Stay At Home Dad?

With number two on the way I've been thinking a lot about potentially becoming a stay at home dad. My wife has a good paying as secure as possible job and due to our debt free status we would still be able to save a fair amount on her income. She is on board with being the breadwinner and I feel like I would enjoy being my children's caregiver. Also I've been thinking about a career change and this would provide me some time to work that out and train for a new career or build a business.
Seems pretty simple except I am unsure about walking away from a job and stepping into the unknown. There are some sacrifices I would have to make (selling some vehicles but keeping the important ones) bit these are just stuff so I'm not to worried.
How many SAHD are out there? How's it worked for your family? Have you reentered the workforce? Would you do it again?

Guess I just want to know what people have done and how it went.

Thanks,

Daniel

Have you tried living on just your wife's income and squirrel yours away for 3-6 months to see if you can actually do it?

My B-i-L is a SAHD and loves it, but he recently started doing a masters degree at night to improve his employment prospects as they can't make it on his wife's income alone.

I'd be all for it. Getting rid of vehicles. No thank you. All mine are pretty low maintenance anyway.

I wish I could. I'm the breadwinner and my wife stays home, so from a budgeting standpoint we've done similar sacrifices. My wife is also doing the school thing.

Go for it! They're only young once.

I tried it for a very brief period. It was miserable, my wife quickly developed an attitude about the money being "hers" and all of my spending was scrutinized. I couldn't deal with it so I went out and found work.

Unfortunately, all of "our" money is still hers....

We had a 45 year old dude leave our company to do this. He does have a little part time business on the side.

I guess given my schooling, I could be considered a SAHD awaiting for school to come around again. As much as I love my daughter, I'd rather be at work. My ability to get anything done is killed with either keeping her out of everything or no money to do anything. I am in the "eagle eye" of what gets purchased. I consistently get pestered for money when I don't have any to give for when everyone else doesn't have any. I constantly get asked, "Where does your money go?" And many other things that I don't have time to delve into at this moment.....

We have a SAHD next door to us. As long as you don't act creepy to the SAHM's living around you (...yeah...) than I don't see a problem.

I am a SAHD. There are times that you will feel that you're just not cut out for the job. These will pass. Best job I ever had.

I am a part time SAHD. It is great but extremely exhausting.

How old are your kids?

I am surviving two year old twins

I am a part time stay at home dad. The wife has a 'real' job and I run a remodeling business from home. We hire a babysitter for the afternoon... She comes over around 12.. I stay until 1 when the kids go down for a nap.. Then the wife is home around 5.

I LOVE my mornings. I have so much fun with the kids. Sometimes I wish my evenings were not so tied up these days.. but man do I have fun in the mornings.

It works well for us...

The only real issue I have is I ain't the kids mommy.. and sometimes they need that.. but then again.. a set of two year old twins will wear on anyone from time to time.

You will need to find other SAHD's to hang out with if you are planning to be a full timer.. the little ones can and will wear on you... I know.. it sounds mean.. or uncaring.. whatever.. Just trust me.. I Love what I do, but these are little kids.. they are crazy some days..

This morning.. I needed to make one quick call.. the kids were making a bunch of noise.. So I ducked into the next room for no more than two minutes.. In that two minutes they had opened the fridge.. pulled out the tub of yogurt.. found a couple spoons... and were sitting on the floor partly eating the yogurt they had dumped out on the floor.. partly painting the cabinet with it...

Just imagine what they are capable of if God forbid you need to take a dump and give them three minutes to work with.. You wouldn't believe the things my kids have done/survived... Seriously..

But yeah... for the first time this morning.. We went out and flew a kite.. and ate Mulberry's right off the tree... Yeah.. that was a mess too... but there isn't much I would rather be doing.

Oh, yeah. Don't even think for a minute that you are entitled to time to take care of basic human necessities. You are not.

Capt Slow wrote: I tried it for a very brief period. It was miserable, my wife quickly developed an attitude about the money being "hers" and all of my spending was scrutinized. I couldn't deal with it so I went out and found work. Unfortunately, all of "our" money is still hers....

In my family, her money is her money. My money is "our money".

I don't have an issue with the primary caregiver being the father; I think that works either way and is good for both parent and child.

One thing I question, though, is necessity of having EITHER parent stay at home full time.

As a parent, I've heard lots of anti-daycare comments like "Nobody but ME is going to raise my kids." Guess what? In my experience, those are often the kids who are undersocialized and have difficulty coping with life in the real world, because they haven't been exposed to it and often have an overbearing parent who keeps them from developing.

I'm not saying this is what you will do and it is not inevitable. It is equally possible (with often worse results) for parents to abdicate their responsibilities to too great an extent.

However, in my first hand experience, insisting that kids be raised at home by a parent who leaves the workforce is no better than having both parents work and the kids spend a reasonable amount of time in daycare.

