Whenever someone starts showing off their new vehicle, I admire it for a while and then I say "does it have the heated tailgate?(trunklid if its a car)" and then they look confused and I say "well I thought all Fords(berkleys/kia's or whatever it is) have heated tailgates." and of course they ask why it would need a heated tailgate and i tell them its so their hands won't get cold when they are pushing.
Works every time. What have you all got?
Whenever someone says "I've been thinking..." my reply is "Don't think. You weaken the nation." Got that one from a coworker who was a real abrasive jerk (in a good way). Never fails to get an ugly look.
Having brunch with the family, my BIL was bragging about how he never tips for service.
I said " I know, I can tell by your haircut".
FIL nearly choked on his coffee.
NickD said:Whenever someone says "I've been thinking..." my reply is "Don't think. You weaken the nation." Got that one from a coworker who was a real abrasive jerk (in a good way). Never fails to get an ugly look.
My response to "I've been thinking" is "I thought I smelled something burning!"
If I worked as hard as you do, I could go home well rested.
A good friend of mine in highschool didn't get along well with someone. That guy called him a pu$$y. Without a beat my friend just said "well, you are what you eat" and walked away. The other dude's jaw just dropped, speechless. One of the best comebacks I've ever heard.
Another one, mine this time. If I'm not feeling well or just not functioning right, I usually say "I'm not firing on all gears today". First time I said it was completely accidental.
"That's a really nice looking body kit on your Fiero"
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
Nobody driving down 30 is going to see that. (Context: when I was digging holes and planting office buildings, they were on the side of route 30. This was an immediate response to anything that didn't look PERFECT)
NickD said:Whenever someone says "I've been thinking..." my reply is "Don't think. You weaken the nation." Got that one from a coworker who was a real abrasive jerk (in a good way). Never fails to get an ugly look.
My response to that one is "Don't hurt yourself."
Also stuff like "The engine's running but no one is behind the wheel" this is frequently for our youngest dog. Because he's a complete derp. He will literally walk up to a door or closed blinds and start barking.
Back when I was into 2nd generation firebirds.
Went for breakfast with my friend at the diner. Pulled in to the parking lot to see his Brewster green 73 Formula 400 in a spot. Next two spots were taken up by a c5 Corvette. I parked my silver 80 Turbo T/A in the next spot and went inside.
My friend is at the counter. I sit down next to him and order my breakfast. He looks at me and I can see what's brewing in his mind.
He turns on his stool and says to the middle age guy at a table wearing a Corvette jacket: "Hey, you driving that 'vette outside?".
Corvette guy: "yeah"
My friend: "Nice of your dad to lend it to you".
"Try not to live up to all my expectations."
I heard one spoken to indicate cluelessness but thought in reality it was quite the low key burn. Portrayed here with generics but insert any other combination of vehicles at will.
Blue Mustang guy loudly revs pulling into gas station.
Other guy walks up and is like "oh man that thing is awesome!"
Mustang guy: "Oh yeah, its an 87 302 with 3 quarter race cam, straight pipe, etc."
Other guy: "Oh sweet my brother had one just like it but it was green and a Camaro!"
After the Challenge this past year we had a dinner where we all hung out. As I got up to leave I said something along the lines of "Gentlemen, Bob, it was good seeing you all."
A female coworker once said berkeley you to me. I looked at her up and down and said no thanks. She ended up being my girlfriend several months later and told me that she took that come back as a challenge.
In traffic one day driving a 1932 Auburn Speedster.
Older couple in the car next to me. Wife asks "How old is that car?"
I reply "From 1932"
Wife: "Wow, it's older than me!"
Husband: "Not by much!"
I left before I ended up being a witness.
They are always off the cuff and I usually forget them soon after. Memory like a steel sieve, I've got!
We had a Secret Santa thing at work. I walked in day-of empty handed, and was instantly hit with an inspiration. "Sorry (service manager), I accidentally flushed your present this morning..."
Toast at my BILs wedding:
Of all the people I've met, you're definitely one of them.
Stampie said:A female coworker once said berkeley you to me. I looked at her up and down and said no thanks. She ended up being my girlfriend several months later..
Try that at work nowadays. You'll be in HR so fast.
Coworker just trying to be friendly: "What's up?"
me: "hard ons and helicopters."
I remember watching a guy get hit with one that would have been me if I was one place further in line.
"So let me get this straight, you didn't have time to do it right but you have time to do it twice?"
That boy is as sharp as the edge of town.
ShawnG said:Toast at my BILs wedding:
Of all the people I've met, you're definitely one of them.
Toast amongst my university friends:
I'd rather be with you people than with the finest people in the world.
Answering someone's questions about their pet at the last autocross, I asked, "How long has it been going on?"
"A while."
"A while is not a unit of time."
It's not just good... It's good enough.
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