Suicide

foxtrapper wrote: Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug.

Drugs of the "fun" variety will only keep you happy for so long, I'm told benzos make you feel great, till you quickly develop a massive tolerance to them.

In reply to Kenny_McCormic:

Benzos (I mean come on, we are talking just Valium here) are still a valid medication if used correctly. My wife takes Valium, I take Klonipin.

I rarely post, as life hasn't allowed me to pursue my interest in cars and motorcycle as I would like, and just feel like a "poser", but this is something I can speak to. I've often heard people say that to take your own life is the most selfish thing you can do. In those moments when I've contemplated it, it seems completely rational for a multitude of reasons. Never assume that you will understand why somebody decides to commit suicide, you can't, because you're not them. I am employed, a company of blood sucking, greedy, @#%$!!! that do everything in their power to drain every bit of physical and emotional energy from you, but after 3 extended bouts of unemployment in the last 16 years, at least I have a job. Good wife, but after 30 years of marriage it's a challenge. 3 good kids, but there are days when I wake up and pray to God that He would kill me instead of having to face another day. Is this rational thought? Afterwards yes, but in that moment it is rational to me. Depression, anxiety, mental illness are real, you are sick and just like a physical ailment it can be treated. I've often told my children that we don't live life in a bubble, we rub shoulders daily with people we can encourage, so always remember that everybody changes the world, it's our choice as to how that will be. Thanks to those who have been shared their stories. At least I know I'm not the only one with these emotions.

i invite anybody who would just like to talk about some wacked out E36 M3 that your family and friends might not understand, please pm me, i check he here several times a day and would me more than happy to listen, read and rant with you anytime, i know of which we speak, "it's like someone took a knife, edgy and dull and cut a 6 inch valley deep in my skull, some nights you wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of your head......

This is not the happy-go-lucky, fun, suicide thread I thought it was going to be.

You lot need a tickle to cheer you up?

Katie,

It's no secret that I'm a clean and sober alcoholic and drug addict. Alcoholics and addicts are masters at not being responsible for their actions, and it's a game I know well.

I would have loved to have a friend I could hold responsible for my drinking, or my sobriety, or my life. From "it's not my fault you have booze in the house" to "well you weren't home to keep me from going out drinking, so really it's your fault" to "if you don't rush home and take this razor out of my hand I'm going to kill myself" with the unsaid "and it'll be your fault."

I applaud you your nobility, your intentions, your caring. I don't know what the alanon version of suicidals is, but find it. Suicide, stress and drama isn't new or novel on a college campus. There are people there familiar with it. They can help your room mate, and they can help you. If your running across a campus because she's saying she's going to slash herself if you don't stop her, she's shifted her life into your hands, and your being played. Your life is a mess from it, don't let her make you pay her price.

I am not saying she's a fake. She may well do it some time if you don't get home in time. She may well do it anyway even if you do. You cannot keep her alive. Her life is hers. Hers to wreck, to end, to enjoy. Your life is not hers to wreck. You need help with that.

If nothing else, find an alanon meeting. It's the adults, usually spouses, of alcoholics. A group of people successfully living with an alcoholic they love, frequently who is still drinking, destroying themselves in front of their eyes. A group of people successfully loving us, and letting go of what they cannot control, us.

I've thought about it many, many times over the last decade or so, and I've come "gun in my mouth" close before. And I'm sure I will again.

I'm not entirely sure what's stopped me each time, and I'm not entirely sure it will the next time. I'm getting help and all, but there are times when that help amounts to pissing up a rope.

I remember one time, the thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to be found in a messy car. Seriously.

It's often that last little thing that I'd have to get right that keeps me from actually going through with it. By the time I'd actually be ready to go, I have come down from it.

foxtrapper wrote: I would have loved to have a friend I could hold responsible for my drinking, or my sobriety, or my life. From "it's not my fault you have booze in the house" to "well you weren't home to keep me from going out drinking, so really it's your fault" to "if you don't rush home and take this razor out of my hand I'm going to kill myself" with the unsaid "and it'll be your fault."