Again, I'm not saying this is your case. But in 20 years as a parent I have met many who cannot imagine that a parent would NOT be a stay-at-home type, and insist that is the only valid way to raise a child. It is not, and it offers its own set of opportunities to screw your kid up. If it works for you, particularly if you can use it as a method of making the other life changes you describe, then that's great!

In my family all money is our money. My wife stayed home with number 1 for 15 months and it didn't work out for her but money was never a point of contention. We are a team and we discuss all $$ spending together. Neither of us view our own income as "mine" it goes in an account together to pay for our family. So I don't think that will be a big concern for us.
Thanks for all the coments it gives me things to think about. Keep them coming!

I tried to convince my wife to go make more money so I could retire. She laughed at me. I'd probably get tired of all day every day with my kid though- TBQH. We currently work opposite shifts so that we can still see each other (she works overnights, I work from home) and mister gets to spend an equal allotment of time with the both of us, awake and asleep. He's still well socialized though because quite simply- I have too many car friends I wanna hang out with, so he hops in the recaro baby seat and we roll out. Wife is the same way... but with...whatever the hell kinda things she's into and the friends that go with that.

One of our MINI friends is one. Not so much by choice, but by circumstance. He got laid off from his IT job about 3 years ago. His wife got a good job in the city. He stays at home with their son. It seems to work well enough for them.

spitfirebill wrote:

Capt Slow wrote: I tried it for a very brief period. It was miserable, my wife quickly developed an attitude about the money being "hers" and all of my spending was scrutinized. I couldn't deal with it so I went out and found work. Unfortunately, all of "our" money is still hers....

In my family, her money is her money. My money is "our money".

My wifes favorite saying is "my money is my money, your money is my money"

Did they SATD thing when I retired from the military. My kids were older though, one in high school and one almost in middle school. The kids really only needed someone to come home to after school and a chaporone to keep them out of trouble. And I was also a full-time college student although I went in late afternoon/evenings. Summer time I drove the kids where they needed to be, did what needed to be done around the house like laundry, dishes, etc. Then made dinner for the girls and left for school around the time my wife got home, really shortly before she got home. During that time my E6 military retirement check was the major income source, my wife worked in a sewing factory at the time and I got to keep whatever was left from the VA education benefits check after paying tuition and buying books. Worked to have everything except house payed off when I retired so only had that, utilities and food. Later I worked part-time, first at an auto parts chain store then as an instructor at a small trade school teaching A&P license. Didn't have much for extras. Got tired of that and got a real job and moved to where the job was, where I am now.

I've been a SAHD since last April. Even though I'm now in school, I'm the primary care giver for our son.

It can be extremely rough. Connecting with other mothers can be difficult. A lot of time SAHD have a bit of a stigma. And for me personally, I find myself getting bored very easily. Granted my Son is only 1 year old. But when he's napping, I do a lot of cleaning and still have time to sit on my laptop doing a lot of nothing. For us, my wife wants to be home and sometimes has trouble feeling like she's connecting with our son.

If you and your wife are really on the same page I guess it would be fine. But it can be a big change.

Duke wrote: I don't have an issue with the primary caregiver being the father; I think that works either way and is good for both parent and child. One thing I question, though, is necessity of having EITHER parent stay at home full time. As a parent, I've heard lots of anti-daycare comments like "Nobody but ME is going to raise my kids." Guess what? In my experience, those are often the kids who are undersocialized and have difficulty coping with life in the real world, because they haven't been exposed to it and often have an overbearing parent who keeps them from developing. I'm not saying this is what you will do and it is not inevitable. It is equally possible (with often worse results) for parents to abdicate their responsibilities to too great an extent. However, in my first hand experience, insisting that kids be raised at home by a parent who leaves the workforce is no better than having both parents work and the kids spend a reasonable amount of time in daycare. Again, I'm not saying this is your case. But in 20 years as a parent I have met many who cannot imagine that a parent would NOT be a stay-at-home type, and insist that is the only valid way to raise a child. It is not, and it offers its own set of opportunities to screw your kid up. If it works for you, particularly if you can use it as a method of making the other life changes you describe, then that's great!

