Venting...kids and college

Depends on what she wants to do with her life. If she wants MBA/CEO/consultanting track go u of Chicago. The money will work out

Also fit is very important, a free education where that she derives little benefit from is worthless. Paying some money and getting an inspired education is priceless.

Mitchell wrote: Let me get this straight: people want to live in Maryland?

Yes, we would just rather the people who ruin it didn't.

From what I've heard, U of MD is supposed to be a good school, but what the berkeley do I know, I dropped out of high school and hang ductwork for a living.

Datsun1500 wrote: It's not 0 vs 120k. Chicago at 39k is out. Arizona is free. Maryland is 36k. It's 0 vs 36.

Quite true. To me its not even a matter of the money, it's not my money to argue about. It's more that I would like her to learn to be appreciative of the great FREE opportunity she has and not be scared into staying close to home.

I'm a firm believer that college is much more about what you put into it than the school itself so while yes Chicago is a great school I don't find it to be worth its price. But again, not my money

Put me in the 'free school' camp too. She has a chance to graduate debt free and that's a huge plus in today's world.

FWIW, my kid just got recommended for and has accepted/enrolled in IB (International Baccalaureate) classes in no small part because of the much broader scholarship opportunities.

Just a thought: U of AZ clearly thinks very highly of your daughter, so why not ask them to put you in touch with a recent grad who lives nearby, to talk about the experience? "Nearby" can be elastic, of course, but – since we're dreaming here – maybe somebody from MD who went to AZ, loved it, graduated, and got her dream job back in MD? Hey, you never know.

JThw8 wrote: I don't mean to sound like a horrible dad, I love my daughter and would do anything for her, that's why Im venting here, because I just know so many kids who did well, worked hard and dont have the options she has today and it seems she is not very appreciative of what a great opportunity she has been handed.

Do you forget what it is like to be 18/ a teenager?

I've never understood this strange way "adults" (I am an adult, but referring to ones with children) seem to magically forget what it was like to be that age.

Right off the bat, you are being negative about the fact that while your daughter succeeded highly, the cruel world we live in shorted her on the deal. Life sucks. Being bitter and jaded at 18 doesn't make it better.

What you say in the last comment says it all: "she is not very appreciative". F. THAT. NOISE.

From the sounds of it, she is a great kid. Worked hard. DESERVED to be placed at Chicago. She's allowed to be disappointed. What makes you so special that you've never been treated unfairly after busting your ass? And not just busting your ass for one year, but three years (which at 18 is an eternity). And then she doesn't get the right to be a bit sad about it? E36 M3, most people don't have any semblance of emotional self control until well into their 20's. But you'd E36 M3 on your daughters hopes and dreams at the best education, the ONLY thing that has probably "truly" mattered or been a big picture item in her life. EVER.

I'd certainly get pissed if she missed the cutoff date to accept. But anything more than that just comes off as being an ass. I agree that there is definitely a path financially that makes the most sense, but as a smart young woman, her opportunities are quite literally endless at this point in time. Some people don't like being away from family. And this is coming from a guy that loves his family, but won't let it stop him from doing/seeing things in life even if it means not being able to see them in person.

I r colloge educkated, and during my time in said coolage, I never witnessed anyone drop out from homesickness. Going to school for free will pay off a hundred-fold.

I went to a private school near U of A and a lot of my students (I was an RA) had some kind of home sickness in the first semester. I set up a variety of events for the kids so they'd build a community of their own and have a good time. Doing that really helped out the kids and it sounds like your daughter is outgoing enough to be able to make some great friends.

Arizona isn't really that far, just a few hours by airplane and people can visit.

Have her look into Ball State, I could always look after her for you.......[/creepy pedovan driver voice].

There are surely other options, but time is a factor here. From going through this less than a decade ago, I might be better able to relate. I had applied to Ball State, Purdue, USI, and thanks to my uncle, South Carolina. I was accepted to USI almost instantly(least expensive in state with no tuition assistance), turned down by Purdue, accepted to SC(with 1/4 tuition assistance), and somehow received an offer from Clemson for half tuition assistance even though I had never applied. I was evidently accepted to BSU, but the letter was lost in the mail and I didn't find out until after I was already at USI. I made that choice myself as I didn't want to burden my family if, as I feared, college wasn't right for me.

Money, fear of disappointment, distance, strangeness, and a general feeling of stress overload should be going through her head. Once my mind was made up, there was no stopping it. If your daughter was anything like I was at 18, you'll either be completely right or wrong, she will end up wanting to choose for herself and want that decision supported. I personally believe that is your best move to not push one option or the other. Incentives work best if you must try swaying things.

Have you asked Chicago to pony up some cash or risk losing a stellar future alumnus?

Az isnt even a 5 hour plane ride home. We're staring down about 70k total after swmbo finishes her masters next year when you put our student loans together. I've only gotten through my AA. Thats not including the tech school loan I pulled out before we got together, I blame the ex, I really do.. A friend of ours graduated last summer from vet school with a whopping 300k total, she did go to school in scottland though. Guess what? She cant find work either, unless its voluteer work. 1800 dollars a month in student loan payments are starting to kick in.