I went through a similar situation with my ex who's an alcoholic. It's not that she tried to hold me responsible for her drinking, rather my attempts to help her always sent her into a rage. She was both physically and verbally abusive, but what could I do? I loved her, and it hurt me so much inside to watch her spin out of control. After lying about her grandmother dying just to get me to get off of her case, I finally left her, which is honestly what kept me from killing myself. She would get so angry with me if I spoke to anyone about her problem, so I wouldn't. I was stupid, trying to internalize all of it. I wish I had sought counseling, or alanon meetings. I still hate that I feel weak for not staying by her, but my leaving her finally got her to realize just how bad things were, and she got help.

I think nearly everybody has had the thought cross their mind more than once, I know it occurred to me and can say the few times it crossed mine it was not something I was ever really serious about. That's not to belittle it in any way, it's only my personal experience.

My ex was a different story, she was on all kinds of bipolar meds, she took just about a full bottle once. The docs told me that the chances of her dying or being permanently injured were extremely remote and I am thinking she was well aware of that, meaning it was a cry for attention. (In her case, there was no way to ever give her enough attention, it was impossible.) It scared the hell out of me but the worst part which I don't think I can forgive her for is that my daughter (9 years old at the time) is the one who found her. That's a helluva thing to drop on a 9 year old kid, dammit.

As I said, I'm not trying to belittle the feelings. What I do have a problem with is for someone to do something like that as the ultimate cry for attention and also to try to hurt those closest to them, that's difficult for me to accept. It's what really bothers me the most about my friend Kyle doing it; I saw and experienced the aftermath. His GF said that he had told her why he was going to do it and that he was going to teach everyone a lesson. Why 'teach a lesson' to the very people trying their hardest to help?

I have been told that I am not understanding enough; guilty as charged.

Curmudgeon wrote: What I do have a problem with is for someone to do something like that as the ultimate cry for attention and also to try to hurt those closest to them, that's difficult for me to accept.

You seem to understand pretty well, that line right there is pretty much all that usually held me back from offing myself.

With others though, they can't handle life anymore to a point where that thought is overridden by "berkeley it, I'm outta here".

Kenny_McCormic wrote: pills to (somewhat) even out a very undesirable, not family forum friendly side effect of SSRIs.

That's what I was most worried about when starting back up on anxiety meds about 6-7 weeks ago. Been on/off them for well over a decade.

Fortunately/unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) I seem to be in the very, very small minority that has had the exact opposite of the typical side-effects of that nature. It's increased "desire" to an almost untenable point.

Sometimes, frankly, it just seems like life is just more trouble than it's worth.

I can understand that. A few years back, my entire world fell apart; the ex had just gone completely over the edge, I lost my job and had to take one at much lower pay working for an abusive raging alcoholic, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and there were a few other things going on that just became overwhelming. I was real damn depressed, there were some 3AM staring at the ceiling nights I'd just as soon forget along with one time standing in a store when I just had no idea what to do next. I'm sure security was watching me REAL close. It still wasn't enough to make me do myself in and that was in no small part due to not wanting my daughter to have that kind of thing hanging over her head. I mean, a mother in the funny farm and a suicide father? What kind of crap is that to lay on a kid?

z31maniac wrote:

Kenny_McCormic wrote: pills to (somewhat) even out a very undesirable, not family forum friendly side effect of SSRIs.

That's what I was most worried about when starting back up on anxiety meds about 6-7 weeks ago. Been on/off them for well over a decade. Fortunately/unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) I seem to be in the very, very small minority that has had the exact opposite of the typical side-effects of that nature. It's increased "desire" to an almost untenable point.

I just got the typical "delay" problem, buspar evens it out enough.

I don't have much first- or even second-hand experience, but judging from the ads on TV and the stories I have heard, anti-depressants are damn near as bad as just being depressed, if not even worse sometimes. My deepest sympathies to anyone suffering through that.

Duke wrote: I don't have much first- or even second-hand experience, but judging from the ads on TV and the stories I *have* heard, anti-depressants are damn near as bad as just being depressed, if not even worse sometimes. My deepest sympathies to anyone suffering through that.

