vacations and the like. I may still go do field research but it will not be the main focus of my life, my family would be.

I probably felt the same way when I was younger, but as you get older you need to support your family and hard work is the answer.

Good Luck!

Being a biology major I'd think you'd understand what causes kids and practice abstinence so that this couldn't happen.

So many people go to college straight out of HS and never really realize the true purpose of college. For them it's just more school instead of helping you do better in life. I was one of them.

I began as Veterinary medicine, lept to biochemistry, then pharmacy and finally quit. I had a daughter and was able to go to college full time (since full time college is still really such a small part time of life), support the family and have fun, but at some time you realize college isn't getting you where you need to go.

All my kids except one went to college for one thing but are not working at something else. The one that didn't - i made work for a year so that could see if that field was for her.

As of tomorrow we will have been together for 6 months, and honestly even with the occasional argument I've never been with anyone I have cared about more.

Already looking for a job, just hard in a small town where the major industries have crashed around our ears. I do my side work as a photographer and I'm looking for more steady employment, I mostly have computer tech background. She works for her families cleaning company. Nice thing about the major change will be the ability to make my school schedule much more flexible to work around work and home. She is insistent that I finish school and will not let me leave school because of the situation. She said she would rather leave me for awhile than me giving up on school. So I am just going to make it work. I was only a year into my Bio program, I actually had more history and Anth credits.

I have worked since I was 13 so hard work and school are not foreign ideas to me, just gotta land a steady job.

We should find out this week for sure if she is or not, but she is 3 weeks late and counting at this point.

JetMech wrote: I tried work first, and that didn't pan out. So I went to college. Two major changes later, I realized nothing was going to come of it, and joined the Navy. That lasted from July 2000 to September 2006, and then I got out.

with 6 yrs in won't they take you back... ? only 14 to go to 50% pay for the rest of your life....

It's really cool that she's so adamant about you staying in school. It's also good that she has a possible job option.

How are you at school? A teaching degree would probably very little in the way of additional credits and you may have a good career option there. Downside...history teachers are not in demand.

If I had to do it all over again I'd probably have gone for something like radiology or some boring as hell medical related technical job that avoids the blood and guys but still pays bank.

However, I'm only 9 credits away from graduating, so geography/env sci it is!

But I made damn sure the the ex wouldn't get babies and ended it when things went sour. So considering yourself lucky to some extent that you may have a child with someone whom you can actually see yourself marrying.

Find a way to be bringing home a steady paycheck in less than 8 months. The emotion is inevitable. You'll likely go through all sorts of fun phases, and they won't all be pleasant. Stick by your girl, too. Remember how she is/was now, because that is going to change quickly. Don't ever give up on her during, or just after a pregnancy, because this is way tougher on her than you.

Figure out what you can do to get money - seriously - kids are crazy expensive. Most decent job have further education help in some form, if it were me, I would land one, and take one class each semester once the baby is here, and as many as possible until then during nights/weekends. This way you maintain the work you've already put into your degree but aren't saddled with the process, because you won't have time. I know I know, you will, you're the guy, the only one, but trust me, you won't have time to be a full time student and raise a family.

This may require multiple jobs, but it's pretty much the only way you'll start a family economically from this position.

She won't be able to work for a good while after the baby - at all, and she will definitely have trouble working immediately beforehand. I know she said she'd handle it while you finish school, but daycare is way too expensive to warrant that. I would wager a guess that in either of your two likely incomes, it makes more sense to stay home than to pay for daycare. We just hired a nanny, which was crazy cheap (think sub $500 Miata with no rust and a new engine) at $130/week. Most daycares that you'd want to leave your kid at cost upwards of $200/week. Baby food can get pretty crazy depending on what your kid likes to eat. Diapers can kill, and carseats/cribs/toys/bassinets/Drs visits/maternity clothes/baby clothes add up so quickly, you really have no idea. To give you an idea, my wife currently makes 25 grand/year as a teacher and with our second kid coming, we had to find another way (nanny only goes to $150/week with two) or else we would have her stay home to be able to afford to keep the lights on.

This sounds harsh, and is based on my opinions, but seriously, this is big. This is THE BIGGEST thing you will ever do. Do it right. Find a place to live, make this woman your wife/ lifepartner/significant other/whatever you call it, keep the food coming and the lights on and raise a family. An apartment is an excellent idea at this stage. A cheap one.

I don't know how you (or anyone else here) feels about it, but find a church if you feel comfortable. The ties you make and the support system you'll find are second to none at most good churches of nearly any religion/denomination. They also have soup kitchens/pantries and free marriage counseling, which might, seriously, come in handy. My parents broke up over money, most do. They made it until I was ten, and my sisters hospital bills (stoke at four) dragged everything to a halt, and my Mom still wanted someone to paint her nails for her once a week while my Dad worked 7,000 hours per week.

I am trying, and can't even come up with a ballpark number for a kid, and I know you think it can be done cheaper (or else you wouldn't be a GRM reader) but it really doesn't often work out that way. If I could make you walk away from the computer with anything, it's this: Be a saint to your wife, and to your family. This is responsibility. Do it right!

wbjones wrote:

JetMech wrote: I tried work first, and that didn't pan out. So I went to college. Two major changes later, I realized nothing was going to come of it, and joined the Navy. That lasted from July 2000 to September 2006, and then I got out.

with 6 yrs in won't they take you back... ?

No. Believe me, I tried! I was too close to high-year tenure; basically, they'd have had to promote me to put me back in. And I've developed health issues since then, too.

In reply to JetMech:

that sux