You could just let her know this isnt going to be a quick trip....

http://m.washingtonexaminer.com/mcdonalds-want-ad-demands-bachelors-degree-two-years-experience-for-cashier/article/2526145

English major... When she graduates she's going to need all the financial help she can get. I'd remind the ex of that...

I'll start off by saying that it sounds like Arizona is the route she should probably go, for all of the reasons mentioned above and probably a few more too.

The other disclaimer is that this is parenting advice from somebody who is not a parent yet...So maybe it's worth exactly what you've paid for it. Of course, only time will tell if I am also able to take my own advice 19 or so years from now.

With that being said, her mother has some valid points that really need to be talked about directly with your daughter (and her mother) without being dismissive of them. A fair analysis must look at both the pros and the cons of every option, where as right now it sounds like one party is focusing mostly on the pros while the other may be focusing on the cons. This is actually a great opportunity to indirectly teach her more about how to approach making these kinds of difficult decisions, and in addition to all the great aspects, also going into it with the best understanding possible of the sacrifices any given decision will inevitably involve. While far from insurmountable, the logistics will certainly be challenging to say the least. Things like how will moving in/out each year be handled? Will she be returning half way across the country via car with all of her worldly possessions each time? Or will she leave everything unattended down there even during extended periods of returning home? I don't know where in MD she lives, but I assume Boston is the most likely to have direct flights somewhere. A brief internet search yielded no direct flights from Tucson to Boston. Once travel to/from the airports, arriving early, getting baggage, etc is all factored in, it's going to be the better part of one full day shot traveling each direction. This means no easy weekend trips home to see family or friends. And as was previously noted, teens simply don't think like adults. So while it's possible that she's being influenced by her mothers separation anxiety (which is a perfectly normal parental instinct), which probably does play into it on at least some level too, it's also equally likely that she really just hadn't considered yet just how difficult it might be to live that far away and all of the other challenges she will face along with it. These are just some of the potential concerns she could be having right now, but you'll only know with any certainty what they are and how significant they are once you've had an open and honest discussion about it...And by open and honest discussion, I mean her doing most of the talking and you doing most of the listening. As smart as she sounds, once she's had the opportunity to really talk through all of it, I would expect she'll come to most of the same conclusions as you already have of (mostly) her own accord.

$36k will buy many plane tickets back home if she gets homesick

As a college student nearing the completion of my undergraduate degree, I can empathize with her aspirations to go to the best school possible. The name on the institution's door is one of the first measures of personal achievement faced by many young adults. To look past acceptance into a great school takes a lot of restraint and personal responsibility. Perhaps something to remind her is that a lower-cost school can allow greater freedom in changing majors and finding the right field. When tuition is $39k/year, I imagine that there will be a lot more pressure to take as few classes as possible.

If she doesn't go to Arizona and plays it safe staying nearby home she will always wonder what she missed out on. And like someone else said of she doesn't like it stick it out for a year then transfer. Nothing lost then she could go to the other one.

I can tell you this as a guy that has done a lot of hiring of high potential young ones recently, the school name does get your foot in the door. It dosent mean a state school person can't compete just harder to get in the interview room. All things equal a U of Chicago person would get an interview a lot easier than a U of A person. It ain't right, but it is what it is.

Wait sorry, missed the English major thing. My sister was an English major. Ugh. Does your daughter want to write, teach or do copy for an advertiser? Those choices should be part if her school choice. My sister wanted to write for magazines so she went to school in NYC and archived her goal. The proximity helped a great deal.

HiTempguy wrote:

JThw8 wrote: I don't mean to sound like a horrible dad, I love my daughter and would do anything for her, that's why Im venting here, because I just know so many kids who did well, worked hard and dont have the options she has today and it seems she is not very appreciative of what a great opportunity she has been handed.

Do you forget what it is like to be 18/ a teenager? I've never understood this strange way "adults" (I am an adult, but referring to ones with children) seem to magically forget what it was like to be that age. Right off the bat, you are being negative about the fact that while your daughter succeeded highly, the cruel world we live in shorted her on the deal. Life sucks. Being bitter and jaded at 18 doesn't make it better. What you say in the last comment says it all: "she is not very appreciative". F. THAT. NOISE. From the sounds of it, she is a great kid. Worked hard. DESERVED to be placed at Chicago. She's allowed to be disappointed. What makes you so special that you've never been treated unfairly after busting your ass? And not just busting your ass for one year, but three years (which at 18 is an eternity). And then she doesn't get the right to be a bit sad about it? E36 M3, most people don't have any semblance of emotional self control until well into their 20's. But you'd E36 M3 on your daughters hopes and dreams at the best education, the ONLY thing that has probably "truly" mattered or been a big picture item in her life. EVER. I'd certainly get pissed if she missed the cutoff date to accept. But anything more than that just comes off as being an ass. I agree that there is definitely a path financially that makes the most sense, but as a smart young woman, her opportunities are quite literally endless at this point in time. Some people don't like being away from family. And this is coming from a guy that loves his family, but won't let it stop him from doing/seeing things in life even if it means not being able to see them in person.

