The crazy things kids say - post 'em here.

Alright, gurmurs, here it is, the thread you didn't know you weren't even waiting for:  Kids Say the Darndest Things, GRM style.  Post all the goofball, precocious, ridiculous, unexpected, out-of-context stuff your precious little offspring come up with.  Extra points for grassy-rootsy or automotive content, but not required.  As always, the rules of the  joint we're classing up and basic social decorum dictate that you refrain from using the forum as a showcase for whatever adorable political or religious leanings they've collected.  Yes, you.  Especially you.  Otherwise, give us approximate ages and whatever context is necessary for good storytelling, and let 'er rip, tater chip.

First one to start us off:

Little Monohue, age four and one-half of your earth years, eating Cheez-Its loudly: "I'm crunching up the Cheez-Its into cheese juice."
Crunching continues: "I'm a cheese juice factory!"
Crunching louder now, and making a sort of mechanical groaning sound: "That's just my cheese-making process..."

Younger daughter, about age 5, 1994- " Daddy, you should stop watching racing on TV and go do it."

She just wanted to watch her shows, but I took it to heart.

Me doing the annual wake up the Q45 for the Challenge.  Already jacked up the car and about to hit the starter with a hammer because it wouldn't start. 

Lil Stampie about 9 sitting in the driver's seat "Dad is it supposed to be in park?" Pause "Yes." Started right up. 

Out with my buddy at Tim Hortons, he had his daughter along. She was about 6.

She was having chocolate Timbits. 

She looks at the black guy at the table next to us and whispers (not very quietly) "he looks like he's made of chocolate!".

I'm so glad he laughed.

When I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her three year physical, she absolutely refused to talk during the cognitive assessment part.
 

"What kind of sound does a dog make?"  Nothing.
 

Holds up a picture of a horse: "What kind of animal is this?". Nothing. 
 

"She knows this stuff", I said, but the doctor just looked at me skeptically. 
 

It was a nice day and when we got home, she wanted to ride her bike in the driveway. Then she asked me, "Daddy, how come when I smile, my shadow doesn't smile too?"

What kind of sound does a dog make?

Shaking my head... I think she was just insulted by the doctor's line of questioning. 

My daughter looked at the blueberry in a blueberry muffin and said "that's not a fish"

My 5 year old son comes waltzing into the living room wearing nothing but a pair of camo undershorts (I'm not sure why those even exist), puts his hands on his hips like he is daring the world, and loudly proclaims "You can't see me!  I'm wearing camo underwear!!"

Another son at about the same age was very confused his first time at the $20XX Challenge and asked me, "But Dad. How come they aren't dragging anything?"

My (now 8 year old) on her first day of kindergarten...

Said something I will never forget.

We were waiting in the car rider line and all of the parents were also experiencing the car riser line and how it worked for the first time.  Lots of bone headed moves.  Lots of cutting people off.  Lots of just not being aware of how to drive.  

I think I said something along the lines of: I hope these people learn how to drive in the next few days.

She hits me with " these berkeleying drivers are being silly".

I asked her what she had just said to make sure I heard it correctly.  She (quietly) repeated it.

I said, well, find a more polite way to say it next time, but I'm proud of your excellent grasp of the language! 

My 7 yr old daughter and I were sitting at the kitchen table. I was working from home, she was 'distance learning' (covid). Today's lesson is antonyms. I hear her say hot, cold. Wet, dry. Soft, hard. Hot, cold. Harry, bald. I noticed a long pause and looked up over my laptop to see her staring at me. And as soon as wee make eye contact..."You're right in the middle of that last one aren't you?"

Niece was about 5 (18 yrs ago) and came up to brother with a piece of paper covered in gibberish. 

"Daddy, I wrote you a letter.  It's in Spanish!"

"That's great sweetheart (looking at the gibberish)... What does it say?"

Niece replies, insulted, "How do I know?  I don't speak Spanish!"

Teenage son commented the other day that "horses are like cars, only you can eat them in an emergency." 

I'd like to attribute that comment to him reading a fair bit of history about battles and expeditions, etc rather than mind altering drugs. 

We were taking care of our friends chickens years ago. My youngest, probably 4 at the time was walking around the yard, stooping down at each chicken and examining them. After examining each one at a short distance walks up to Mrs. Boost and says "chicken butts don't exist. Human butts exist, but chickens don't have butts."

My mom got us a book to write down the ridiculous things our kids have said.  Actually went through it the other day. 