Your post troubles me, but I don't actually disagree with it. I am certain that children are generally better off when they are raised by caring parents as opposed to being dumped at daycare. However, so many parents today are obsessed with maximizing their income and indulging their materialistic fetishes. A parent who feels trapped at home with the kids is not going to make a good parent. So, as you say, what works for one may not work for another. But I do feel we'd all be better off with kids being raised at home with a parent caregiver who was in a parenting state of mind.

tho im sure i dont fit totally in this conversation. I was the breadwinner when our first child was born. then as i stopped working so much we became even. And now i work full time but mostly nights so that i have them most days. the 3 yo after having her as his primary care giver well latches onto her like u wouldnt believe with the exception of food. comes to me for food. (she cant cook) by the time our second was born i was a sahm. the 1 yo he is completely about me for everything. even when im at work he wont go to bed till i skype him and give him a kiss at night. going from working to doing all the cleaning raising the children ect was deff a very big transition. i deff work harder now between all the house stuff and then work at night than i ever did when i was pulling 60 to 70 hours of actual time in the shop a week. but on the plus side i sleep better than ever before. And yes be careful around groups of sahms we have one sahd in our group and he has quickly alienated most of us because he has made it very clear that he still leaves all the cooking cleaning and laundry for his wife because taking care of his 9 month old daughter is too much work to be able to get anything else done.

I've been a stay at home dad for just over 10 years. My last day of work was two days before my first was born and I quit work solely to stay at home. We have 4 kids, 10, 8, 6 and 4. We made the choice for a couple of reasons. The first was money, we always meant to have at least two kids and my pay would have made good quality day care for two kids pretty much a wash. With four it's no contest. Both my wife and I had our mom's stay at home when we were kids and we both felt that it was important. I will agree that good daycare is better than a E36 M3ty stay at home parent and we did go into it with the idea that if I couldn't handle it then we would do that.
Why me instead of my wife? Personality mostly. My wife is type A, needs to work and be successful to have a feeling of self worth. She couldn't be a stay at home mom and be happy, she knows that about herself and is ok with it. I, on the other hand, get almost no sense of accomplishment from work other than the paycheck. I was a geophycist, so I just chased numbers around a computer all day. Even when I did a really good job it was hard to look at the pretty colors on the screen and feel anything other than wanting to leave. I don't mind work, but it really doesn't do it for me. I do like taking care of things though. Both of my parents were vets and we always had something or another that needed to be nursed or taken care of and it always felt very natural to be in that position. I'm also a very laid back guy, it takes a lot to frustrate me or get me really upset. Most things just roll off of me. Combine the personalities with the fact that my wife made just about twice what I did, and her prospects for future earnings were at least a magnitude above mine, and it seemed like a good choice.
It's been wonderful and very hard. We breastfed the babies exclusively to between 6 and 9 months. No, I don't have boobs, but my wife pumped and I heated up milk and gave bottles. That meant that I was basically chained to the freezer for 6-9 months each time and that was hard. A long trip away from home without my wife was an hour and a half and involved feeding, quickly leaving, doing whatever, and racing back for more milk before the baby got too upset. I can tell you the hard parts that I've experienced with every age, and there are hard parts. I can also tell you about taking naps every day with my babies and making all of their baby food and being there at 3:00 every day to talk about school and help with homework. When they were little I took night classes at the community college so that I had time away to decompress. Like any job, the more I've done it the better at it I've gotten and by the time the last baby was born I didn't need any of that time that was required for my survival at first.
The big thing that makes is work for us is understanding on both of our parts. When my wife has to travel for work or work late or go in early, it's never a big deal. Part of why she has been so successful is because she can put forth effort that very few women her age can. When she's at work, she's 100% at work. No time off for sick kids, no leaving early because of day care issues, just work. When she's home, she's also 100% home. That means that I can go autocrossing and not feel guilty at all. I understand how much better it makes her day to come home to a clean house and a hot dinner. She understands that sometimes that just doesn't happen. We take care of each other. It works.
So far I've always had kids at home. In just over a year all of them will be in school full time. I haven't decided if I'll go back to work or not. I have some things that I need to get done around the house that I've been putting off for a decade, like rebuilding the garage. My wife has said quite candidly that she'd rather I not go back to work. We don't need the money and she would rather have the support than the cash. Whether I work again will be my decision. I've been happy being busy with kids, but I'm not so sure that I can be happy with nothing to do, nobody to take care of, all day. Incidentally, I knew this feeling was coming, that's why I had a vasectomy after the last kid. We would have totally had a rebound kid after the last started school just because I felt lonely.
Any questions about day to day stuff or anything else, just ask. I could literally write a book about the last decade.

Personally? Couldn't ever do it. My sons (3 of em, 7,4, and just now 1) would grow to hate me in short order. I don't deal well with: loud noises (guess what three boys make), messes (again...), or wildness (goes without saying). My wife, somehow, has developed the ability to deal with all three of those fairly well, all without killing any of the kids. Again, not for me.

That said- we've found that what works best for us is me in the rat race and my wife working part time/ freelance. She handles 80% of the mom heavy lifting, I pitch in as needed. I make a lot of the money, she pitches in there too. The old model where one partner does the working and the other does the child-rearing- I don't think it exists much any more, if it ever really did.

CN: Find what works for your family, don't sweat the haters that are all "daycare is evil" or "kids have to be socialized!" Seek the middle way.

This sounds like a terrible idea.