Datsun1500 wrote: The original venting is not wether or not he has a good kid. He is frustrated that the girls mother is convincing her to ignore a great opportunity that she earned because of the mothers own insecurities. Am I the only one that sees that? Yes, the daughter got into her first choice school. That being said, #2 offered her a free ride. It's perfectly reasonable to say, sorry, I'm not spending (or letting you borrow) $120,000 when I don't have to. You earned a free education, congratulations, now take it.

In HiTemps defense if you only read my first post which was an off the cuff vent then it does come across much as he states. With the exception that I am personally not being negative or thinking the world shorted her, that's the message she is projecting and it is coming from her mother. Life is hard, we don't always get what we want, I'd rather she (and more importantly those adults helping her through this decision) focus on the great opportunity she has in front of her, one which very few other kids get, rather than dwell on whether or not life is fair. She has enjoyed 18 years of the comforts and opportunities that being a middle class white kid brings so to be bitter that she is being "held back" from her dream because of it is silly. I have not E36 M3 on her hopes and dreams of a better education. I have supported her throughout the process to the point of offering financial assistance where I could. Hell if I had 160k to pay for her schooling I'd do it so she can have what she deserves despite the fact that I disagree with it.

But as you (Datsun) have obviously read the rest of the thread without skimming you have been able to see where I course corrected and got to the root of my vent.

For those suggesting other schools, she has been accepted to 6 out of the 7 schools she applied to and is done applying, I tried to get her to look into some other places but she has been very good about choosing schools which have good programs for what she wants to do as well as a culture and lifestyle in which she can feel comfortable and adjust.

She will do well no matter what she chooses, and it is ultimately her choice with the exception that neither her mother nor I will allow her to go into debt to achieve her goals when she has debt free options. She will have my support no matter what she chooses, hell I'd personally LOVE for her to go to MD because then I could still see her on a regular basis. As it is with her living in MD and me in NJ I've spent her life getting to see her maybe one weekend a month and it's only gotten harder to do that as she gets older and develops a life and interests that take up her time. But I also know the regret of missed opportunities and how much chance for growth and self discovery that exist by getting away from home.

Mitchell wrote: Let me get this straight: people want to live in Maryland?

Let me get this straight: people want to live in Florida?

HiTempguy wrote: What you say in the last comment says it all: "she is not very appreciative". F. THAT. NOISE.

And Im going to address this separately because it deserves it. I know not of what age or generation you are and I'll go into my old man get off my lawn mode for a minute.

This is exactly the kind of BS that many (certainly not all) of the younger generation spew that kills me. Yes she worked very hard, and that very hard work paid off in a full scholarship to a good school, but its not the school she wants. To not appreciate the opportunity in front of her is no better than that video that made the rounds where the teen girl cried over the brand new car she got for her birthday because it was blue and she wanted red.

Some people work very hard and never get a car, or a free college education. So yes I do expect her to be respectful and appreciative of the things which she is given AND earns in life. It is a lesson I will continue to teach her and feel no guilt or shame for doing. I will never let her say berkeley that noise, and act like a spoiled brat.

Ian F wrote: English major... When she graduates she's going to need all the financial help she can get. I'd remind the ex of that...

QFT. Mrs. InKansas is a history major with a minor in english. She had no job for almost 18 months after graduation, and finally was hired as a police officer.

Also worth noting: In my (limited) experience, most employers don't care all that much where you got your degree, just so long as you got it. (The exception being brain surgery, nuclear physics, law, and the like.)

Also: +1 to being far enough away that Mom and Dad don't decide to drop in unannounced at 7:30 on Saturday morning after you've been out partying Friday night til 4:00am. Been there, did that. It was Mom and Grandmother, though. I was wretchedly hungover, and they knew it. Ah college.

JThw8 wrote: I know not of what age or generation you are

come on ... I'm no where near the most computer literate person on here ... but all ( in this case) you have to do is click on his avatar ......

The University of Maryland is a very good school. And only $9,000 a year in tuition is a small student loan to pay off afterwards (relatively speaking, of course). Go Terps!

That being said, I'd rather be debt-free after graduation, especially if I was getting a degree that is not in high demand...

Sky_Render wrote: The University of Maryland is a very good school. And only $9,000 a year in tuition is a small student loan to pay off afterwards (relatively speaking, of course). Go Terps!

That's 36,000, minimum, in debt... to be handled with an English degree. That's not a wise investment.

Osterkraut wrote:

Sky_Render wrote: The University of Maryland is a very good school. And only $9,000 a year in tuition is a small student loan to pay off afterwards (relatively speaking, of course). Go Terps!

That's 36,000, minimum, in debt... to be handled with an English degree. That's not a wise investment.

Yes, see the second paragraph in my post.