One of the highlights:

#1 (girl, 6ish) comes running to the living room with #3 (boy, 4ish) running behind yelling "no no no no no"

#1:  Daddy, Enoch hit me!

Me:  Did you hit your sister?

#3:  Yes, but God loves bad people too.  
 

I kept a list of things my kids have said.  Like everyone else, all around age five.

"I'm going to marry a nice girl that doesn't run away from me and shares."  That's what I did, son.

"I'm the guy of the dudes.  I'm going to turbo this whole place."

"They're terrible shoes, but at least they're good for squeaking."

"Krang Danglers" =Bojangles

Dr. Sweats

Detective Gross Toe

A summer storm knocked out the power several days and it was hot in the house.  I said ,"If it would rain, it would cool the house off".  My wife said, "If the wind would blow, it would cool the house off."  My son said, "If we could catch a raccoon, we could let it loose in the house and watch it run around."

My wife and I grew up in New Orleans.  There are probably 5 or 6 distinct accents the people have in this long term multi-race, multi-cultural city (none of them the "Southern Accent" by the way).  If you grow up there, and interacted with the different classes of people in the different neighborhoods, you can understand all of them.  

My children grew up in the white bread  part of Houston.  I don't think they were exposed to any accents other than mass media English.

So we are visiting New Orleans, taking a  mule carriage ride around the French Quarters, and a local black transvestite in a colorful dress comes up and get into a huge conversation with our coachman, also black.  Wife and I understood the conversation perfectly but they are definitely not speaking in the English you would hear on TV.

Oldest daughter, age 10 at that time,  says "Daddy, is she speaking English?"  Then says "That's really a man, right?"

flat4_5spd said:

Teenage son commented the other day that "horses are like cars, only you can eat them in an emergency." 

I'd like to attribute that comment to him reading a fair bit of history about battles and expeditions, etc rather than mind altering drugs. 

Maybe, maybe not. My stone sober 15 year old tried to put a bra on her butt the other night because she was bored and didn't know which was bigger. 

Top 10 in class rankings so far this year ladies and gentlemen, and half her shirts have a TGIF tag in them. 

My Kindergartner recently asked his Grandma, "Why am I the main character in my family?"

My buddy hired Russians new to the country to work in his renovating business. They were doing a job in our kitchen and discussing it as they went, when my eldest son, about 4 at the time whispered, Mom, why don't they know how to talk?

Our youngest son inherited my ability to miss hear lyrics. When ever his favourite show would come on TV he would sing loudly, Transformers, robots and two guys. We still use that one around the house. Last week I told PW that something that recently happened may turn out to be a blessing and two guys.

When Lil Stampie was 3 we were at the red light where Brumos Porsche used to be located. He saw all the cars inside and asked me if that was where cars went home at night to sleep. 

My niece Annie was in the age 4-5 range on a large family trip (parents 40th anniversary) out west.  Annie is the child where you know who'd be eating whom if you were stranded together on a desert island.

We were yanking the younger kid's chains, telling not to get too far from the campfire, or the jackalopes might get them.

Annie just commented, "I wonder what jackalope meat tastes like?"

Our boy was about 2, in the car seat in back, mom was driving, I was riding shotgun and Grandma was middle back seat and great grandma was behind mom. Little did I know this normal boring drive was gonna go life-threatening. Because during a lull in the conversation, in a loud, clear , articulate and characteristically deep voice, Ian announced to his captive audience, "*I* have a Big Penis" 

And Great Grandma said "what did he say?"

And if I'd been driving I don't know that I woulda been able to steer. To this day I don't know how she kept us on the road...Imean, I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight. 

I just remembered another one.  When my son was learning to read, he saw the Daewoo sign below and asked if it said "Underwear".

Woody (Forum Supportum) said:

When I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her three year physical, she absolutely refused to talk during the cognitive assessment part.

My son did a similar disservice to me. Instead of not replying he replied, "Mama." Every question "Mama." 
 

We are getting ready to end the appointment he asks the doctor, "can I have a sticker?" What a little stinker. 

When the 3yo was somewhere between 1.5 and 2 she would yell  "I'm coming, I'm coming, wait!" When she didn't want to miss out on something.  Except it didn't sound like that. Somehow it sounded exactly like she was running through the house hollering  "DAMMIT, DAMMIT, WAIT!" at the top of her lungs.

I was kind of sad when that phase ended