They can be bad, but if when the right one/combination is found for the right situation, they are a godsend (never been on one, but I've been around them)

A friend of mine in high school attempted to take his life about 4 months ago.

I knew he had some internal struggles going on and was fighting some mental battles inside. I always made sure to talk to him and communicate with him as he is a bit introverted/socially awkward. At the forefront of my mind was that he had attempted to take his life last year (I never found out the details). I tried to show him that I cared about him even though his peers ignored him and his parents verbally abused him (don't get me started about how angry that made me).

One day we were walking to class and he told me that last night he held a pistol to his mouth and pulled the trigger. I'm not sure what happened but he must have put it in the wrong chamber Thank God. I proceeded to get him the care that he needed.

I talked a lot with my dad about it afterwards. In a way I was relieved he felt comfortable enough to confide in me about what happened. But I was and am still hurt that he didn't say a thing to me beforehand and try to talk about what he was feeling. From reading this thread, that appears to be normal but I still feel guilty that the only thing that saved him was a stroke of chance.

I have tried to understand why people decide to end their life and have gone deep into my inner self to try to figure out what would make me feel that way. I thank God I do not feel that urge. I completely sympathize for everyone out there that feels that way though.

I know some may think it's cheesy/cliche, but what helps keep my morale up, besides being around people that care about me, is watching motivational videos/speeches. Guys like Eric Thomas and Les Brown make you feel like nothing is impossible and my greatest wish is for every single person to be able to feel the same way.

Stay strong, more people than you may realize care about you. Keep talking about how you feel, people will listen.

Dream - motivational video

Cool_Hand_Luke wrote: I know some may think it's cheesy/cliche, but what helps keep my morale up, besides being around people that care about me, is watching motivational videos/speeches. Guys like Eric Thomas and Les Brown make you feel like nothing is impossible and my greatest wish is for every single person to be able to feel the same way.

Not cliche at all. For some it is music.

It took me a long time to realize that people that I felt like I was bothering when I needed someone to talk to were often the most willing, and usually most concerned about me at the time.

And I can definitely attest to the adverse side effects of certain SSRIs. I'm 28 and hardly ever "in the mood".

Sometimes, frankly, it just seems like life is just more trouble than it's worth.

that's my point exactly, have i got to put up with this E36 M3 for 70 years??? E36 M3!!! it's extreme boaring....

The wrote:

Sometimes, frankly, it just seems like life is just more trouble than it's worth.

that's my point exactly, have i got to put up with this E36 M3 for 70 years??? E36 M3!!! it's extreme boaring....

More often than I'd like to admit its not for me that I keep going. As much as I never wanted a kid, mine has probably saved my life.... As I refuse to fail him plain and simple.

An agreement my wife and I have is that I get to keep a good stereo, because music is something that helps center me. It's also a hobby that keeps me busy, buying and trading gear, and forcing myself to have social interaction with others.

This is a pretty remarkable thread, considering the usual bravado and one upmanship of the internet. I'm an ER doc, and I'd just like to say that you can always go to the ER if you don't feel safe with yourself or think you're going to attempt suicide. I see a lot of "cries for help" but also the occasional person who is truly suicidal and would likely finish the job if they didn't come in. Fact of the matter is, it's a disease with altered brain chemistry, and you can indeed have a great life but feel terrible. Unfortunately, there's still a big stigma about mental illness and people who think you just need to cheer up. Nothing further from the truth.

Two things. First off, I have an Uncle who is the most amazing guy, but has down days where he won't get out of bed. I think his record is two weeks without showering, changing clothes, going outside, or speaking to anyone. He won't answer the phone or door during these times. He's such an awesome guy that I can't imagine how low those lows are since he's so great to be around the rest of the time.

Secondly, and based on the above. I don't get it. It may as well be childbirth. I cannot fathom those feelings. I've really never been depressed, not even for a moment or two. I've been sad, mad and everything else, but I've never felt that way and cannot imagine what is would be like. He's helped me see how much of disaster it can be. Terrible thing.

Anyway, I enjoyed the stories. I am reading with interest.