Going to visit a long time friend this weekend.
She has terminal cancer. She's only a few years older than me, in her early/mid 60's
Her husband passed in 2005. I used to introduce him to people as my big brother. He died as result of a botched surgery at 58.
To add to the fun, I've lost 2 other friends to cancer this week, plus a nephew and his wife had a still born baby on Sunday.
This has not been a great week.
Not looking for sympathy, just needed to vent. This seems to help.
Well, I'd start with the libation(s) of choice, and a reminisce of all the good times. People in that state know their odds better than you do, don't make it weird.
Go, hang out, be a friend, and nod along that cancer berkeleying sucks.
I once took an old vet to dialysis each saturday who had lost the use of their arms and legs due to dialysis, diabetes, and other cardiac issues. Us Ambulance screwheads, the clinics, the VA and their nursing home were basically their life when family didn't come- they couldn't even hold their grandchild. But they made sure, that I never ever say goodbye anymore.
"I always say hello; I never say goodbye." I can still hear them tell me on a gurney. I hope that helps even just a little.
A wonderful friend who was dying of cancer told me during one of our last visits, "Compassion/sympathy is the coin of the realm."
With that in mind, listening is probably a great start, and the best part about listening is that lessens your worry about what you say. When all else fails, focus on the present moment and the things you can share.
Hope this helps!
I had a neighbor I was close with who had terminal cancer, and well remember the day she actually invited me to her funeral herself. I told her most people weren't polite enough to issue a personal invitation, which cracked us both up. (Of course I went home and cried.) We had a few really good conversations about death and everything else--right down to petty neighbor stuff. She said she was glad I still spoke to her like she was still herself, which of course she was.
So what do you say? What would you say to this friend if you had years stretching ahead in the friendship? Just don't forget thank you.
Margie
In some way or form, conversationally give them the eulogy that you would at the funeral.You don't have to stand at a podium, but let them know.
Just hang out and tell good stories. Make the last visit more of a remembrance of life than focused on the disease.
Celebrate the life, we all know the end.
Wow, not a great week indeed.
Good on you for visiting, many people get so uncomfortable with the situation that they avoid it. I agree with listening. People waiting for the bus often don't need to hear as much as be heard.
When it's time to go? "Love you" works great.
You listen. You can't plan for it, you listen, read the audience and react. You'll be reminded of a time together that will spark nostalgia and then you reminisce and escape back to that time. You can thank them for those times.
"I'll see you later".
So the dreaded visit was yesterday.
It was awesome. We went with another couple, which helped immensely, we were able to avoid any uncomfortable silences.
Plus, our friend is a fighter. She's not going without a fight.
Thanks for all the great advice gang, it is appreciated.
My take away from this, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, don't hesitate to visit your friend, you'll never wish you hadn't.
Glad to hear it!
Your week really blew, but at least you had the company of good friends :)
Our friend passed in her sleep last night.
I'm so grateful that we got to visit and laugh about the fun times we'd had over the last 30+ years.
Again, anyone in a similar situation, don't put off a visit, you never know how much time you have left.
Rest in peace, Connie.
Sad to hear it, but happy you had that last visit with Connie.
Margie
Thank you Margie.
She was one of a kind!
Glad Connie had friends that knew how to be friends at the end.
Glad you had the visit and it went so well. That will provide you comfort in the future.
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